Anyone who has ever had sex will tell you, it’s much better without the condom, No matter how thin, no matter how lubed, no matter what animal skin, it’s just not the same.

Without the condom, you connect with your lover in a passionate way. You feel him, he feels you, your bodies are moving in motion....

However huge down side to this condom-free loving is STD’s, and I’m not a big fan of having anything oozing, scratching, burning or worse – so I got the bright idea to try a new form of contraceptive, the insert.

You’ve walked by the insert in the feminine hygiene aisle, may have heard about in health class, maybe even contemplated it yourself but I’m here to tell you don’t try it.

I figured the insert was better than the pull out method; the insert would catch any little strays that got away from the pack. The insert would allow for total enjoyment and not some messy clean up process..... and things actually started out great.

We were in the midst of passion, oohing and awing, sweating in satisfaction. He’s looking at me. I’m looking at him, intent on pleasuring one another then he whispers “baby I’m on fire”

To which I think baby you are, but he meant literally as in halt scene, stop action, and him running to the bathroom.

It seems that my lover was having an allergic reaction to the insert. One that led to the burning, oozing, and scratching and honestly you never ever want to be that GIRL.

He’s in the bathroom for several minutes, trying to wash the insert off, trying to get rid of the burning sensation and it calms a bit until he tries to pee.

This was probably the worst sex moment ever. The moment your lover is trying to pee and it’s worse than passing gall bladder stones, he shrieks in pain. I wince in horror.

He comes out of the bathroom, frantic looking for a number on the box. Re-reads the contents carefully seeing if there was a hidden warning that he missed, I missed. And then as if it couldn’t get any worse he calls his friend. Not just any friend, a friend that I’m supposed to meet later that night the doctor friend.

A doctor friend confirms that he’s having an allergic reaction and it’s probably in his urethral canal and, it needs to flush its way out-

I thought “great no problem”

He was thinking more of the fiery hell he experienced each time he peed.

And really nothing will ever prepare you for being that girl.... The one that broke a guy’s dick. No matter how many fights you have, how many I hate you’s, how many nights of crappy sex when you thought “is this it”.....nothing prepares you for this moment.

The moment you walk into a room, meet all of his friends and they all know the story, snickers behind your back, questioning eyes as if sex with me was worth it. So I put on a happy face, knew that everyone was talking about me saw my lover in pain for the next several hours and tried to keep him happy and drunk....neither worked.

Needless to say it was the last time we were together.

So please take heed.....insert is bad, condom not so good but the alternatives are far worse.

You know that you’ve seen them...ugly children. You see them when you’re out shopping, at amusement parks, when you’re walking your dog.

You stare at them like they’re walking freak shows, especially the ones with the big heads, like they’re carrying little watermelons on their shoulders.

The really sad part about ugly children is that you somehow blame the parents. You know your eyes go from child to parent and then parent to child, questioning, asking what went wrong, how did it happen?

My personal advice is never date a man with a big head. If a man has a head size larger than normal, imagine your child. Imagine the type of head you’re going to be forced to push out. Also imagine if this man has a head with a weird flat side, it might be cute on him, but imagine if you child gets the flat side but not in the same place. So instead of having the weird flat side on the back, the kid has it in the front...so now your child has a weird smushed face. The rest of your kid’s life, he’s known as Mr. Squish Face.

It’s like ugly children carry a plaque or something. Its one topic, no one ever touches because you’re afraid your children will in turn come out ugly. It’s so bad that when you see an ugly child out and about you tend to stay away from them as if they could spread their ugliness just by being close to you.

No one ever really says “Oh Wow, you have an ugly baby” because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feeling, but it’s hurtful enough that you thought it, and you know other people are thinking the same thing.

I ran into two ugly children recently. I stopped to pick up dinner before heading home and the ugly kids were in front of me. Honestly I probably wouldn’t have noticed except the parents were slightly annoying. The type of annoying like we’ve been staring at the menu for 10 minutes and still undecided, as in holding up the line and me becoming slightly annoyed. Then they started to rattle off their order like they’ve forgotten how to speak... uh we’d like an uh (long pause) the suddenly salad as if a light bulb just went off somewhere and uh (yet another long pause) a bean and cheese burrito and uh (long pause). It continued this way until they had ordered for all 4 family members. It was simply my annoyance that made me observe them a little too closely, and sure enough wrapped around the beautiful mom was an ugly girl and at her waist an ugly little boy.

They were the type of children that you see and hope that they grow into their features. The boy was a little Mr. Squish Face, who kept running around and squatting as if he were going #2, and the little girl, well let’s just hope that because this is Hollywood she finds a great plastic surgeon because I’m not sure there’s much hope for her.

But I say all of this not to simply make fun of the ugly kids, in fact I feel like starting my own greeting cards found at uglychildren.com. We should celebrate them; after all if it weren’t for the ugly ones, would you ever feel pretty?