"I knew my drinking was out of control when I was actually vomiting more often from vodka & Red Bull than from bulimia!"

Public responds with a resounding, "Who?"

A team of researchers has concluded that the baseball Mark McGwire hit for his 70th home run in 1998 was juiced. The team was unable to analyze McGwire's other balls as they've not been seen in years.

To be christened USS Cry For Help.

Newstand porn sales skyrocket.

She will retain title and full irrelevancy.