Reasons why it is a GOOD thing to be single on Valentine's Day:

1.  don't have to spend $ on a gift.

2.  don't have to find a vase for those pesky flowers.

3.  don't have to get fat gorging on chocolate candy from your sweetheart.

4.  no chance for venereal diseases, including pregnancy. 

Reasons why it is a BAD thing to be single on Valentine's Day:

1.  Dropping that extra $300 on relationship self help books at Barnes & Noble, again.

2.  Finding a vase for those pesky flowers that you sent yourself to the office.

3.  All the calories gained during your annual Valentine's Day sobfest w/ your loyal friends Ben, Jerry and Bridget Jones.

4.  No chance whatsoever for the fun associated w/ getting a venereal disease, including pregnancy, much to the dismay of your raging hormones and withering uterus.

He has a Facebook account.

World renowned Professor Igor Panarin has long predicted the collapse of America by 2010 due to moral and economic calamity.  Everyone thought he was mad. People the world over are finally starting to believe him... Why? Not for the moral or economic failings he pointed to before. It is because scores of Americans, from your next door neighbor to Bill Gates, have begun to think they are a P.C! They truly believe they are computers and don't mind shouting it for all the world to hear.  It is the latest american epidemic, after sex addiction. Professor Igor said, "Those Americans are the nutty ones, not ME, at least I don't think I am a COMPUTER."

Professor Igor received an email from secretaryofstate@usa.gov blasting his comments as unfounded.  It was signed "Regards, a PC in DC." 

10. Santa had a bad reaction to the Viagra Mrs. Claus slipped him and now can't get his pants back on.

9.  After drinking too much eggnog, Sarah Palin shot down his sleigh, misstaking it for a Russian weapon.  In a Palinesque show of diplomacy, she made reindeer stew as a peace offering to him.  Santa has not been able to stop rocking back and forth since the incident.

8. The USPS lost all letters to Santa; He is pleased that all the American boys and girls must have wanted the poor children of the world to have their toys instead!!!

7.  There are, in fact, no toys to give this year; they were all recalled due to toxicity.

6.   Rudolph, Donner, and Blitzen became too ill to fly after having Santa's milk and cookies.  Dasher died.  Santa is now stranded in Xing-Chu, China.

5.  Belgian police saw his bushy beard , mistook him for an Al-Quaida member, and have detained him in Brussels until further notice.

4.  He caught cholera in Zimbabwe and has no health insurance.  Mrs. Claus says she never knew Mr. Claus was so hot looking under all that fat!

3. The North Pole melted:  He, Mrs. Claus, and all the elves drowned.  Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen have been spotted above Northern Europe.  Rudolph is believed to have perished trying to rescue the Claus family.

2.  He sold his post and all rights to the name of "Santa Claus" to the highest bidder (a lazy son of a b*tch) to save his home from foreclosure.  He now goes by his birth name of Elmer Dinkleheimer.

1.   God laid him off due to the economic crisis.

18 year old Levi Johnston (future son in law to Sarah Palin's daughter) spoke to the media yesterday about his upcoming nuptials:   "We both LOVE each other. We both WANT to marry each other.  And that's what we are going to do."

Other couples overheard saying the EXACT same quote:

Sonny & Cher, Burt & Lonnie, Jen & Brad, Britney & Kevin, Romeo & Juliet, my parents.

Smooth move, Levi! Oh wait, he was TRYING to jinx it...

I don't understand why people go to Ethiopian restaurants for dinner. Can't they just scavenge for bugs to eat outside?

Long Island businessman Christian Tarantino has been arrested and charged with three murders.  His cousin, legendary filmmaker Quentin Tarantino, claims the murders were not even creatively constructed and that Christian has always been "quite the boorish boar" and hopes now he will "leave me alone about starring in Kill Bill 4." Sources outside the FBI claim to have heard Christian screaming "He stole my scripts! He STOLE my scripts! I've been set up, he is probably in my house RIGHT NOW stealing the rest of my scripts!!!! Arghhhhhhhhh, let me out, I've been framed! I've been framed!!!" Quentin was not available for comment.  Reps claim he was too busy consoling Christian's supermodel wife in her Long Island mansion.

Desparate Housewives costar Felicity Huffman declared last week that Eva Longoria "is just fat-- not pregnant."  She also said, " only the U.S.  paper dollar is weak-- not the coin form," and " predicted Hurricane Gustav won't be that bad, people should just stay home."  Modern day Darwinists say those who listen to Felicity Huffman's ideas are not just "overzealous Desparate Housewife fans, but actually modern day examples of the survival of the fittest theory still hard at work. We hope she keeps talking!"