"John McCain loved Palin's debate performance. Matter of fact, he applauded so much, all the lights in his home kept on going on and off."

David Letterman

They are now putting to an end something called short selling.  Which is when you borrow stock that you don’t own and sell it hoping it will go down so that so you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn’t?

Bill Maher

"For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means Dan Quayle."

Jay Leno

"Five kids? Does anyone in that party understand the concept of pulling out?"

Bill Maher

"Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life."

Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain's vice president. That's true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR."

Conan O'Brien

"Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that’s who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can."

Bill Maher

"This isn't a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF."

Bill Maher

"She said she had not enjoyed it. Isn't that amazing? Something like 100 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only people who don't seem to enjoy it are running for office."

Jay Leno

"Back in 1984, Sarah Palin finished second in the Miss Alaska pageant. Now she might be the vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty-pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace."

Jay Jeno