Someone should tell the young lady that if she's gonna take it outta the garage, she oughtta get it detailed first.

In an effort to avoid uncomfortable questions from people, I've started referring to my shrink as my "voice coach."

Unfortunately, it seems to lead to different uneasy exchanges.

"A voice coach?! Are you trying to lose your Boston accent?"

"Uhh, no, I'm trying to lose the one that's telling me to wear your face as a hat."

Amid the brewing controversy over Michael Richards' racist tirade against several black hecklers at a show in Hollywood last Friday, many people are turning to the stand-up comedian community in asking if there was a better way to handle the incident.

Most comics prepare a fall-back line destined to shut up even the most seasoned heckler once and for all. As Richards explained later, "I couldn't take it anymore. These guys were bugging the piss outta me. So I lined up the big gun and prepared to blow these loudmouths away, when all of a sudden, I got a good look at them, and, I'll be damned. I do go down to where they work and knock the dicks out of their mouths. Yeah, like every other Friday. It's just something I like doing. Talk about embarrassing. I don't know where the n----- stuff came from. I was just ad-libbing at that point."

A federal judge has forbidden the reality TV show Rockstar's rockers from performing under the name Supernova, after a lawsuit filed by shitty Orange County band, Supernova.

The judge suggested that there was only room "for one band to suck out loud under the moniker Supernova" and suggested the made-for-TV foursome consider alternative names like Bisexual Canuck and the Irrelevants, or Johnny Handjob and the State Fair Swingers.

The judge also took a moment out to address Rockstar host Dave Navarro, saying, "Ma'am, you're going to have to button up your shirt or shave your beard if you want to sit in my courtroom."

Morbid, gloomy gun nuts everywhere are reeling in the wake of the latest chapter in what's being described as "a PR nightmare."

Yesterday in Montreal, 25-year-old Kimveer Gill opened fire on a college campus, killing one student and wounding nineteen others.

Montreal police have expressed relief that Gill spent most of his time masturbating bitterly while his mascara ran, rather than at a shooting range.

(AP)  - Drexel, MO - A man from the Drexel area was charged Sunday with one count of murder as investigators scoured a rural plot of land where they think up to seven people may have been killed.

Michael Lee Shaver Jr., 33, was charged with first-degree murder and armed criminal action related to a killing that occurred in the fall of 2001. Officials say Shaver told investigators he has killed seven people on the property, all of whom he met through narcotics transactions.

Police originally visited Shaver to inquire about an attemtped carjacking. As he was being arrested, he confessed to the seven killings.

And if that's not a pretty severe indictment against drug use, I don't know what is.

Shaver went out to loudly proclaim that "Drugs don't shoot, kill, rob, dismember, burn in a fireplace in my bedroom, use a hammer to crush large bones and skulls and then scatter around a rural property, I do."

Reports are surfacing that Kate Hudson is officially separating from her husband, Black Crowes' singer, Chris Robinson.

Observers note this is the first divorce for actress Hudson, but the second for Robinson, citing his split with musical relevance sometime in the early 90's.

Because I haven't seen any parachutes on trans-Atlantic flights recently.

Associated Press is reporting that a new study conducted by Pediatrics magazine appears to confirm a long-suspected link between teens listening to music with overt sexual themes or lyrics and tenns engaging in underage sex.

Whether the raunchy music was pop, rock or hip-hop, it seems to be inspiring fans to engage in sexual activity at younger ages than fans who listen to other forms of music.

Among the safest forms of music for teens appears to be Norweigian death metal where the study found 100% of fans to be gloomy, sock-fucking virgins.