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Dave Houston
"If it's not Scottish, it's sober."
Austin, TX
      
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I'm a silky smooth, neurotic mess. But I clean up nice.
I'm a standup comedian, yet I'm not really a standup comedian. I'm more of a comedy writer with a microphone. Yes, that's right, the worst kind of hack imaginable. So, If I end up dead in a ditch, start questioning all "road warrior" comics immediately.
For more clips and other me-related stuff, go to http://myspace.com/dhcomedy.
Chris Crash says:
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Thanks for the comment.
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Dave Houston says:
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Thanks. They tolerate me, they really, really tolerate me!
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Punchline Magazine says:
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congrats on being a guest star!
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Five metric tons of cocaine worth over $350 million was found in a small submarine in the Pacific Ocean.
In other news, actress Lindsay Lohan has announced that she plans to join the US Navy.
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 A Tennessee town has implemented a full-size plastic cutout of a police officer to remind drivers that the police are watching.
Unfortunately, the cutout was recently recalled to China, leading to a 300% increase in speeding, jaywalking, and sheep sodomy.
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The White House announced Thursday that President Bush's daughter Jenna is engaged to be married to her long-time boyfriend.
Bush then announced that he will personally stand guard over the open bar at the wedding reception.
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Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy pleaded guilty to felony charges Wednesday for taking cash payoffs and betting on games he officiated.
In other news, Pete Rose was spotted laughing his head off while snorting blow off a supermodel's abdomen.
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Looks like there's a new fad for bored kids: "Fire in the Hole", which is to pull up to fast-food drive-through windows and throw a soda through the window onto the cashier.
This is stupid for so many reasons, the main one being that you can't hope to truly embarrass someone who's already given up enough of their dignity to willingly put on a paper hat.
These people have put on bright multi-colored polyester clothes and a name tag, of their own free will; having an ice-cold soda thrown on them is probably the highlight of their day. "Dude, thanks. No, seriously. It is hot like a motherf***er in this kitchen."
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Saw an ad for some new prescription drug, and in the part where they give you the possible side effects --- only because they have to --- it actually says "if you feel a sudden urge to gamble, call your doctor."
Which is a great idea, especially if your doctor is also your bookie.
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Boston Celtics GM Danny Ainge has asked 42-year-old Reggie Miller to come out of retirement to play for the team. Ainge was also reported to have called Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Meadowlark Lemon, Bob Cousy's corpse, and that cute dolphin who plays water basketball.
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A new study says that women prefer men with more feminine features as their long-term partners, as these men are seen as more committed and less likely to stray.
Unfortunately, ladies, these men are also more likely to borrow your makeup and less likely to change your car tires.
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A new TV commercial for a popular domestic beer shows off its new nifty label, sporting a part of its logo that turns blue when the bottle reaches the desired cold temperature.
This is a wonderful technological advancement! Now you can look at your beer and see if it's cold enough.
Or, you could, I don't know, actually reach in and feel it with your hand, frat boy.
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 1. Come on now, sunny; that thing of Britney's is called a "vagina" and you know it. Don't be gross.
2. I don't know, Apri, but I do know that no one has ever needed a hobby more than you.
3. No problem, Kit. Just enjoy a foot-long chili dog with peppers and onions instead. Trust me, in a few minutes you won't be smelling burned popcorn.
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