Some people say I’m a conspiracy nut and I don’t think that’s true. I just believe everything I’m not told 

Our government is having a tough time finding Osama Bin Laden; only because the Muslim Religion doesn’t allow tombstones.

Our government told us to never forget September 11^th. So that way we’ll forget how much they were scumbags on the 10^th.

I have a feeling I can't connect with people. Like every time I go to Dunkin' Donuts I order a chocolate frosted donut and they always put it in the bag upside down. And to me, that's a lost connection; because I didn't order a plain donut and a chocolate frosted bag.

I act like I know everything, but what do I know? I've got a Guns 'N' Roses tattoo; which basically means I'm branded a moron for the rest of my life. I didn't even get when Slash was in the band.

Did you hear Sarah Palin named her kid with Down Syndrome “Trig”? Yeah, like that kid's ever gonna be able to do math. That's just cruel.