My sister is angry with me. She found out that I bought her kid some beer.He's 25! A soldier returning from Afganistan, and I thought I would say thank you with a case of beer. She's a big fan of Jesus, so she got all mad. I told her, "He's a grown man, you need to cut the cord. Which was a poor choice of words, because she came at me with a pair of scissors. He is shipping out again, and when he gets back from Iraq, I'm gonna give him a bottle of Jack.

I think Uncle Sam has got to go. Just look at him. Would you leave your small children home alone with this guy? How are we supposed to treat each other like brothers, when all we are is cousins? Who wants to go to war and fight for their uncle? If you offend Mom, we got a problem.  But you could beat the crap out of my uncle. Let's put a big apron on the Statue of Liberty, and stick a spatula in her hand. We can call her Mom, and heaven help anyone that messes with her.