LOS ANGELES, CA-A California judge has ordered a paternity test to determine the father of Anna Nicole Smith's 3-month-old daughter, Dannielynn Hope. A spokesperson for the family said that Ms. Smith’s baby is eager to learn the results so that she knows exactly who to blame when she becomes a stripper.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Lindsay Lohan's publicist criticized the media Thursday for mocking a heartfelt letter the actress wrote following director Robert Altman's death last week. When reached for comment, Mr. Altman’s family said that they were very moved by the letter and that “it was the most thoughtful thing ever written on a bar napkin.”

LOS ANGELES, CA--Nicole Kidman has been named the highest paid actress by The Hollywood Reporter on Wednesday. The Oscar-winning actress is said to make up to $17 million per movie. Ms. Kidman celebrated the exciting news by trying to move her face.

WASHINGTON – In an attempt to get North Korea's attention, the Bush administration is using sanctions that will make it tougher for Kim Jong Il obtain iPods, plasma televisions and Segway electric scooters. Following this hard-line of foreign policy against rogue leaders, Vice President Cheney has vowed to send Osama Bin Laden to his room.

NEW YORK-- Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson and rock-rapper Kid Rock filed for divorce on Monday seeking to end their marriage of less than four months. Details on the split can be read in the current issue of “Saw This Coming” Weekly.

BAGHDAD, Iraq-In an attempt to calm the current surge in violence in Iraq, Iran has agreed to assist the war-torn country by sending President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to meet with Iraqi leaders and serve as a consultant. In related news, Michael Richards has hired Mel Gibson as his publicist.

NEW YORK - Ford Motor Co. pulled ads from gay-themed publications in the face of a boycott by the conservative American Family Association, according to reports. In response, gay and lesbian advocacy groups critizied the company for agreeing to cave in to pressure from the religious right. Until the matter is resolved, only subscibers to The Weekly Standard and The American Spectator will be able to take a look at the new model hybrid Ford "Flamer".

A recent NASA study found that supermassive black holes, located at the center of some galaxies, are the most fuel efficient engines in the universe. "If car engines were as efficient as these black holes, you could get a billion miles out of a gallon of gas," said a study team leader. NASA officials refused to give any further details on their finding stating that they “do not want to give the President any more retarded ideas.”

Los Angeles, CA- Actor Christian Slater apparently fell off the roof of Paris Hilton's neighbor's house whilst attending a party for the celebutante. Luckily the actor was not injured in the accident thanks to some bushes below that broke his fall. Sources are not sure what prompted Mr. Slater to climb on the roof, but police suspect he was looking for his career.

LOS ANGELES, CA-U.S. researchers for the journal of Hormones and Behavior found that a study of young women showed that they frequently wear flashier clothing and show more skin when they are ovulating. Based on these findings, scientists concluded that Paris Hilton is still “just a slut.”