Elton John says that Jesus was gay. This explains alot. Not even death is going to keep a gay man in on the weekend.

Presidential debates, to me, are like muppets jerking off. There are alot of funny sounds and the fur flies, but in the end nothing is going to come out.

I first saw "The Empire Strikes Back" as a child and thought, "Yoda is eight hundred years old...what a Jedi!"  Now that I am an adult, I can't help thinking, "Eight hundred years...his 401K must be incredible."

Freegans are folks who live only on stuff other people have thrown out. They have homes and jobs, but they Dumpster-dive for clothes, household items, and even food. I'm as concerned about the environment as anyone, but if I want to put trash in my mouth I’ll go back to dating.

A job interview is like a first date. You dress up, you pretend to be someone you’re not, and you spend the whole time wondering if you're going to get screwed.

The older I get, the more I realize that voting for a Democrat is kind of like fucking someone you feel sorry for. You feel noble at first, but you always regret it later, and that person never stops calling you.

So Pat Robertson says that God sent the earthquake to Haiti because, 200 years ago, the Haitians made a deal with the devil to revolt against France. I don't know much about God, but it's amusing that Pat Robertson thinks anyone needs the devil's help to defeat the French.