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Come visit Alaska in the dead of winter.

It's then that we're a winter wonderland.

Don't go out and catch a salmon with a fishing pole - do it the plain old Alaskan way, just like good old Mr. Kodiak Bear - catch that dog gonned fish with your teeth! Yep, get down on all fours in that cold, cold river water and snatch one the only real way!

And there's a gosh happy wildlife boots American Dream up here, too. Uncle Ike "Icicle's Log Cabin" still serves the best tuna and finch sandwich this side of Siberia.

Be it known to all - Alaska is still a remote, wonderful land of the Grizzly, the wolf, Mr. and Ms. Polar Bear (they're growing fins now due to global warming so soon they'll be sharks), the snow fox and some moose.

They're not extinct yet, already? the moose, I means....

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Today, a national chain of funeral parlors sent its portfolio to Fox News' advertising execs. This mega-monster corporate corpse believes in the Henry Ford-production-line - they have adopted a system of a solemn and serious and yet very fast, expeditious and effective wake ceremony preceding the burial of folks.

"This company advertises by blimps, planes, bulldozers, fork lifts, helicopters, trains, automobiles and even by way of submarie with funny little jokes and such written all over them. And they employ thousands of  "drivers." See, they actually pay people to drive around in the cars that have these signs slapped all over them.

The company's motto is "Putting the 'Fun' back in 'Funerals.'" It's name: Welcome to the World of the Quickest Funeral Around!!!"

"Business has been kind of dead lately, but we plan to sell another advertisement or two during the next few years," a Fox News Sales Exec related to the Daily Comedy team of investigative comedians.

"Today, we had a call from some inventor who just invented a glow-in-the dark preying mantis-looking transformer that actually uses a heat-seeking device attached," the sales exec added. "That thing can find small insects. It makes some darned little mouth movement that similates the eating of these bugs. It's a cute little toy and though it accidentally bit off a child's arm, we're tinkering around with the software codes inside its skull to make it a bit more user friendly."

"We're also expecting a call any day now from some inventor out of Cheyenne, Wash., who has just invented a horse that drinks gasoline," this source added. "No water, no-no-no; just gasoline - how inventive, huh?"

"And then there's the glow-in-the-dark Bill O'Reilly Dog that howls like a werewolf, tries to tear your fingers off and then - you'll never guess what happens next - that cute little canine with Bill's handsome face actually catches itself on fire and plays the Star Spangled Banner during this portion of its act. . .And then there's -...."

Sign outside the Moose Lodge in Anchorage, Alaska -

"Welcome home, Gov. Palin. Love ya! We know that any woman crazy enough to shoot a full-grown moose is capable of blowing up the entire Alaskan Continent. We thought we'd be nice and welcome you home, you crazy Carabou Killer!!!"

Scott Rubin, head cook and bartender for the NLHN, decided this morning to send a dead fish - perhaps it's been denegrated already to a dead finch - to Rupert Murdoch as a belated gift for some upcoming Jewish holiday.

"It's going to be a fish that is usually eaten during the Holiday by Yiddish folks," Rubin said with perfect diction.

It's been reported that "Barnie the Dog," who has been on the Bush Administration's Most Wanted List for several years now as being a threat to national security, is actually Greta VanSasquatch dressed up for Halloween.

"Actually, it's just me without my makeup," the entertainment celebrity - a hound dog ugly spokesperson for the extreme right wing of the "Right Wing," announced this morning on the Fox Canine Channel.

Fox News anchor Gerald Gefstofferson today reported that Rupert Murdock was fired today as the second lead drummer for the Lynyrd Skynyrd band.

A Fox News investigative reporting team, which usually focuses on biting animals like small dogs, reported that the big guy himself, Ronnie, returned from the grave to personally fire Murdoch.

"It's pretty amazing that Ronnie returned from the dead to make such a management move," said a very proud younger brother of the great rock 'n roll legend, "Last year, we held a birthday party for my dear brother - like we do every year to celebrate Ron's birthday - he never, ever returns to visit, not even us, his family! We had about 35,000 people at the party - most of them looked to be outlaw bikers 'n such. We even tried to coax Ronnie back by having a really foxy looking biker chick smoke a cigarette with him. It's amazing Big Brother was a no show for even this - and we all know how Ron always has had a real soft spot in his heart for really good looking babes."

Today, a well-known and well-spun, slimy-sea-snail-like & ostentatiously glitzy business journal reported that blonde bombshell and celluloid vixen Pamela Anderson was named as Chairman of the Board, CEO, CFO and Secretary-Treasurer of The Global Goodtimes International Savings & Loan, based in Hell or High Water, W. Va.

 - Pam's going to do about the same thing she's done for years and actually, she won't be doing anything very differently than the guy she's replacing did - look pretty, say nice things, drink a lot of alcohol with a fancy designer coffee cup thrown in for good measure, sit on the beach, sweet talk pretty people, count money and try to live an unreal life in a very crazy non-stop reality show called Corporate Communism's Manifest Destiny is to Rally, Unite and Empower the Big Wigs and later, Divide, Conquer  and then, Consequently, Attack and Destroy all the Little People. 

- Oh, and just one other thing we've gotta add here - Pam's gotta at least try to deflect and dodge the jabs and kicks of bad-ass raptor machine gun rock-n-rollers - ah, er, the Tommy Lees of this world, in other words; and so, in the words of the Daily Comedy investigative bad journalism team -

- Good luck, Pam, we know you can do it better than your predecessor! And you're a helluva lot more good looking and qualified than that bozo is, too!!!

We're closed but we plan to open any day now. Keep in mind, we fired the old guard and hired a whole new board of corporate spin doctors who are now spinning a spider's web of economic stimulus packages. These include ciphering off an estimated $780 million originally earmarked for Hurricane Katrina victims in southern Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama that was inadvertently placed in a slush fund for slimy sea snail research in the Aleutian Islands. Other funding will come from a derivative package put together by a legion of compulsive gamblers who all hold MBAs and were recently released from a federal prison for insider trading deals.

Please note above everything, we fired our old CEO, CFO and Chairman of the Board, who, by the way, was the highest paid Corporate welfare cheat in not only North America, but in the entire Milky Way Galaxy. Yep, we fired the old coot (actually, he was only 29) but all he did was play golf, drink $1,000 fifths of overpriced wine by the crateful and try to accost and dismantle each and every female mammal that crossed his path.

Don’t worry, we have it all covered. We’re blaming George W. Bush and the first and only Ed MacMahon of all U.S. VP's, Dick "Chainsaw" Cheney for all of this, friends. It’s all their fault!!! They’re responsible for the recent hurricanes, recent tectonic plate explosions and the mysterious win, place and show tickets that have placed a slew of losing trotters and pacers in the winner’s circle in recent weeks at Yonkers, Northfield Park, Meadowlands and other equine fantasy fields. That pair of Machiavellian Voodoo doctors! Hyaaaa!

We at the Global Goodtimes Bank say "Good Riddance to Bad Garbage!" Come on in & sit (or set) a spell. We've got the coffee on, er- ah- actually we have hot water, bring `yer own java beans. Actually, we’re in need of a little coffee maker, do any of you have an extra one?

- Global Goodtimes Bank Inc., a community-oriented global Savings and Loan Society

Savings Account annual interest: 0

Checking Account annual interest: 0

Gross Holdings: -0

Come on in and ask about our daily double derivatives: Today, it's based on the #8 horse in the 9th race at Mountaineer Racetrack & Resort, compounded by the outer rings of Uranus orbits plus whether or not some little island without a name (or even a nickname) sinks into the Pacific Ocean sometime in October, 2008 - but the cause must be limited only to tectonic plate explosions.

If all goes right and you're a winner, you'll make 87 zegaMcMillion dollars Canadian to every $1 (Can.) invested in this investment package.

Q. - Are there any marked differences between Fox News and a Discovery Channel documentary about the hunting, killing and devouring practices of a super pride of African lions?

A. - No. Absolutely none. They might be one and the same, in fact!