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Sean A. Crespo "Passion. Sharks. Recalcitrance. The official constituants of Sean Crespo's Values Pyramid ®."
But yeah, let's keep that "debate" about global warming going a little longer. I'm so tired of beautiful snow peacefully blanketing the ground and enjoying hot cocoa inside after a snowball fight and not sweating in January. Really, it's got to come to a stop. Thankfully, America's business butt-buddies, the Republicans, have been doing God's work (well, the God in Revelations at least) and making sure we fart out every ounce of fossil fuel we can from our collective societal asses.
We should run a few more years' studies to make absolutely sure that that blue liquid coming off the melting arctic shelves is in fact water, and not, as the Heritage Foundation would have us believe "spillage from an enormous, delicious raspberry Slushy. And what kind of American could hate a Slushy?"
Maybe conservatives are stalling, keeping their shrill cries and hope-stabbing decibels up just long enough for the Republican Party to grow gills and invent underwater firearms. Couldn't live without those, now could they? I sure hope they invent Mer-Mexicans to carry out all the hard labor for them in their new briny abodes. I wonder though it they'll pay them under the water table, so taxes don't get taken out or if they'll even pay them minimum wave.
ABOVE: Future American President Costner, about to sign the historic Mer-American Aquahomestedders Surrender Treaty with Atlantian Emperor Screelleeeaaaascreeekky Skreeeeek Skreeeeleeekee. Note Costner's use of the traditional harpoon-shaped quill, a sign of respect to our new H2Overlords.
Working with a grant from the think tank the Institute for American Dating Studies (IADS), a series of pairs of diametrically opposite, polar personalities from similar fields and socio-economic backgrounds were selected to go on 10-15 dates and to record the events therein and to observe how, or rather if, their feelings for one another progressed. There are ten pairs in total. Comedians Sara Benincasa and Sean Crespo were selected as the "control group." This is the official observation web logs of those participants.
DATE #1
Sean's web log
The Salsa Class
Ok, guys at IADS, before I get started with the main body of my entry, I just want to say thanks again for this tremendous opportunity to poison my reputation around New York and to make many new lifelong enemies. The $100 a date you're paying me is not enough considering that this was my first date on your stupid experiment and I'm already sick to death of my "partner," if you can call someone who throws sharpened dance shoes at you on your first date with her a partner.
Unfortunately, according to your experiments' rules, you can.
So listen, whatever it is Sara is going to tell you about last night will be entirely false. How do I know this? Because Sara spent the better part of the night lying to me and those around us about herself. That's how. If I were you, I'd run another background check on her by the by. I saw her resume during the interview process and now that I know her a little better, I feel confident making the claim that she is NOT the Hungarian Mud Sculpting Champion (99-03) that she reported to be--just an FYI there. Here's another 'for instance' of S.B.'s BS.
Sara told me last night during some awkwardly erratic small talk--and by the way, does she have some crippling emotional disease you haven't told me about yet? Were you planning on telling me? And really, if we're the scientific control for this experiment, I'd hate to see the train wreck variables you've paired up for the other dates.--that she had spent a year in the Canadian Coast Guard and was proficient in CPR, the Heimlich Maneuver, Menopause (it sounded convincing when she listed it), and several other life saving techniques.
"What a happy coincidence!" I thought to myself when at dinner the man eating next to us began to choke on his veal burger and later went into cardiac arrest.
"Oh my god!" I said out loud moments later when Sara went over to him, made as if she were trying to help save his life, and then started going through his pockets for money and credit cards. She then cut the maitre d' a fifty to keep his mouth shut.
As the coroner pulled up, just as our black cab pulled away, I wondered if this dating blog experiment thing was such a good idea. And then as Sara exclaimed that "just because we dined and douched" didn't mean I still didn't have to pay if I wanted to visit her vaginal metropolis "Snatchville" later that night...I knew it was not such a good idea.
I guess I should get to the main body of events. As prescribed by you, after dinner we headed over to Crazy Sal's Mad Loco Salsa dance studio over at the corner of 112th Street and Malcolm the Tenth Blvd for a night of what I was hoping would be an exhilarating peak at the caliente culture of the latin nations. That was not to be, it seems, at least not when your dance partner keeps loudly exclaiming things I never even intimated, thought, or much less said, things like, "See, and you thought Spanish people were barely even people! But look how pretty their dances are! They must be good for something besides being America’s pack mules, like you said at dinner!"
Besides being banned there for life, the only other thing I find more depressing about last night is the full-page ad my landlord, Manny Ramirez (no Bosox relation), found in the Spanish newspaper El Periodico! this morning which features my terrified/enraged face and the headline (which Manny graciously translated for me before he and the rest of the Ramirez clan removed my person from apartment #3C with, literally, brandished pitchforks--they work at the Home Depot garden center it turns out) "Hitler Youth On Hate Crime Spree."
The author of this article? Hmm, funny that. The paper lists it as the work of "freelance reporter Mariasara Beunocasa."
I'm sure there's no connection to the wholly disparately named Sara Benincasa, who I went on a date with at that same Salsa dance studio, who instigated the arguments and accusations that followed, and who even took the photo of me defending myself as our dance instructor Juan attempted to flay my face with a plastic rose, complete with real "fake" thorns.
Well, there's more to tell, but I'm being told by the hospital staff that I have to log off. You see, I have cornea surgery in an hour and the nurses insist my eyes get some rest before I am anesthetized. "What kind of anesthesia will be administered?" you ask. Why, the local kind.
If you weren't aware, local anesthesia for an eye operation = A Huge Needle In My Left Eye Four Times. Do I get two for flinching? Gee, I sure hope not. Hitting me on the arm while a needle is being inserted in my eye might cause irreversible damage to my sight, rendering me even less capable of fending off newer and graver threats which are sure to abound from Sara's Mordorian shenanigans. I'm sure she will have a plethora of fascinating non-facts to add to this account, as well as many examples of her trademark race baiting. So have fun plowing through that vasty field of lies.
Yet I urge you, don't just take what she says with a grain of salt. Take what she says with a metric supertonne of condensed industrial grade salt with g measurements extrapolated for Jovian gravity. Can't wait to see what horrible situation you sadists cannon ball me to next. Probably an Easily Offended Pride Bobybuilder Parade or maybe a tour of an invisible knife-throwers factory. Can't see how either of those could turn out poorly with Sara as my erstwhile companion for hire.
Thanks, science!
Yours, Sean
P.S. Oh, and this is for the IADS financial department...just so you know, $100 doesn't even cover one of the four injections I'll be getting pumped DIRECTLY into my open eye in a few minutes. And it certainly won't cover the financial costs of losing my apartment (Manny seemed upset by the newsaper article for some reason), the emotional cost of being excommunicated by the Spanish side of my family (Crespo is, ironically, Spanish. Who knew. Apparently, our salsa instructor did not.), nor will it cover the extensive legal fees I'mm already committed to paying my defense attorney for the upcoming defamation hearing I've been cordially invited to by Lopez, Lopez, and Smythe. They're "abogados at law," their letterhead says.
Part 1 of a story about some of the more humiliating jobs I've had, including being a guinea pig for a sleep deprivation study. Recorded at The Drink at Work Show in New York. City
Your search for "LUXURY APARTMENT LISTINGS" has produced this option: MANHATTAN EYE STOPPER!
In the heart of Manhattan, situated perfectly between the West Village and an unknown crater on what we think may be one of Jupiter's moons (possibly Ganymede), lies a unique apartment community that brings the best of New York right to your doorstep, which itself can be found on the roof. Great apartments, sun drenched (by star cluster NGC6940), and lots of very, very interesting stairs, not to mention all the hands drawing themselves you could ever want. And all at a location that's exactly where you want to be, as long as that location does not lie on an X-Y-Z axis point. So if you enjoy hallways that turn into ceilings, doorways which lead to balconies overlooking the underside of the stairs you took to get to that doorway, and hardwood floors... ...then this "relativistically" baroque, multidimensional non-Euclidian pre-war apartment could be for you.
Come home to the elegance of literally impossibly high ceilings, marble fireplaces, and a 6 bedroom appointment (two bedrooms are upside down, one sideways left, one sideways right, three right side up but which all share the same side of one door, and one which is, as the owner puts it, "outside of itself"). Utilities Included: Heat, Gas, Water, and Electric. Gravity is negotiable. And trash is picked up two days before you are to drop it off (Tuesday).
PREVIOUS OWNER'S NOTES:Constant Velocity is not guaranteed in orientation transferrance junctures, so, for example, walk slowly when moving from wall to stairs or vice versa. Also, water in this apartment tends to not take the shape of its container. Either the container or sometimes you will take the shape of it. Taking a bath is still preferable to attempting to shower however, since the water tends to arrive at inconvenient locations, like the Civil War era or black holes. Magnets don't work. AND BE WARNED! There are a lot of stairs. This is not a good apartment for the elderly or those with heart conditions or anyone uncomfortable arriving in a location underneath the thing they are on top of. The one thing you'll never need worry about is storage space. I have been using the same 4 X 6 ft closet to store everything for years now. And I mean "everything" as in "everything I own." I park my car in that closet. Over 60,000 books, a pony, and several heaths from some Scottish property are in there. My last apartment is also stored there. (I am renting that out as well to anyone willing to risk disappearing forever. Reasonably priced.)
Call ESCHER UNREALTY today to visit this location(s). Sick bags provided.
I am one of the writers/performers at DRINKATWORK.COM, a humor media collective here ion NYC. I am the head writere and co-headliner, along with Craig Baldo, of the increasingly silly, increasingly giddy Drink At Work Show (8 pm on Tuesdays at Rififi)
I am a classically trained actor (L.A.M.D.A.) as well as a comedian and comedy writer. I grew up playing ice hockey. I'm from Framingham, Mass. I make a lot of short films. I perform on college tours. I occasionally get cast in commercials and plays [more]
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