Researchers in Spain discovered that men who drank 3 or more shots of liquor per day had 50% less heart disease as well as 28% more sex with a transvestite named "Penelope Cruzin'."

On Thursday, San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum was awarded the NL Cy Young by the Baseball Writers Association and High Times Magazine.

 Swedish scientists announced that men married to smart women live longer, so I updated my eHarmony profile to read, "Marry me - or die!"

In Minneapolis, a linguist revealed that he only spoke Klingon to his son for the first 3 years of his life, prompting conservatives to hail this as more effective at stopping teen pregnancy than abstinence-only sex education.

will be Twittered, and wars will be Tweet-Ups.

A high school principal in Southern California canceled a school production of Rent to prevent portrayals of homosexual characters. Hopefully she'll accept my puppet show alternative, Avenue Q. Nothing says wholesome, non-gay fun more than an acting troupe singing with their hands shoved up the back of a same-sex muppet.

In January, Ben & Jerry's revealed the new Obama-inspired ice cream, Yes Pecan! The new Bush ice cream should be "Iraqi Road." If a better flavor comes along, they won't change the name - because that is ice cream leadership.

Duke researchers reported today they are close to developing the technology for a cloak of invisibility. Apparently Duke researchers have never been the fat lady in an LA singles bar.

On Tuesday, a Southwest pilot was stopped before flying a plane on suspicion of having a blood alcohol content over 0.04. In related news, it's perfectly legal to fly a commercial flight with a blood alcohol content of exactly 0.04.

After leaving office, Dick Cheney is planning a fishing vacation to the Snake River. Instead of using bait, Cheney catches fish by shooting them in the face.