Team celebrates by hiring strippers. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: News
Keywords: duke
Added: Sat, 23 Dec 2006

New KGB Borscht, by Chef V. Pootine   2 quarts beef stock3 tablespoons butter1 cup cabbage, finely chopped1 cup potatoes, diced1/2 cup carrots, diced1 stalk celery, minced1 onion, chopped1 1/2 cups canned tomatoes1/2 cup juice (from can of beets)1 cup cooked or canned beets, diced1 teaspoon vinegarchopped dill or parsley (for garnishing)dollop sour cream a pinch of radioactive isotope polonium-210   In a large heavy pan, melt butter and lightly sauté cabbage, potatoes, carrots, celery and onion for approximately 5 minutes. Add beef stock. Blend canned tomatoes or press through a sieve until fine. Add pureed tomatoes and beet juice to stock. Cover and simmer over low heat until vegetables are firmly tender but not soft. At this point, add the polonium-210, being careful not to get it on any exposed skin, as you will die. Season well with salt and pepper and serve with a dollop of sour cream to your least favorite person. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: News
Keywords: putin russia
Added: Mon, 27 Nov 2006

"I'd like to support my new brother in arms, Cosmo Kramer, for getting our message out there, but I could never bring a title like that back to the clubhouse," junior Klansman Earl Shiflett was overheard saying to a local Blockbuster employee."Could you recommend some of his work that doesn't sound so Jewey?" [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: Entertainment
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 22 Nov 2006

      In a press release today, Michael J. Fox announced plans to battle a human embryo live on  Pay Per View, for the rights to its stem cells.  "Apparently my shaky pleas for help are not getting through to the American public," Fox said.  "After they see me give that embryo a beat down on national television, they will understand that a Hollywood celebrity is superior to some unaccomplished fetus wannabe." Rush Limbaugh is in talks to provide color commentary on the fight, and Fox has promised to be "off his meds" for the contest.  [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: stem cells michael j. fox rush limbaugh
Added: Wed, 8 Nov 2006

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson withdrew Tuesday from the team overseeing counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard. In his concession speech, Dobson said, "Haggard was much gayer than he had first assessed and combined with the meth habit... well, this supercharged homo is more than I'm trained to handle." Dobson wished the rest of the team good luck and God speed and that there was still hope that the disgraced former pastor could be de-gayed. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: News
Keywords: ted haggard
Added: Wed, 8 Nov 2006

Randy Kuhl, the incumbent Republican Senator, won the 29th district of New York State, with the help of a local 40-year-old virgin who creepily wears his Halloween costume for a full week. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: Political
Keywords: elections
Added: Wed, 8 Nov 2006

      Karl Rove, in an attempt to mobilize the Republican base for today's election, sings the theme to the Dukes of Hazzard for reporters. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: Political
Keywords:
Added: Tue, 7 Nov 2006

I don't mean to boast, but I had a pretty kick ass show in Sadr City the other night. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 2 Nov 2006

Kim Jong right after his 2:30 salon appointment. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: News
Keywords: north korea kim jong il
Added: Thu, 2 Nov 2006

I have always called this a quickie, but Floridians have their own romantic ways of speaking. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 2 Nov 2006

In a knee jerk response to Barack Obama's announcement that he will explore a run for the Democratic Presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton signed on as a junior member of the Ku Klux Klan.In a low key ceremony in her home state of Arkansas, Hillary was inducted as an honorary klansman, ostensibly hoping to put some fear in the heart of her potential rival. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: Political
Keywords: obama hillary
Added: Tue, 24 Oct 2006

Inside sources say that Brad and Angelina have made a move that will bring Madonna's new adopted baby, David, into their family, forming what experts are calling a "third world celebrity adoption dream team."Pitt shocked famous adopters everywhere when he offered his and Angelina's birth child, Shiloh, for the rights to the newly acquired David. Madonna and Ritchie are said to be happy with the terms, which are rumored to include first dibs on a 2009 adoption to be held in Sri Lanka. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: brad pitt angelina madonna adoption
Added: Tue, 24 Oct 2006

This is bullshit!  Madonna's adopted baby David Banda already has more My Space friends than me!  Its not fair.  I've been on My Space for over a year now, and that damn baby just joined yesterday.  He already has over 2000 friends!  And he doesn't even know how to type.  I for one am sick and tired of adopted african celebrity children stealing the spotlight from well deserved people like myself. Of course I added David as a friend, and put him in my top 8, but I'm still damn angry about it.  Not at you though David.  Thanks for the add dude. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: my space
Added: Wed, 18 Oct 2006

America's 300,000,000 millionth person has entered the world and sadly, experts say that will most likely be the peak achievement of that child's life."Statistically speaking, these landmark babies don't amount to much in life," said Mark Somerton, a social science expert. "The pressure of being labeled a milestone in the human race is usually too much to bear, and the child will start to feel inadequate almost as soon as he or she can speak."Somerton's conclusions are based on the fact that both the 100 millionth and the 200 millionth Americans both had promising careers before self destructing, eventually joining the freak show circuit and dying in poverty. [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 18 Oct 2006

Review excerpted from Computer Gaming World magazine: "I've been lucky enough to get advance play on Sony's Playstation 3, due out in November, and I can tell you that it's completely and totally fuckable. I played 'Virtua Fighter 5' for eight hours straight and I had an almost constant erection. Although I have never had sex with a 'real' woman, I'm still confident that these graphics beat the shit out of any breasts you might get your hands on.I was worried that I might have to venture outside my house and interact with actual people, but Sony has really come through this time. I won't have to see the sun for at least the next year. A++" [more]

Author: Tim Young
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Mon, 16 Oct 2006