Now, it's sign language only for the Pres. Calling the Cambridge Police bad has pushed the envelope. Plans are in the works for a Jerry Obama show featuring nationwide police officers cuffing our Commander in Dumb. 

The Pope said he'd massage Hillary's elbow if she'd slip her middle finger through his cast and tickle his palm. She said she'd only do it on Palm Sunday.

Q:   How do you destroy the Pirates of the Caribbean when they go underwater in a submarine?

A:   You use a Depp charge!

As punishment for stating the economy was worse than Obama had imagined, the Pres has given him half of Hillary's Secretary of State duties, meaning going noplace! 

Claiming, "Hey, I'm up on my feet again!" South Carolina's Governor said he was simply checking out the lay of the land in Argentina for when he retires. In fact, he claimed, "I even practiced by retiring every night at about 9 PM!"

The next unexpected Christmas wonder is expected to be the "Talker Hawker" Billy Mays Doll.

Get ready to hear:

I'm a freakin' great present!

The other stuff was shit again?!!!

Screw 'em!

Here's how to order the good stuff!

How to use your parents' credit cards!

I don't take any crap, nor should you!

Buy anything German!

An infomercial advertising a $49.95 D-I-Y funeral was squeezed out of Billy at the coroner's office. The ShamWow Germans vill do za menufecturink!

The singer's death left coverage lacking for other noteworthy news events:

1.  Six GOP governors admit to orgy ring based in Madrid, Spain.

2.  Jay Leno admitted to "Hospital for the Morose" in Carlsbad, New Mexico.

3.  Angelina Jolie adopts a village of 189 children. Father Jon Voight now regrets having had sex. Hillary ecstatic. Elbow healing well.

4.  Obama appoints last Russian Czar. Will oversee caviar usage at White House.

5.  McDonald's to introduce RONALD, a new car that runs on fat.

The Republicans are now stuck with "Zippergate" regarding Nevada's GOP Senator John Ensign's and South Carolina's GOP Governor Mark Sanford's affairs, both announced about a week apart. Obama took it in stride and sucked on a Marlboro. There was a lot of quiet from Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Coulter, Levin, and Hannity.

"One more time and you, Joe, go down to and are forgotten in the Cheney Bunker! No more swine flu jokes! Ya got it!?"