Miss California is through in pageants. Now that she's pissed off the gays, who's going to style her hair? Who's going to design her dresses? Who's going to WATCH HER BEAUTY PAGEANT? Normal heterosexual Christian men won't watch--they're too busy looking at the semi-nude picture of her at 17.

It's called the Swat Valley because everybody wears black and has an assault rifle...and it's a valley. 

Olympic officials have ruled that pot is NOT a performance enhancing drug, except in competitive eating, and that one sport where you ski and shoot—what’s it called? Oh, yeah, competitive poor judgment.

A British newspaper published a photo of Michael Phelps inhaling from a marijuana pipe. Phelps says he only took one hit, but he held it for three minutes.

Exxon Mobil reported a profit of $45.2 billion for 2008. While gasoline prices are down, there’s been a huge upsurge in the demand for the petroleum product used in Pork with Snow Peas at your local Chinese buffet. 

Exxon Mobil reported a profit of $45.2 billion for 2008. The U.S. government responded “Maybe GM should sleep on YOUR couch for a while.”

Education Secretary Arne Duncan says if we want to stimulate the economy we need a better-educated workforce. He suggests we focus on three core proficiencies: making hobo coffee in a can, sign spinning, and correctly identifying the country to which our job was outsourced. 

Authorities say the Mafia has a big presence on the social networking site, Facebook.  It's easy to spot a mobster's profile--all the personal items say "None of your friggin business. The less you know the better." except for their hobbies, which are "Doing favors for people" and "Controlling all the trash hauling in Second Life."