In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:
-- I advise comedian Sandra Bernhard, who lost work because of a rape joke involving Sarah Palin
-- I give Heather Locklear driving tips after her DUI arrest
-- I reach out to Britney Spears after hearing rumors of a sex tape
If
you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity
Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.
Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 4" (MP3, 6:49, 3.2 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: MP3
Keywords: celebrlties entertainment pop culture podcast news
Added: Tue, 7 Oct 2008

Dear Star Savior,
Hi.
It's comedian Sandra Bernhard. A women's shelter has cut me from its
annual benefit show because of a joke. The joke was about how vice
presidential candidate Sarah Palin would be "gang-raped by my big black
brothers." It was part of my criticism of Palin's opposition to
abortion rights. Basically, they took my remark out of context. What do
you think I should do?

Dear Sandra,
Since
the women's shelter was turned off by your rape joke's violence against
a woman, you should change the joke to make the rape less violent.
For an easy fix, you could change the gang rape into a solo rape. That way, there would less total violence.
Even
the most talented solo rapist can't match the work of a rape team. One
guy might be able to pull it off, but it would take a lot longer. And
he might not do it as well. He would be tired, so he could lose focus
and get sloppy.
But
you can keep the gang-rape setup if you cut back on the violence. Small
changes can add up, so start there. Change the joke so that the rapists
wear slacks instead of jeans, which can be rough and cause chafing.
Have them take off their shoes before the rape so they won't crush the
woman's feet. And it might help to put the rape after a long chase and
struggle, so the rapists would be winded.
You
also should focus on the tiny details when you rewrite the rape joke.
Have the rapists take off their jewelry and watches to avoid scratching
the woman. Change the joke so that the rapists haven't consumed or
handled any dairy or peanut products, in case the woman is allergic.
Just to be safe, have them carry some Benadryl. And make sure the
rapists use hand sanitizer. The last thing a raped woman needs is a
cold.
The Star Savior [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: sarah palin sex politics entertainment celebrities
Added: Tue, 7 Oct 2008

Dear Star Savior,
Hi.
It's actress Heather Locklear. I was arrested for driving under the
influence of prescription medication. An officer pulled me over after
someone reported that I was stumbling and driving erratically while
leaving a parking lot. I spent a few hours in jail, but I'm out on bail
now. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Heather,
Most
people would say you shouldn't drive after popping pills, but they're
wrong. Driving while intoxicated is just a form of multi-tasking. These
days, people don’t have time to run errands and then get high. To drive
while high is to drive under the influence of productivity.
Since
you were caught after someone saw your intoxicated driving, you should
find ways to make your intoxicated driving harder to see.
Your
DUI arrest happened in the afternoon, so you should do your intoxicated
driving at night. And turn off your headlights. Your double vision
won't be as clear, but other drivers won't see you. So it balances out.
You
also went wrong by driving while high in a parking lot. Doped-up
driving is meant for the freeways, where you can drive fast so people
have less time to see you swerve. It’s a classic for a reason.
You
also should make your car less easy to identify. For example, you
should avoid having vanity license plates that express your love for
prescription drugs, like "PILLCHIK" or "DOPEDIVA." And stay away from
bumper stickers like "I'd rather be awake."
And
don't forget the value of practice. Like any other skill, your talent
for intoxicated driving can be developed. You know how baseball players
practice swinging extra-heavy bats so regular bats feel light? Do the
same with your DUI work.
The next
time you get behind the wheel, have gin with your pills. If you hit
someone, drive while keeping them balanced on the windshield. Try
driving in reverse. Steer using chopsticks. Before long, you’ll wonder
why you ever bothered to drive sober.
The Star Savior
  [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: heather locklear drugs crime entertainment celebrities
Added: Tue, 7 Oct 2008

Dear Britney Spears,
I
just heard a rumor that your ex-boyfriend was planning to sell a
two-hour sex tape featuring you. He later said the sex tape doesn't
exist and that he never claimed to have one, so you may be in the
clear. But I need to know one thing: If there actually is a sex tape,
were you lip-synching?
The Star Savior [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: britney spears music sex celebrities entertainment
Added: Tue, 7 Oct 2008

In this week's "Dear Star Savior":
-- I show Clay Aiken a downside of his announcement that he’s gay
-- I advise Kanye West after his arrest for attacking a photographer
-- I ask Nicole Kidman about the roots of her latest pregnancy
If
you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity
Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here or at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.
Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 3" (MP3, 7:04, 3.2 MB)
Subscribe on iTunes

  [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: MP3
Keywords: podcast celebrities pop culture kanye west clay aiken
Added: Tue, 30 Sep 2008

Dear Star Savior,
Hi. It's singer Clay Aiken. In a People
magazine article, I announced that I'm gay. I decided to come out
because I wasn’t raised to lie or hide things, and I can’t raise my son
to do that. I may have turned off some of my fans, but I’ve gained a
lot of support from gay groups and this was something I couldn’t keep
hiding. What do you think?

Dear Clay,
It's
great that you decided to publicly come out, especially since you've
gained so much support from gay groups. But I think you've sold
yourself short.
Since
you made your coming-out all about the well-being of your baby, you
turned your back on another major group: deadbeat dads. You could have
gained the support of two groups at once by coming out and then running
out on your kid.
But
it's not too late to win deadbeat dads over. It’s just a matter of
using another magazine article to announce that you’re ditching your
son.
If
you think it would be hard to run out on your son, you're wrong: There
are way more places away from your kid than with him, so you really
can't miss. Like they say, there's no place like home, so don't stay
there.
I
recommend using a classic child-abandonment story as an excuse to get
out of the house. And if you have problems with being dishonest, don't
worry. You don't have to lie to walk out on your kid.
For
example, if you say you're going out for cigarettes, go out and
actually buy a pack. On your way out of town, stop by the house and
leave the receipt in the mailbox. If you start feeling guilty, leave
the kid a few smokes.
If
you say you're going out to grab a newspaper, go buy a newspaper at a
gas station -- in Kenya. Mail your son the comics and a hint for the
Jumble. He'll appreciate it down the road.
But
there are options for bailing on your son without traveling. Here’s a
tip: Call a missing-kids hotline to see if they know a kidnapper with
an opening for a boy. When a kidnapper gets a kid from a referral, the
pick-up is free.
Deadbeat
dads need some good buzz, and this is your chance to make it happen.
You can show how much deadbeat dads contribute to the world -- most of
it.
The Star Savior [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: clay aiken music family celebrities pop culture
Added: Tue, 30 Sep 2008

Dear Star Savior,
Hi.
It’s rapper Kanye West. I was arrested at Los Angeles International
Airport after struggling with a photographer and breaking his camera
and then lunging at a videographer. There won't be felony charges
against me and my manager, but I still may be charged with a
misdemeanor. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Kanye,
Even
though you won't face felony charges, your arrest was a sign: It’s time
for you to stop attacking random photographers in airports. You should
start attacking them away from airports, in places where you can really
make a connection.
Photographer
attacks aren’t meant to be done when you're rushing out of town. At an
airport, you can’t really commit to an attack. You should be able to
take your time and give it your full attention. Tell me this about the
photographer you attacked: What color were his eyes? I’ll bet you
didn't even notice.
I
think it’s time for you to start looking for one special photographer
to settle down with and attack. Do you want to still be lunging at
strange photographers in airports when you’re 50? Do you want to spend
your golden years worried about where a stranger’s camera has been?
If
you want to find The One, you have to put yourself out there and change
your approach. And don't limit yourself to attacking celebrity
photographers. It's time to start attacking the photographers you never
noticed before. The next time you're at Sears or Wal-Mart, lunge at the
person working the camera. Just lunge at them. Don't go all the way
with an attack yet. You'll ruin things if you move too fast.
You'll
find that when you attack a photographer away from an airport, it
really means something. You won't have to attack with one hand while
you hold baggage with the other. You can use metal objects to spice up
your hand-to-hand attacks. And you won't have to interrupt your attacks
to take off your shoes for security. You'll thank me after your first
kick.
The Star Savior [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: kanye west music crime celebrities pop culture
Added: Tue, 30 Sep 2008

Dear Nicole,
I
just heard that you're expecting another baby. I'd like to offer some
advice, but I need more information. I'm not clear on what you meant
when you said your pregnancy was caused by an Australian waterfall. Is
an "Australian waterfall" something you might see in porn?
The Star Savior [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: movies family sex celebrities entertainment pop culture
Added: Tue, 30 Sep 2008

In this week's "Dear Star Savior":
-- I show actor Ryan
O'Neal the bright side of being arrested for possession of methamphetamine
-- I help actor Gary
Coleman see an opportunity in being sued for attacking a fan
-- I reach out toLindsay Lohan after she is seen punching a photographer

If you see or hear about
a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796
or contact me here or through StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star
Savior" and listen to previous episodes.
Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 2" (MP3, 6:17, 3 MB)
Subscribe on iTunes [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: MP3
Keywords: podcast celebrities pop culture lindsay lohan
Added: Tue, 23 Sep 2008

Dear Star Savior,
Hi.
I’m actor Ryan O’Neal. My son and I were arrested last week after
authorities said they found methamphetamine in my home. We’re out on
bail now, but we could be charged with felonies. What do think I should
do?

Dear Ryan,
I
certainly understand your enjoyment of meth. Everyone needs a
pick-me-up once in a while, and who doesn't like to wind down by
scratching at imaginary bugs on their skin? But meth isn't good for
keeping around the house. So being arrested gives you a reason to find
new ways to keep meth in your life.
If
your meth is for medical purposes, you have made an excellent choice.
There is no better treatment for getting rid of unwanted teeth. But it
may be time for you to go natural. You should try household products
that can give the same results as using meth. For example, you could
replace your toothbrush with a small hammer.
But
if your meth is for weight loss, there's a catch: You'll lose weight,
but it's mostly water and hope. A better approach is to incorporate
meth ingredients into your diet. For breakfast, you could sprinkle your
cereal with Sudafed and have a glass of battery juice.
Of
course, no weight-loss plan is complete without exercise. It turns out
that meth withdrawal is a good way to get in shape. Not many people
know this, but the shakes are great for cardio. For a good
weight-training workout, hold dumbbells while you tweak. To work all of
your abs, twist from side to side while you vomit.
Nobody said meth can’t be healthy.
The Star Savior [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: ryan oneal celebrities drugs entertainment pop culture
Added: Tue, 23 Sep 2008

Dear Star Savior,
Hi.
It's Gary Coleman. I've been sued by a man who claims that I punched
him in the chest and hit him with my truck after an argument at a
bowling alley. The argument started when he kept taking pictures of me
after my bodyguard told him to stop or pay $20 per photo. What advice
do you have for me?

Dear Gary,
You
might not see it now, but being sued could be a big opportunity for
you. It's a chance to call attention to what could be your next big
thing. People have options for getting pictures of celebrities, but
where can they get a picture of a celebrity who then punches them and
hits them with a truck? Only from Gary Coleman.
You
weren't wrong to hit that guy with your truck because he didn't pay for
a photo. But it should have been an advertised deal. Being hit by a
truck seems OK if you get a receipt.
If
you want to make the most of this, it's time to think big. You should
start by buying a truck made for hitting pedestrians. At the
dealership, ask what safety features can be removed. For example, do
you really need brakes? Ask for extra blind spots. Have them tint your
headlights.
Since
you're best known as an actor, you should take extra steps to let
people know you're serious about punching and running over fans. Your
first move should be to get some training under your belt. Go learn why
anger management is wrong. Get certified in drunk driving. Study the
basics of domestic violence.
There
may be days when you just don’t feel like running over people or
punching chests. You might feel tempted to peacefully let them take
pictures of you. Don’t let that happen. The most important thing is to
always remember why you started running over fans: to reach out to
them, with your bumper.
The Star Savior [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: gary coleman celebrities pop culture entertainment
Added: Tue, 23 Sep 2008

Dear Lindsay,
I
just heard that you were seen punching a photographer after stumbling
and apparently assuming that the photographer had tripped you. I'd like
to offer advice, but I need to know one thing about your policy of
punching things that make you stumble: Did you ever punch your drinks?
The Star Savior [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: lindsay lohan celebrities pop culture entertainment
Added: Tue, 23 Sep 2008

This week on "Dear Star Savior," the first audio version of the celebrity advice column:
-- Rapper T.I. gets
advice about his child-support lawsuit
-- Lance Bass gets
advice about a potential ‘N Sync reunion, and
-- I reach out to
Star Jones after her divorce is finalized
If
you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, leave me a message
on the Celebrity Rescue Line at 206-426-5796 or contact me here or
through StarSavior.com.
Download "Dear Star Savior: Ep. 1" (MP3, 6:29, 3 MB)
  [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: MP3
Keywords: celebrities entertainment pop culture podcast advice
Added: Tue, 16 Sep 2008

Dear Star Savior,
Hi.
I'm rapper T.I. The mother of two of my children has sued me for more
child support. She claims that she's having a hard time supporting the
boys with the $2,000 she gets from me every month. I think she's
getting plenty of money, but she said she wants an amount that is equal
to my success. What should I do?

Dear T.I.,
I
hate to see you pay $2,000 a month for two kids, but there's a lesson
in this: When it comes to having kids, it's best to stock up. You
should have more kids with your ex so you can get a bulk discount on
your child support.
Your
project should be to get your ex's baby count way up there. Since
you're no longer together and you're engaged to someone else, there's
only one way to do it: You'll have to basically coat her entire world
with your sperm.
The
goal is to hit everything that comes within striking range of her
uterus. Hit her furniture with a layer of sperm, and make sure to get
both sides of the couch cushions. Load her underwear with sperm. Pack
it into her shower head. Spermify all of her feminine products, and
you'll have a baby that's fresh and ready to ride horses.
But
if you need more of a quick fix, focus on making the existing kids
cheaper to maintain. I recommend depression. It's a great cost-cutter.
If
your kids are depressed, they'll eat less and their mom will need less
money for food. And the kids will lose weight, which is perfect for
you, since you can pay child support by the pound, now that obesity is
so popular. To make sure the kids don't turn to stress eating, try to
push them into some body-image issues. It turns out that anorexia is
great for grocery savings. And it never expires.
The Star Savior [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: celebrities entertainment music pop culture t.i. family
Added: Tue, 16 Sep 2008

Dear Star Savior,
Hi.
I'm Lance Bass from 'N Sync. The guys are ready to get the band back
together, but there's only one snag: Justin Timberlake is on tour
non-stop. Everything else is lined up, but Justin is such a workaholic
that he may never take a break from touring. And he's getting married
soon, so that could add even more to his schedule. How can I help make
this reunion work?

Dear Lance,
To
make this reunion happen, you'll have to help Justin find a way to slow
down. Workaholics are so into their jobs that they just can't see the
need to back off. There's only one thing keeping Justin out on tour all
the time: his success. So get rid of that.
One
of the best ways to put the brakes on a music career is drugs. Once you
get Justin hooked, he'll have plenty of time for 'N Sync. Nothing
simplifies a busy life like addiction.
 
Since
Justin's getting married soon, there's a golden opportunity to get him
addicted. You'll have to make it happen, since most drug dealers don't
offer wedding registries.
You
could hold the reception in a crackhouse. They put together a pretty
good spread, including some vegetarian dope and a carving station where
they cut coke lines for guests.
You
could have the rehearsal dinner catered by a meth lab. The waiters are
energetic and they really have a passion for the menu. The meth lab
could cater the reception, too, but you'd have to be really specific
when you ask for an ice sculpture.
Of
course, once Justin's back with 'N Sync, you'll have to deal with his
addiction. But it's not a big deal. As it turns out, junkies love to
dance. Just find a choreographer who can build a routine around the
shakes.
The Star Savior [more]

Author: Marcus Howard
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: celebrities entertainment lance bass music pop culture
Added: Tue, 16 Sep 2008