Wolf Blitzer finally cleared the air after revealing his retort to the 'Balloon Boy's' TV comment, "Who the hell is Wolf?" The always-unflappable Blitzer told his off-camera team right after, "That's what you'll hear from a little shmuck!" 

"I'm truly sorry," stated the suspended ESPN analyst. "I just couldn't help myself...I mean Brooke was always in the 'on dick circle,' she was hot, and I played bat boy!"

The 22-year old Brooke Hundley proved her affair to Phillips' wife by describing a tattoo on hubby's left ass cheek showing a New York Mets logo mooning George Steinbrenner!

Clearly, it's a shlock airline that runs a fly-by-night operation! 

After a year of research on Viagrat, Cialon, and Leviton, New York University scientists have concluded that Cialon gives the "best bang for the buck." 

Bertinelli, co-star of 'One Day at a Time,' regrets she "wasn't there" for Mackenzie Phillips when Mack and Papa join were coupled. Said Valerie, "I wanted into a ménage à trois, but always got there too late." Sorry...anticlimactic, Valerie, huh!?

The nearly 50-year old 'actress' now claims her tell-all book about her sexual playtimes with daddy are all a hoax to try to get money for her Unpox-A-Face Foundation, à la  Michael J. Fox's shaking it up with Parkinson's donations. Oprah will even soon start up her own charity, teaming up with that famous cellist. Hers will be known as, 'The Be No Yo-Yo Fat Fund!' Note: Mackenzie still claims that Mick Jagger gives really good head!

Medicare patients opting "out" can now add watching 3 consecutive reruns of Ellen Degeneres' 'American Idol' appearances.  Obama claims, "This will add 'flex choice' to shooting, knifing, or poisoning to those seniors who no longer give a crap about living. I, myself, puked after one show, so it appears to be a winner!"

The three rebelled after the recent murder, complaining about their conditions. Said Levin, "They ran after my wife, so I had to cut off their tails with a carving knife." An investigation by PETA is underway.

The public has finally gottten bored. For three weeks, all OBIT media will only report on:

carpenters killed by their staple guns

lightning rod installers zapped during thunderstorms

and cheating men having heart attacks while in bed with their lovers.