Relief pitcher J.J. Putz signs big contract with Seattle. 
Special clause in the 98 mph fastballer's contract:

Be in a market where they don't speak Yiddish.

Italian soccer player Marco Borriello tested postive for steroids. Instead of accepting his ban meekly, Marco claimed he unknowingly ingested the drug because his supermodel girlfriend - Belen Rodriquez - had used a steroidic yeast infection vaginal cream.

Back in the states Barry Bonds slapped his oversized head, muttering "Why didn't I think of that?"

Some of us are hoping the case goes to court so Borriello's attorney can say to the judge just as Rodgriquez walks in "I give you exhibit # 1"

In Ripon California, pastor Randall Radic sold his church building to a couple for an office buiding. After pocketing the $ 525,000, he neglected to tell his congregation about the sale.

In other local news, they're changing the name of the town to "Ripoff."

A Colorado Springs boy's basketball coach has been accused of striking his players in the groin, showing them pornography and pouring water on them during the winter.

The coach answers that the "striking groin" accusation is not a foul because he got "all ball."

According to Colorado law, hitting a man in the groin and showing them pornography carries a different penalty depending on which is done first.

Chicago Bear tackle "Tank" Johnson arrested and charged for possessing six firearms in his house. The arresting officer said "Tank" didn't have proper I.D. to possess these guns.

By proper I.D. then, I guess it would be okay if he owned a tank???

I'm not lying...
in Wichita, Kansas a dealer tries to sell $ 1000 of marijuana
from his home when a thief pulls a gun and steals it.

So the dealer calls 911, reports the theft
Drug sniffing dog shows up at the door... with a cop
The guy REPEATS the story... all the way to jail
"Bastard pulls a gun... stole my weed
I can describe him!!"

This story probably deserved a joke but...
you hate to spoil the authenticity

The world's oldest woman - Lizzie Bolden - dies in Memphis at age 116.

OJ Simpson rushes in to give eulogy.
Says those acquitted of double sharp instrument murders need to stick together.

Later, someone whispered to Simpson that he was thinking of "Borden" not "Bolden" to which Simpson said "Oh my gosh, but at least Chicago forgave her cow."

Vegas taking odds on how soon this headline appears again.