Team celebrates by hiring strippers.

"I'd like to support my new brother in arms, Cosmo Kramer, for getting our message out there, but I could never bring a title like that back to the clubhouse," junior Klansman Earl Shiflett was overheard saying to a local Blockbuster employee."Could you recommend some of his work that doesn't sound so Jewey?"

In a press release today, Michael J. Fox announced plans to battle a human embryo live on  Pay Per View, for the rights to its stem cells. 

"Apparently my shaky pleas for help are not getting through to the American public," Fox said.  "After they see me give that embryo a beat down on national television, they will understand that a Hollywood celebrity is superior to some unaccomplished fetus wannabe."

Rush Limbaugh is in talks to provide color commentary on the fight, and Fox has promised to be "off his meds" for the contest. 

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson withdrew Tuesday from the team overseeing counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard.

In his concession speech, Dobson said, "Haggard was much gayer than he had first assessed and combined with the meth habit... well, this supercharged homo is more than I'm trained to handle."

Dobson wished the rest of the team good luck and God speed and that there was still hope that the disgraced former pastor could be de-gayed.

Randy Kuhl, the incumbent Republican Senator, won the 29^th district of New York State, with the help of a local 40-year-old virgin who creepily wears his Halloween costume for a full week.

Karl Rove, in an attempt to mobilize the Republican base for today's election, sings the theme to the Dukes of Hazzard for reporters.

I don't mean to boast, but I had a pretty kick ass show in Sadr City the other night.

Kim Jong right after his 2:30 salon appointment.

I have always called this a quickie, but Floridians have their own romantic ways of speaking.