People outside of America can't understand why Americans re-elected George Bush.

I always say - the country had a nervous breakdown after 9/11, and we would have followed a retarded chimpanzee as our leader. And that's exactly what happened.

Donald Rumsfeld is stepping down as Secretary of Defense, screaming, "If I can't play with my bomb, I'm going to go home!!!"

Conservatives have proven, conclusively, that they are unable to govern the country because they are serving in an institution, the government, that they fundamentally don't believe in. It's like asking a Rabbi to preach at a Baptist church.

"Let us all bow our heads in prayer to....uh, does it have to be Jesus?? Oy!!"

Rev. Ted Haggard was accused by a male hustler of paying for sex once a month for three years, and doing crystal meth, while simultaneously preaching against gay sex.

If I did all that, I'd be haggard, too.

A new calendar put out by the Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute features monthly pinups of "great conservative women" such as Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham.

The subtitle of the calendar is, "Where erections go to die."

Dick Cheney said that the US doesn't "torture," but that we have a "robust interrogation program."

Your honor, I didn't "rape" her, we just had a "robust exchange of fluids."

After the New Jersey Supreme Court voted to legalize gay marriage in the state, George W. Bush restated his position that marriage is a "sacred institution."

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, a drunken homeless man picked up a crack whore at Jiggles strip club at 3 a.m. The two went to a wedding chapel where an Elvis impersonator on crystal meth joined them in said sacred institution.

Several movie theater chains, including Regal Cinemas, have refused to show the film "Death of a President" because it shows the assassination of President George Bush.

Said a Regal executive, "We don't want to falsely get the American people's hopes up."

Two gay men were on an American Airlines flight, one asleep with his head on the other's shoulder, and a flight attendant came over and told them to "stop that, the touching and the kissing."

She then saw a Muslim trying to light his shoe on fire, and said, "Need a match?"

Arkansas Razorback players Clarke Moore, Brett Goode and Casey Dick relax on the sidelines