I want to marry a girl that doesn't speak any English.  I have a dog that loves me unconditionally, and I think it's because we can't communicate.  So much less can go wrong when you can't talk.  If my wife was upset... I'd have no idea why... so I pat her on the head and I give her a treat!... problem solved..... if it's really bad, I flip her on her back and rub her tummy and her nipples...

On the other hand, if she pees on the floor... she's out... I gotta draw the line somewhere. 

People think pot smokers just want to sit on the couch all day and smoke... as if we dont want to go outside or something...

ok look YOU WONT LET US SMOKE OUTSIDE!....  You dont think we want to smoke outside?  I could get sooo much more done if I could smoke outside... it just eats me up to think about it.  People say pot's a depressant... NO... what's depressing is you wont let us smoke outside. 

Via AP News 

19 Year old Rebecca Sue Taylor of Charleston offered to sell her 5 month old baby for 10 grand to another woman after saying she was unable to bond with the infant and needed money for a new apartment.

"Unable to bond with the infant".. oh ok... so she tried... how can you blame her.  "Yeah, the baby just doesnt love me back... but he's in like-new condition... you can have him for 10 thousand, or best offer... free shipping... all sales final... I'll even through in his favorite teddy bear."

Via AP News 

After a 19 year absence, Leonard is back to work with his old ball and chain... Star Trek... I guess everyone's retirement plans arent working out like they expected.  Soon we'll see him in comercials for priceline.

Classmates.com is pulling every trick in the book to get me to pay up.  I feel like they are the poor social networking site on the block pan handling for money.

"You have 12 guestbook signatures on Classmates.com!... oh they're blurred out right now... but I can shine them up for you so you can read them... just give me like 2 bucks man... I just need a couple bucks to get through the day. Hey... maybe one's a lost flame... I can get you laid man... c'mon... just two bucks." 

Um... MySpace and Facebook are free... welcome to 2009.  Now go away and sit in the corner with all the other misfit homeless websites... excite... friendster... and geocities.

Via AP News

I've never heard of this happening outside of a movie. The pilot of a twin engine aircraft died in flight, and a passenger had to land the plane.  The passenger knew how to fly small planes, but not this one.  Air traffic control had to "phone a friend" in Connecticut to talk the guy down.  Good thing that worked, otherwise they would have had to "Poll the audience"

I'm going to my buddy's wedding next month, and I was talking to some folks about wedding gifts.  My friend Donna says she gives between $150 to $200... which I thought was pretty generous.  I give between $100 and $150 for the first marriage, $50-$75 for the second, and a book on how to make your marriage work for the third. 

Once in a while I'll meet a girl that thinks I'm superficial, and I have to explain to her that I'm not superficial at all... the reason I cant date you is because other people are superficial... and so I cant be seen with you. 

I think that glass room at the airport that they make smokers use is hysterical.  It's like a glass aquarium of smoke.  My little nephew and I were stuck at the airport so we just sat and watched....

"Look at all the smokers... see... that one has a funny hat... uh oh.... he's mad... that's ok... you can even bang on the glass... he wont hurt us.... he has to stay in there and finish his cigarette... oh look.... that one blows rings!"

I dont understand this driving while using your cell phone law.  In jersey you have to wear a headset to talk in the car, but that's almost wrecked my car TWICE! Here I am flying down the highway... my phone goes off... and then I panic and my car's all over the road while I try to find where I put this stupid headset. Laws are stupid.