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Dan Wilbur
"Genius!"
New York, NY
      
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Check out DanWilbur.com!
Recently deemed the smartest man alive by himself and this other guy, Dan Wilbur is proud to be a founding member of Bard College's Stand-Up Comedy Club. He has performed and produced several shows at Bard College, including two large shows that featured members of Olde English comedy troupe. Dan also produced a Roast of the (sort of) famous rapper Soul Khan, and performed an hour-long set at the Chautauqua College Club in Chautauqua, New York.
Dan has also written for [more]
juju beans says:
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I'm with you on that xxxhottgirl crap. She is the most unfunny whore Ive ever seen
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Punchline Magazine says:
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congrats on being a guest star!
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 Really? REALLY, Germany?!
I feel like this should have been higher on this woman's list of priorities. Like, brush teeth, floss, remove the writing implement that’s been lodged in my frontal lobes for 50 years.
The funniest thing about this, though, is that it ACTUALLY happened to a REAL person recently, and was not rather, an incident involving Homer Simpson, the satirical all-American hero of “The Simpsons,” who gets involved in stupid activities Americans might hypothetically do if we had the IQ of a broccoli stem.
Five bucks says she proves God doesn’t exist within the week. Then again, German Flanders might burn all the evidence. Bet’s off!
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 Q: Did troops in Vietnam die in vain?
Gravel: “OUR SOLDIERS IN VIETNAM DIED IN VAIN! Now you can go to Hanoi, and get yourself an ice-cream cone from Baskin Robbins! And you can pick from over 31 of their delicious flavors! You can walk in there, and get a whole fudge crunch ice-cream cake--just for yourself! You can eat the whole thing and slide your finger over the left over cookie crumbles to savor the last bits of crunchiness…That’s what you can do! But I don’t think that’s enough!! I think our soldiers fought and died for more. Why isn’t there a Boston Market there yet? Or a Chipotle, at least?! There is only one thing worse than a soldier dying in vain, and it’s going to sleep at night without a rich, slow churned glob of melting frozen yogurt in your tummy. Because every soldier deserves a Gold Medal Ribbon (cone).”
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 If you have self-respect or values, you weren’t where I was Friday night: Union Square purchasing a copy of the last Harry Potter. While I was there, I met a number of folks: a Pirate/Wizard, the Jews for Jesus, and Harry Potter’s one black friend. I talked to a number of children, asking the obligatory “Who’s going to get viciously murdered in this one, kids?” and “Why aren’t we using our magic abilities in the war in Iraq?” Judging from the pictures I have (with a few fans rolling their own), you don’t have to be a nerd to love wizardry, but you do have to look like someone with the IQ of an inbred caveman fetus. To hear my splendid street interviews go to the podcasts on DailyComedy and look for Harry Potter Interviews. To see pictures of the event go to my profile page.
I don’t think I’ll be invited to the next Jews for Jesus Conference.
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Dan Wilbur and Noah Weston (deeper voiced funny man) go out to Union Square to talk to those getting ready to purchase the last Harry Potter book. Guests include Pirate/Wizard (very cool guy), the Jews for Jesus, and Harry Potter's one black friend. Trivia! Socializing! Spicy Wizard Sex!
Whole Clip: 9 min.
Pictures can be found on my profile page!
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 Dear Nintendo Wii,
How bout I go outside when I feel like it! No. NO! Don’t show me a picture of a window, I remember what the outdoors looks like, ok? I just downloaded a whole season of BBC’s Planet Earth. Are there buffalo and Arctic Shrimp in Brooklyn, Wii? Huh?! No, so why don’t you stop bitching. No, I don’t need to do something else for a while. Fake tennis is exercise too, you know! I bet I’m so good at real tennis by now that I’d be too good to have a partner in real life. No! Stop showing that window! I get my vitamin D from milk now! I don’t need the sunshine! Never! Would someone with rickets be able to knock down six hundred pins at once, Wii? No. I didn’t think so. Now watch me bowl, bitch!
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 I hate DNA tests. Not because of my pending sentence, but because it screws with great mysteries. Sure, DNA helps the REAL police track down REAL murderers and rapists, but what about the fake police? Haven’t their jobs gotten too easy, making them content, fat, and depressed from boredom? We live in sad times. I propose we get rid of all criminal investigations that involve technology from the last 50 years, and we go back to the days when catching bad guys was done by skinny people who were really attractive, and used only these methods, now thought of as “primitive”:
#1 Cock Ballistics: That’s right. Before sperm could be tested in a godless laboratory, physicists were called in to measure velocities and angles of shootings. Bill Clinton could still be denying that he slept with Monica: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, miss Lewinski…my penis just doesn’t have the kind of stopping power to create a splatter pattern of that magnitude.”
Also, Kobe Bryant: innocent. A woman can’t crash her car a dozen times the day before, then expect the police to believe that a fender-bender caused it to be totaled.
(If this joke is going way over your head, fine. It’s better than hitting you in the face/eye)
COCK BALLISTICS!!!
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 Every time I see the "Duke Diet" book I think of John Wayne...who died with sixty pounds of food blocking his colon. That's not healthy.
Plus "Duke Diet" sounds like the punchline of a poop joke anyway, so...yeah. Gross.
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 If you haven't already heard, Dontdatehimgirl.com is killing love, one man at a time. Here is another profile of an alleged cheater:
First Name: Rip
Last Name: Van Winkle
Nicknames: "Rippy McDickface"
Profile:
This man can't even commit to what year it is. Talk about untrusting! He went on one date with me, then said he wanted to take a hike through the mountains, and didn't call me back for like 20 years! He is a deadbeat father (didn't even know his daughter got married, then just mooches off her when he finally returns to his hometown), and in bed, talk about a rusty rifle, girls! Wherever he went for that long time, they obviously don't shave there. Gross. He needs to get with the times! He would still rather bowl and drink beer with the guys than find a good woman to be with.
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 There is an incredible new source for women who fear reality: It's called DontDateHimGirl.com. The website features profiles of men who have cheated, lied, or just not bought enough shit for a previous girlfriend. Once an "alleged cheater" moves out his community in ignominy, since they aren't forced to wear a red "A" on their chests, this site helps weed out bad guys for women who depend on the internet for dating advice.
Profiles usually say how the men cheated, how many children they secretly have, their spouse's name, etc. Some are hilarious. Check those out before reading on.
I tried to sign in, but the names: IEATMEN and IHateEverything were taken, so I chose the name LoudAngryFace. Here is a recent post.
First Name: Odysseus
Last Name: Son of Laertes
Nicknames: Master Mariner and Soldier, God-like, the Great Tactician
Profile:
This man is the master of tricks and stratagems. He slept with my friend P, got her preggers, hopped on a boat and didn’t even call his baby’s momma for like 20 years! He is a liar: sure, he’ll tell my girl where he’s been, but he’ll omit the part when he slept with some ho of a goddess on her private island! “No pleasure came,” my ass! My girl P was always faithful, and even though she had like 120 chances to cheat on her man, she didn’t. But HE is jealous beyond belief! He saw a bunch of men eating food at his house, and got so mad he killed every one of my girl’s new prospects. With a bow and arrow and shit!
Stay tuned for more! To see the real profile go here: http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/search/cheater.asp?ddh_id=58920&return_url=index%2Easp%3F
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 The newest and nerdiest form of entertainment for me is (in most men's eyes) neither nerdy nor new, so I'm a liar. A dirty, pale, fat (but not too fat, but like enough that people are sort of worried that I've been drinking too much beer, and they have told me about a nice gym with this trainer who's really helpful and not too domineering but sometimes racist) liar. But I'm trying to be honest. And the honest truth is, when I first bought the original Tomb Raider I didn't care about the sweet puzzles, graphics, or dinosaurs you get to gun down, but rather, all that attracted my attention was the possibility that I could see Lara Croft's breasts using one of a billion codes I could readily find on the internet. But which was was right? I needed to know, and with perseverance I finally found the correct code for seeing Lara Croft naked. This code still works in Tomb Raider: Legend. Here is how I did it:
I checked numerous forums for days hearing the same promises. Here is a print-out of one that led me to the real code. I saved it for commemorative purposes:
Subject: See Laura Crofts Tits (for serious this one works)
Angelcross 227: You can’t have a video game rated Teen 13+ that has a pair of ta-tas in it. That’s so not logical!
Supreme12: I’ve been looking all over for this. Does anyone have it?
DoggstyleBoyZZ: Have no fear gentlemen in cybespace! I totally know how to do it! Right when the T-Rex comes out, you hit D,D,U, R, O, T, X and she totally rips off her shirt for like a second before the dinosaur eats her. BUT IT’S totally worth it! Titties!
Angel 227: Does anyone have Crash Bandicoot cheats here?
Supreme 12: Who the fck rote that? That’s soooooooooooooo gay. OMG, Gay. I hate Crash Bandicoot
Frazzled RCKS1: Bandicoot is definitely the gayest game.
Supreme12: Seriously, I need to see the tits right now!
FrazzledRCKS1: My friend sent me a link to another forum that has the cheat (for Tits not “coot”).
Supreme12: Thanks Dude.
Frazzled RCKS1: Search geocities.com/Lara Croft Tomb boobies/forum
Angel 227: u r the gay one. Crash is sweet and Lara Croft has square boobs!
Frazzled RCKS1: STOPPP. OMG, u suck the most. LOL.
So I spent a few minutes searching the page, until I knew I had found it. Now, the internet works the same way a street festival does where certain interests are linked with other interests. PETA and the war in Iraq. But since the internet isn’t used for stupid things like social activism, but instead it’s filled with distractions for an impressionable boy like me: like, If you want Lara Croft’s tits, you should totally get a picture of J-Lo’s Titties! But I didn’t fall for it! And as a result I found the real cheat. And I saved the file and kept it until now. Here it is:
Posted 3:14 am by CrazzEBNS13:
As most of you may have heard, there is in fact a way to see Lara Croft’s Breasts in the game Tomb Raider. There is no cheat for her to take off her shirt at the swimming pool, as some have rumored, but an actual glitch that the programmers forgot to fix when creating the game. If you do this correctly, Lara will be topless the entire time you play. First, turn the Playstation on with a controller in either slot. Then just as the PS logo pops up on the screen, hit open so you see the disk is still spinning. Then shove your dick in the playstation and slam the top down and have a big jizz fest with yourself! Then have your mom come in and jizz all over the tv and jizz on your face. And da der daaaaaaaa......Jizz, Jizz!
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