A Kansas man has won the state lottery twice in one year.

Before you become green with envy, remember that the man lives in Kansas.

Brett Favre retired again, saying he will not play for the Vikings.

After the announcement, John Madden was seen sobbing, crying, then eating a triple-decker turkey sandwhich, followed by more crying. 

The toothbrush was invented 511 years ago in China. The technology is expected to make its way into Great Britain and Kentucky any day now.

Scientists have discovered that the most massive black hole in existence weighs two to three times more than previously thought. In related news, fans of Val Kilmer have made a similar discovery.

Bret Michaels, singer for the 80s hair-band Poison, suffered a broken nose when he was struck by a piece of descending scenery at Sunday night's Tony Awards on Broadway. Sadly, the injury has robbed Michaels of his ability to smell desperate skanks from miles away.

I don't really have a joke here. I just found it odd to see a headline with the words "harden" and "stance" involving a politician other than Larry Craig.

In his final press conference, President George W. Bush acknowledged that it was a mistake to display the "Mission Accomplished"  banner after the 2003 Iraq invasion.

Bush stated that instead, the banner should have read "Hey Eye-Rack-ees! I'm Not Done Freein' the Shit Outta You Yet."

Tom Cruise says that the Church of Scientology helped cure his disability.

Richard Simmons has announced he is joining the Church, stating "If they can cure that guy of being gay, there's hope for me yet."

Apparently, the medication is called "sunlight".