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ric landers
"I'm ready for any schoolboy looking for a fight"
nashville, TN
     
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I'm much younger than I look.
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Bin Laden is coming out with another video. They say in this one he's
complaining about all the spam he keeps getting and asks when are the
authorities going to find the people who keep sending it.
Police say a cleaning solvent sparked a scare at the U. N. today.
Apparently, bottles of Comet were mislabeled and put in the dining
hall. No one noticed this even though people were walking out of the
cafeteria with green foam on their mouths. Said one witness, "People
always walk out with green foam on their mouths."
Fred Thompson finally announced his candidacy for President yesterday.
In his speech he said, "I can stop Hillary Clinton." The problem, of
course, is that he can't stop Obama.
Time magazine came out with a study comparing the intelligence of
chimps to 2 year old babies. The babies won hands down. But in a
follow-up study comparing chimps to mothers, the chimps won hands
down.
CNNMoney is reporting that Apple is giving early IPhone buyers $100
store credit to offset the $200 recent price drop of the IPhone. Asked
why they're not giving early buyers $200 store credit, Apple replied,
we'll be doing that next week after the $300 price drop.
Ticker: Bush: "We're kicking ass in Iraq."
Translation: "We've re-opened Abu Gharib prison."
You hear this one: A phony motorcade got next to Bush's motorcade
today. Apparently, the pranksters were shooting a video. Word is,
Bush thought it was an assassination attempt and reminded the CIA
agents that if he's shot they should immediately kill Dick Cheney.
And this just in: another grisly find after police talk to a serial
killer. This one was Leona Helmsley's dog. Apparently, it choked and
died from tainted dog food from china. When the police asked the
caretaker why she was feeding him dog food from China, she reportedly
said, "We feed him the same we fed Ms Helmsley ."
Also, local scientists have finally unearth a clue to the vanishing
bees you've been reading about. They weren't missing at all. They
were out chasing another group of scientists.
And how about that mower man riding his mower across the U.S.? Bet
that will be the last time his wife tells him to mow the lawn, huh?
And this just in: another pit bull attack, this time a woman carrying
a baby. According to police, the mother said she wanted to be on the
cover of the newspaper and thought biting the dog was the best way to
do it.
This just in: Encephalitis kills third swimmer. Encephalitis says he
only feels the urge to kill whenthe other kids at his camp
mispronounce his name.
Also, an admitted pedophile moves to Oregon. When asked why, he
replied, "I figured since this is where Microsoft started, they'd be
more hotspots here.
ricland
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It looked extremely awesome for Senator Craig that day;
Mitt Romney was way ahead in the polls with just the primaries left to play,
And then when McCain choked on a burrito, and Fred didn’t do his duty,
the only candidate in their way was that SOB from New York City named Rudy.
But Rudy couldn’t win the Bible Belt because of his three wives and two divorces;
And the fact that he was a papist also didn’t make him the horse for the courses.
And nobody wanted a president with a bald head from New York City,
And nobody damn sure wanted one with friends related to Frank Nitti.
So it was Mitt Romney all the way, right to White House in 2008,
that’s when Mitt called the Senator into his office with a little proposal to relate.
He sat him down, handed him a cigar and a tall glass of whiskey poured straight,
And said “Craig, this may come as a surprise, but I want you as my running mate.
The Senator jumped at once and grabbed Mitt by the shoulders,
And said, Romney, you whacky Mormon son of a bitch, I swear on my mother,
I’ll be your vice preisdent and follow you to the gates of hell, cause I love you like a brother.
The governor took Craig’s hands off his shoulders and said, “Thanks, senator, but just remember.
You’ve got to keep things squeaky clean at least until November.
.
The Senator stepped back and gave a big smile.
He took Mitt by the shoulders again and said, “Brother Romney, just listen a while.
There’s not a man in this fair land who loves this country as much as me.
So to think I’d do anything to foul-up your chances is pure blasphemy.
Besides, you know my record, my stance on all matters stately.
I’m a faimly values man just like you who doesn’t suffer fools greatly.
They teach us right from wrong in Boise, to be truthful and always frank.
We sons and daughters of Idaho are straight as an arrow, by God, and you can take that to the bank.
I’ll behave the way I always have which is exactly by the book.
No, you don’t have to worry about Sen. Larry Craig turning up a perve or a crook.
For 30 years just like you I’ve fought against the rascals;
The tree-hugging, liberal, pinko-commie, Satan-worshipping homosexuals.
We’ll beat them in the hallways, we’ll beat them in the streets,
We’ll send them back to New York City
with the hippies and the freaks.
We’ll take away their abortions, we’ll take away their pot.
We’ll send Pelosi to sea in a pea green boat where she can burn and rot.
We’ll take Hillary and beat her round the head.
We’ll take that big mouth Negro Obama and make him wish he was born dead.
And there’s a whole bunch of others. Governor, I don’t have time to disparage,
Except to say I’ll use my own bare hands to strangle the son-of-a-bitch who dare mentions same sex marriage.
O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesty --
You bet your fine white ass, Governor, I’m your man for the freakin’ vice-presidency.
And with that the two man shook hands and the Senetor headed north,
for a plane waiting for him down at the airport.
Needless to say he was happy as can be,
to think, a boy from Boise would enter the vice-presidency.
But the governor had sworn him to secrecy about their direction.
It was best they kept it secret until the general election.
and when his plane landed in Minneapolis the Senator was still musing
about all the things that lay in the future, everything, but cruising.
And such were his happy thoughts as he walked down the airport promonade,
Till his eyes caught a passing fellow and he gasped, “Geezuz -- trade!”
He was talll, with wide shoulders, narrow at the waist with a face lean and cloy
My, God, aint’ he something! The perfect boy toy!
The senator tried to control himself, it had been a long time.
He tried to remember Romney’s warning about toeing the line.
But the man was too much, a regular sugar-coated dandy.
Oh, why, Lord, why, do you tempt me with such a sweet candy?
And it was at this instant the man walked into the mens room but not before giving a wink.
And it was at this instant Senator Craig ran in after him almost knocking down a sink.
Of course it’s times like this the Bible had taught the good Senator to be strong and not show weakness,
Too late for that shit now because old Craig was going like a Triple Crown Winner at the Preakness.
Once inside he saw the man had gone into a stall
So he squeesed himself into the one next to it his five luggage bags and all.
He slammed closed the door and blocked it with his biggest bag tight and clean.
That was a trick the Senator had picked-up from an old Greenich Village drag queen.
Now there was nothing left to do but let the fun commence,
that’s when the Senator took a wide stance and let his foot do a little dance.
He shoved it next to the man’s shoe, over it then circled it like an umbrella.
He stuck his right hand under the stall, waved it, and whispered, “Hi, ya doing, Big Fella?”
He bent down to the little hole, peered through it to see what was up with his little piece of spice;
That’s when the man flashed a badge that said Minneapolis Police Vice.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men laugh, and little children pout;
But there is no joy in Idaho — Senator Craig has been found out.
Ric Ricland
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I Ain’t Gay (to the tune of Werewolf of London)
by Eric Landers
I saw Mitt Romney walking down the hall today,
When he saw me he shook his head and looked away;
You see, my old friend Mitt ain’t talking to me no more,
He thinks I’m homosexual public bathroom whore;
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay;
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible,
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
It all started that dark day in the airport,
A man walked by and winked his eye;
He was tall, dark and handsome, and wore a lavender mauve tie,
How was I to know he was the FBI?
Ah-Whoo, please believe me when I say,
Ah-Whoo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
He went in the mensoom and I followed him in,
That’s when he turned and gave me a pig eating slop grin;
I should have knew right then something wasn’t Kosher,
Shoulda hopped the next plane for Nova Scotia,
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
He had blue eyes and dark hair,
He had wide shoulders and big muscles too,
He had a cute nose and a gorgeous tan;
Gimmee a break, folks, I’m only a man.
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
So I walked into the stall and blocked the door with my bags,
I picked up that trick from an old queen who used to do drag;
I sat down on the seat and peeped through the hole
And what I saw, folks, can’t be told;
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
My heart started beating like a humming bird’s,
I got dizzy and nearly fell off the stool,
Bells in my head started going Ding-Dong,
When he bent over I could see all the way to Hong Kong;
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible,
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
Now you can imagine the condition I was in,
There I was a United States Senator thinking sin;
I stuck my hand under stall to signal no,
That’s when he said, “Ah, stop teasing, you know you’re a big hoe.”
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
I hollered no and stamped my foot for emphasis
But because I have a wide stance my shoe touched his;
That’s when he dropped his badge and ID,
That’s when I hollered “Woe is me!”
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
Now the moral of this story should be crystal clear,
When you go to the mens room, do you business and get the hell out of there;
Take my advice and watch how you time is spent;
Hell, I coulda been Vice-President
Ah-Whoo, believe me when I say,
Ah-Woo, I ain’t gay,
Ah-Who, I got a wife, three kids, and always carry my Bible
Ah-Whoo, .slander my good name and you’re looking at libel;
Eric Landers
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
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GOVERNOR RESIGNS:
HARTFORD, Conn. -- Connecticut Gov. John G. Rowland (R) announced his resignation Monday, as his three-term rule collapsed after revelations that he had accepted gifts worth tens of thousands of dollars from state contractors and top aides.
The gift that started the investigation was a hot tub given to him by a contractor who later received a no-bid government contract.
Said the Governor’s wife, “We never dreamed it would get us in such hot water.”
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Madonna in the news again.
According to an anonymous source, she is already thinking about switching from Judaism to another religion.
This time it is rumored to be “Santeria,” a religion that worships animals. The source said Madonna is converting to the religion because she was promised they'd worship her pussy.
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In an interview today, Donald Rumsfeld continued to deny he gave the order to torture prisoners at Abu Ghraib. When asked who gave it if it not him, Rumsfeld replied, “I would never give such an order unless it came directly from the Fuhrer.”
Later, when told General Sanchez, is now refusing to say if he gave the order to torture himself, Rumsfeld said, “Don't worry, we have ways of making him talk.”
Rumsfeld was then asked why the prison guards at Abu Ghraib were not aware of the Geneva Convention. Replied Rumsfeld, “Because none of them were invited.”
And finally, holding up one of the photos of naked prisoners at Abu Ghraib, Rumsfeld said his staff had determined the photo is a fake. When asked how, said Rumsfeld: “See the tattoo on this man’s ass? It looks like Arabic but spelled backward it actually reads, "What, Me Worry?”
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SPACE SHOT:
How about that latest space shot? The 62-year test pilot said he had an erection the entire time he was up there. Then as the ship re-entered earth’s atmosphere, his Viagra began to wear off.
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They love St. Patrick in Ireland because he drove all the snakes out. Which means now when they get drunk, all they see is pink elephants.
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The Bush Administration thinks it's getting closer to catching Osama bin Laden.
After the St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York, cleanup workers turned-in a cup of green beer with Osama's fingerprints on it.
ricland
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