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Ray Ellin
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Ray Ellin
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Kevin Costner, BP's Hero

By: Ray Ellin (C)
Submitted: Jun 26, 2010
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

BP

272 Jokes  1 Videos

Kevin Costner, BP's Hero

Apparently movie star Kevin Costner has a machine that seems to be the best solution for cleaning up BP's disaster in the gulf.

The great news is that Costner's pump is sucking harder than "Waterworld."

 


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Kevin Costner - Savior of the Gulf??

By: Ray Ellin (C)
Submitted: Jun 25, 2010
Category: Entertainment  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

BP

272 Jokes  1 Videos

Kevin Costner - Savior of the Gulf??

Apparently movie star Kevin Costner has a machine that seems to be the best solution for cleaning up the BP disaster in the gulf.

As a result, the Sioux nation has changed his name from "Dances with Wolves" to "Separates the Oil."


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Chely Wright, Country and Gay

By: Ray Ellin (C)
Submitted: May 3, 2010
Category: Entertainment  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Gay and Lesbian

677 Jokes  27 Videos

Chely Wright, Country and Gay


 

Country singer Chely Wright revealed this morning that she is gay, making her the first major country star to come out publicly.

Both non-country and country music fans across the nation responded with a collective "Who the hell is Chely Wright?"


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Free Money!

By: Ray Ellin (C)
Submitted: Apr 2, 2010
Category: News  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

SunTrust Bank

1 Jokes

Free Money!

An error by SunTrust Bank made a customer's account balance close to $89 BILLION dollars.

Before the error could be fixed, the customer purchased the bank.


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Tiger Woods' interview - complete with his inner thoughts

By: Ray Ellin (C)
Submitted: Mar 22, 2010
Category: Sports  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Tiger Woods

1088 Jokes  19 Videos

Tiger Woods' interview - complete with his inner thoughts

ESPN's Tom Rinaldi interviewed Tiger Woods on Sunday in Windermere, Fla. The interview was the first one granted by the world's No. 1-ranked golfer since his Nov. 27 car accident outside his home. The following is a transcript of that interview...

... with Ray Ellin's addition of Tiger's inner thoughts in red.

Rinaldi: What's the difference between the man who left Augusta national a year ago and the one who is about to return?

Woods: A lot has transpired in my life. A lot of ugly things have happened. Things that.....I've done some pretty bad things in my life. And uh, all came to a head.  Did I just say "head"?? Wow, am I an idiot. Here I am, doing my first interview since I got busted from nailing dozens of women all over the world, and I mention "head." I can not.stop.thinking.about it. I guess the treatment has not been as successful as I had hoped. Guess I'm goin' back to Hattiesburg in the morning.

Rinaldi: For a lot of people, the spark of those bad things is Nov. 27. Early that day, what happened?

Woods: Well, it's all in the police report. Beyond that, everything's between Elin and myself and that's private. Dude, did you not see ANY of the photos or tv footage?? Put two and two together. My wife saw some text messages from a skank and beat the crap out of me. Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned. Especially one with a 9 iron.

Rinaldi: Why did you lose control of the car?

Woods: As I said ... that's between Elin and myself. Lose control?? Dude, I sink 50 foot putts in wind and rain to win PGA championships. You think I actually lost control of my car going 2miles an hour?? I told you, my wife kicked my ass and the ass of my car.

Rinaldi: If it's a private matter, why issue a public apology?

Woods: Well, I owe a lot of people an apology. I hurt a lot of people. Not just my wife. My friends, my colleagues, the public, kids who looked up to me. There were a lot of people that thought I was a different person and my actions were not according to that. That's why I had to apologize. I was so sorry for what I had done. And of course I hope to get that Gatorade cash flowing again. Yeah, I'm rich - but money is money. And by the way, I'm not really apologizing to all the kids. Teenage boys now think I am THE MAN. A whole new level of respect.

Rinaldi: You've said you've made transgressions. How would you, in your own words, describe the depth of your infidelity?

Woods: Well, just one is, is enough. And obviously that wasn't the case, and I've made my mistakes. The depth of my infidelity? Bro, I made Bill Clinton look like Bill Gates.

Rinaldi: You said you were in treatment. The simple question is, for what?

Woods: That's a private matter as well. But I can tell you what, it was tough, it was really tough to look at yourself in a light that you never want to look at yourself, that's pretty brutal. That light was almost as bright as the light emanating from the blackberry I used to leave those stupid voicemails. Never leave voicemail when cheating on your wife.

Rinaldi: What'd you see?

Woods: I saw a person that I never thought I would ever become. And I saw an endless river of pussy, drying up right before my eyes.

Rinaldi: Who was that?

Woods: Well, I had gotten away from my core values as I said earlier. I'd gotten away from my Buddhism. And I quit meditating. Because Buddhism and meditation always erased my desire for three-ways with porn stars. A wonderful substitution.

Rinaldi: Why not seek treatment before all of this came out?

Woods: Well, I didn't know I was that bad. I didn't know that I was that bad. And I was too busy swimming in the river I mentioned earlier.

Rinaldi: How did you learn that? How did you learn it?

Woods: Stripping away denial, rationalization. You strip all that away and you find the truth. What is WRONG with me?? First I say "head," and now I'm bringing up "stripping." Bad Tiger bad.

Rinaldi: Given all that's happened, what's your measure of success at Augusta?

Woods: Well, playing is one thing. I'm excited to get back and play. I'm excited to get to see the guys again. I really miss a lot of my friends out there. I miss competing. But still, I still have a lot more treatment to do, and just because I'm playing, doesn't mean I'm gonna stop going to treatment. And I pray to Buddha that the Wilson triplets won't be hanging out at the clubhouse in Augusta. They are too damn hot and irresistible.

Rinaldi: What reception are you expecting from fans?

Woods: I don't know. I don't know. I'm a little nervous about that to be honest with you. Probably jeers from the ladies, some applause from the guys, and squeals from teenage boys.

Rinaldi: How much do you care?

Woods: It would be nice to hear a couple claps here and there. But also hope they clap for birdies, too. And speaking of clap, never got it. Not once. Not from the hookers, or even the sisters from Bangkok.

Rinaldi: Eleven months ago, here at Isleworth, I asked you, 'How well does the world know you?' What's your answer to that now?

Woods: A lot better now. I was living a life of a lie. I really was. And I was doing a lot of things, like I said, that hurt a lot of people. And stripping away denial and rationalization you start coming to the truth of who you really are and that can be very ugly. But then again, when you face it and you start conquering it and you start living up to it. The strength that I feel now, I've never felt that type of strength. Ah, who are we kidding! You know how strong and powerful you feel when you're getting oral on your private jet at 35,000 feet?? Or having an orgy on your yacht that's larger than most people's primary residence?? A hell of a lot stronger than the "strength" you feel from telling the world that, like many men, I.LOVE.TAIL.

Rinaldi: In the last four months, Tiger, what's been the low point?

Woods: I've had a lot of low points. Just when I didn't think it could get any lower, it got lower. Particularly when it was discovered that Theresa Rogers and Mindy Lawton were on the list. Alright, I admit it, it's like double-bogeying a par 6 at a community golf course. It's nasty. It happens.

Rinaldi: An example?

Woods: When I was in treatment, out of treatment, before I went in, there were so many different low points. People I had to talk and face like my wife, like my mom. Do you realize how creepy it is that my Mom knows all about this? Passover is going to be really awkward this year.

Rinaldi: What was that moment like, either one?

Woods: They both have been brutal. They've both been very tough. Because I hurt them the most. Those are the two people in my life who I'm closest to and to say the things that I've done, truthfully to them, is ... honestly ... was ... very painful. Speaking of pain, that Gloria Allred - vicious. Seriously, I gave those girls a good time. Bought them gifts. And they sick that evil lawyer on me? Ouch. 

Rinaldi: What was your wife's reaction when you sat down and had that first conversation?

Woods: She was hurt, she was hurt. Very hurt. Shocked. Angry. And, you know, she had every right to be and I'm as disappointed as everyone else in my own behavior because I can't believe I actually did that to the people I loved. What the fuck do you think her reaction was, jackass?? My suv used to have BULLET PROOF WINDOWS.

Rinaldi: I ask this question respectfully, but of course at a distance from your family life. When you look at it now, why did you get married?

Woods: Why? Because I loved her. I loved Elin with everything I have. And that's something that makes me feel even worse, that I did this to someone I loved that much. And that I was dumb enough to send text messages. Uuuuugh. Bad Tiger bad.

Rinaldi: How do you reconcile what you've done with that love?

Woods: We work at it. And we will tap into my Roth IRA.

 

 


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WNBA Victory

By: Ray Ellin (C)
Submitted: Sep 14, 2009
Category: Sports  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

WNBA

46 Jokes  2 Videos

WNBA Victory

The WNBA's New York Liberty won their final contest of the season, beating the Washington Mystics at Madison Square Garden 86-65.

The game marks the first time the Liberty scored more points than the number of fans in attendance.

 


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The Miracle Known as Kanye

By: Ray Ellin (C)
Submitted: Sep 14, 2009
Category: Blogs  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Kanye West

47 Jokes  6 Videos

The Miracle Known as Kanye

(Quips made right after Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech on MTV's video music awards)
 
Kanye West has won! Douche of the decade! Congrats!
 
I just re-watched that Kanye clip. Seriously, he is a complete piece of shit. I wish Beyonce had gone on stage, told him that Ray Ellin said that, and then congratulated Taylor Swift. I hope Al Sharpton comes out and speaks on Taylor's behalf.

(mid-show)

This just in - President Obama has offered to step in and make peace between Kanye West and Taylor Swift... over a glass of milk - -- (she's only 19)

This just in - Serena Williams cursed out Kanye West. (for those of you who watched the US Open).
Meanwhile, I don't even CARE about this crap... but I truly find the lack of social graces fascinating... let's all cheer the 'Love for Michael Jackson,' but... act like scumbags to your colleagues who are alive lol

(after Beyonce gave Taylor Swift her award speech time)

Beyonce. Well done! Actually would have paid to see Kanye run out AGAIN in the middle of Taylor Swift's second speech. 


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Fatt Damon

By: Ray Ellin (C)
Submitted: Aug 19, 2009
Category: Entertainment  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Matt Damon

13 Jokes  4 Videos

Fatt Damon

Matt Damon had to gain 30 pounds to play the part of  bipolar whistle-blower Mark Whitacre in the upcoming dark comedy "The Informant!," which is based on the 2000 book of the same name.

Next up, Damon will begin production of "The Bourne Obesity."

 


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Iranian Election

By: Ray Ellin (C)
Submitted: Jun 15, 2009
Category: Political  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

Iran

228 Jokes

Iranian Election

After President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was announced as victor of Iran's election, protesters hurled stones.

Including this man, who also happened to be the winner of Iran's annual "Throw like a girl while holding a briefcase" competition.

Photo: Olivier Laban-Mattei/Agence France-Presse — Getty Images


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Ray Ellin was thrown out of nursery school for biting the other kids. He is also a comic, television host, actor, writer and filmmaker.

After performing at his 6th grade graduation, Ray knew what he wanted to do with his life: comedy. By age fifteen, he began hitting the open mics at comedy clubs in Boston.

By 18, he was a fixture on the [more]

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