Or Dead? 

I'll google it. 

Give it up already, ya wenches!  ARRRRRR!!

My friend just bought a High Def TV...

I thought High Definition was smoking weed and reading the dictionary. 

The Bush family's black American Shorthair's last life was cut short when he finally realized he wouldn't be the only black man in the White House.

Chance of bad luck on the South Lawn is down 100%. 

Next Oldest Man Totally Psyched

I walked into the Church of  Scientology to watch the free movie (and for material).  When I was leaving the overly friendly lady was trying to sell me the book Dianetics.

As I refused to purchase it she said, "Are you perfect?  If there was one thing that you could do to improve your life, what would it be?"

and I said, "I'd stop buying things I don't need."

I can't afford Christmas shopping this year, so I'm giving my mother a set of 8 coasters.   Made out of old CDs sitting on my bookshelf!

This year I’m not exactly going Christmas shopping.  I’m just opening my closet...  My sister will love this vintage Lite Brite! 

For Christmas my parents got me Adidas pants and a matching top...

Like I was gonna go out and join a breakdancing team