NEW YORK - Shampoo, cell phones and Starbucks lattes have suddenly become security threats.

"In mid-flight you could go into the toilet, attach the mobile phone to the explosives and, as the plane makes a final approach over a densely populated urban area, you detonate it," said Irish security analyst Tom Clonan.

To which Osama Bin Laden responded, "Could you go over that again Tom Clonan?...and slower this time?", as he feverishly jotted something in his journal.

Two guys walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the first guy "What'll ya have?"

He responds, "Manishevitz for me, a glass of!".

The second guy then blames him for all the wars in the world.

To which the bartender follows, "I really hope you're not driving tonight Mr. Gibson".

DENVER - Ben Cook, 18, of Provo, Utah, set a cell-phone text-messaging record Friday, blazing through a 160-character standardized message in 42.22 seconds.

Cook is also the current holder of related records such as the world's fastest time to hand over your lunch money and holding your breath upside down in a toilet.

A Sergeant in the U.S. military has been discharged due to the revelation that he is a homosexual.

A photo has been released of the gay former Sergeant- shown here  as a Cap'n.

PARIS (Reuters) - Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has tested positive for the male hormone testosterone, the U.S. rider's team said on Thursday.

This is a condemning blow to the champ, as everyone knows bicyclists over the age of 13 have no testosterone in their bodies.