Senator John Kerry announced today that he will not attempt a campaign for president in 2008. The Massachusetts senator made a public statement that he felt his time would be better spent in the senate, working towards a resolution to the Iraq problem, and heading the new senate committee on his own impending irrelevance.

Workers across New York City were concerned today as a strange gas-like odor filled the air. A statement by the mayor's office attributed the odor to a gas leak in Chelsea, however, many anticipate an additonal statement by Donald Trump attributing it to Rosie O'Donnell.

Paris Hilton will no longer be associated with Club Paris nightclubs, according to the venues' owner, Fred Khalilian. The club name will now refer to the French capital instead of the One Night in Paris star, whom Khalilian described as having "created a circus for herself. It's all about, how has she screwed up now?" Khalilian went on to say "I regret seeing this change in her. I pine for the days when she was famous for her amazing philanthropic endevours and not her new image as an exhibitionist, spoiled, rich, slut."

In a 25-24 vote, Trent Lott has been selected as the new Senate Minority Leader. Lott is returning to GOP leadership after having been removed as Majority Leader four years ago for racially insensitive statements. As a representative of a minority, Lott says he is fully prepared to protest any future insensitive comments he may make.

Spokesmen for the caucus of Republican senators also issued a statement that by re-electing Lott, they are excited to send a message to the voters that they have learned absolutely nothing from the results of the recent midterm elections and are prepared to continue the course of action that has clearly worked out well for them and their party.

Sources from Paramount pictures have reportedly offered Brad Pitt a total of $39 Million to replace Tom Cruise in it's Mission Impossible franchise. Paramount severed it's relationship with Cruise last month. Viacom Cheif Sumner Redstone blamed the decision on the decline in box office for Cruise's films, which he claimed was a result of a declining public image based on the actor's personal life. This makes Brad Pitt a perfect choice to replace him, because his personal life has never been publicized in any way.

Columbus, OH - Local personality Rye Silverman has gone on record as saying that events at a recent wedding reception did not enhance his enjoyment of the evening. Silverman reports that while already feeling the intense stress brought on by being one of few "single" people at said event, the news that he was also starting to develop thinning hair on the back of his head could have been presented to him at a different time, preferably while he was not chatting up one of the single females, and preferably not being pointed out to him by his mother, also in attendance. Silverman's mother could not be reached in time to comment on this story.

Prosecutors abruptly dropped all charges against John Mark Karr in the slaying of JonBenet Ramsey. Charges were dropped both on account of a total lack of evidence and with alibi's provided by Karr's brother and ex-wife. Karr immediatley headed to the local watering hole, excited to use his new pickup line "You ever rape and murder a 6 year old girl? Me either, wanna screw?"

In an interview for Entertainment Weekly, Actress Winona Ryder addressed rumors of a sequel to one of her most remembered films, "Heathers." Ryder acknowledged that Christian Slater has agreed to make a cameo in the sequel. Ryder did not comment on whether his role was only a cameo due to his otherwise overwhelming schedule. A rep for the sequel's producers did suggest to Daily Comedy that negotiations had been tough between themselves and Slater's shift supervisor at Chipotle.

In addition, Ryder neither confirmed or denied the film's reported working title, "Heathers on a Plane."