Apparently, New Yorkers smell something bad.

And it's not New Jersey*. (Though it might be the joke I just made about New Jersey.)

But I didn't come here JUST to make awful jokes that might be true.

Most importantly, here's an article from CNN's website here: http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/01/08/nyc.odor/index.html, which you should check out if only to read this line: "(Watch how officials are baffled by the odor )"
Or now that you've read it here, you might be all set. I just like that there's video of baffling.
Stay tuned tomorrow and there might be an audio befuddlement clip.
Or podcast of bewilderment.

*It's okay for me to make jokes about how New Jersey smells, because I'm from there.
Thus I have firsthand experience of it smelling.

There may be another virgin birth this Christmas.

Flora, a Komodo dragon in a British zoo, is pregnant with 8 babies, but has never mated with a male dragon, and is said to have fertilized all of her own eggs.*

So the Second Coming is here, and it's more awesome than we could have imagined:
Jesus is now 8 dragons.

WWJD? Come back as Godzilla meets Voltron.

*That, or they'll come out looking like half-zookeeper.

95% of Americans have had premarital sex, says a new study that polled men and women about sexual experiences back to the 1940's, which is gross because those people are old.

The statistic is questioned by Janice Crouse of the conservative group Concerned Women for America. She says, "Any time I see numbers that high, I'm a little suspicious."

However, that statement could be rephrased as follows:
"100% of the time I see numbers that high, I'm a little suspicious."

Math vs. a woman. Math wins again.

Las Vegas has announced a new crackdown on homeless people in the city.

Basically, they want you to leave after you lose all your stuff.

A new study finds Massachusetts to be most competitive state.

That's MY state, bitches! We did it! We are the most! We are the most!

The same study finds Mississippi to be the least competitive state.

When reached for comment, state officials said, "Whatever."

Some are reporting that Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are divorcing after less than four months...

But that seems like a pessimistic, glass-only-less-than-four-months-full way of looking at things.

How about, this celebrity marriage lasted MORE THAN THREE MONTHS!
(I'm assuming...I don't really pay attention.)

All that remains is for a celebrity couple to announce their divorce at the same time as their marriage.

Or perhaps to just have the engagement be FOR the divorce:
"Will you unmarry me? In bad publicity and in good, in gay-ness or in straight, swear to be with me at least until I finish this sentence?"

Then release a divorced line of clothing, adopt an alien baby, and call it a night*.

*By "call it a night," of course I mean to give the baby the name "a night," spelled just like that with a space and no capital letters. Sounds reasonable.

Mel Gibson's new movie "Apocalypto" is about human sacrifice among the ancient Mayans.

It shares some similarities with "The Passion":

1) It takes place a long time ago.

2) The people in it don't speak American.

3) After the movie comes out, Mel will blame all the world's wars on the Mayans after being arrested by a Mayan cop.

4) My grandmother will hate it.