I did not write this.  I am just reprinting a favorite Net tale.

Exodus, starring the Three Stooges
 

             Chapter 1

          Israel Multiplies.
             Moses born;
       he befriends two Hebrews

1 And the Egyptians compelled the  sons of Israel to labor rigorously.

2 And the sons of Israel were fruitful, and increased greatly, and became ex-
ceedingly mighty.

3 So Pharaoh commanded his people to throw every newborn son into the
Nile.

4 And one day Pharaoh's daughter found a basket containing a child
among the reeds of the river.  And  she had pity on him and said, "This
is one of the Hebrews' children."

5 And she took the child, and raise him, and called him Moses.

6 And one day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his brethren and
looked on their hard labors.  And he   beheld two Hebrews fighting wih
each other, and he said to them: "Cut the rumpus or I'll moida the both of
yah!"

7 And the offender, a squat man with a high voice, said, "You don't scare
me!"  And he stuck out his tongue and said, "Nyaaaaa!"

8 And Moses grabbed his tongue, and he twisted it, and he pulled him
several yards by it.

9 And the other Hebrew - a man with a raspy voice and strange hair -
laughed mightily.  And Moses smote <him> on the head

10 Then Moses poked their eyes and knocked their heads together.

11 Now these are the names of the Hebrews whom Moses did befriend :

12 Curly, son of Asher and Prancer, brother of Punch and Judah, first
cousin to E. Gad, and distant  descendant of Ramses of Los Angeles.

13 Larry, son of Hirah and Hooray, Pokus, and cousin of Esau, Ecame,
and Econquered.

14 And both had come from the districts of Midian, Midian-rare,
and Midian-well.

             Chapter 2

         The Boining bush

1 Now Moses, Larry, and Curly set up  a business wherein they sold their
services for pasturing other Hebrew's flocks.

2 And one day when they were shearing sheep, when Curly by accident
sheared off some of Larry's hair, Larry grew angry, and lunged for him,
but Moses bade them stop, and smote them both on the head.

3 And Moses sat down, but upon the shears that Curly had left beneath
him, and Moses screamed, and he said, "Why, I'll break your heads!"  And he
chased them into the field.

4 And there the angel of the Lord appeared to them in a blazing fire from
the midst of a bush.

5 And Curly said, "Ooh, look!  A boining bush! Nyuk-nyuk!"

6 And Moses said, "Quiet, you lame-
brain!"  and smote him on the head.

7 And then them became frightened,
and turned to run, and the Lord saw,
and he called to them from the midst
of the bush, saying, "Hey, Moses!
Hey Larry!  Hey, Curly!"

8 And they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!"

9 And the Lord said, "Do not come
near here; remove your sandals from
your feet, for the place on which
you stand is holy ground."

10 And Larry said, "I'll say it is!
And look at all them rocks, too!"

11 And Curly laughed, and Moses
smote them on the head.

12 And the Lord said, "I have seen
the oppression of my people by the
Eqyptians.  Therefore, to bring the
sons of Israel out of Eqypt, I will
send ... you!"

13 And they were unsure as to who
"you" was.

14 And Moses looked at Larry, and
Larry looked at Curly, and Curly -
who saw he had no one to to look
at - trembled and clicked his teeth
loudly.

15 And Moses said, "Which `you' do
You mean?"

16 And the Lord said, "You!"

17 And Moses said, "I?"

18 And Larry said, "Aye!"

19 And Curly said, "Aye-aye!"  and
the three Hebrews began saluting each
other vigorously.

20 And the Lord said, "Cut it out!"
and they did, and He continued,
"Now go and gather the elders of
Israel together, and say to them,
`The Lord has appeared to us, saying
He will bring you out of Eqypt and
into the land of Cannan - a land
overflowing with sweets!'"

21 And Curly said, "Ooh!  A candy
Cannan!  Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"  And Moses
smote him in the stomach, and Curly
bent over and Moses smote him on
the head.

             Chapter 3

         Hebrews given powers.

1 And Larry said, "What if they don't
listen to us, or vicey-versey?"

2 And the Lord said, "They will.  Now,
hold out your left hand,"

3 And Larry said to Curly, "Which one
is my left hand?"  And Curly said,
"That one."  And Larry said, "So how
do I know which one is my right hand?"
and Curly said, "Why, that's easy!
The one that's left!  Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"

4 And Moses poked them both in the
eyes.

5 And the Lord said to Larry, "Now,
what is that in your hand?"

6 And Larry looked, and said, "Why,
nothin'."

7 And the Lord said, "Not that one,
you nitwit!  The other one!"

8 And Larry said, "Oh!" and looked
and said, "Why a staff!"  And the
Lord said, "Throw it on the ground."
And Larry threw it on the ground
and it bounced up and hit Moses on
the head and stuck in his nose.

9 And Moses pulled the staff from
his nose, and Larry said, "I didn't
mean it, Moses!  Honest, I didn't!"

10 And Moses said, "Of course you
didn't", and hit him on the head
with the staff.

11 And the staff became a serpent
and Moses said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah! and
dropped it and it slithered up Curly's
robe, and Curly said, "Wooo woo woo
woo woo woo!"  And he fell to the
ground and spun his body wildly in a
circle.

12 And Moses and Larry lifted him
and shook him and the staff fell to the ground.

13 And the Lord said, "This wonder
shall help you convince the sons of
Israel of the word of the Lord."

14 But Moses pleaded and said, "Please,
Your Majestic High-upness!  We ain't
never been eloquential.  Every time it
comes to woids, it's ixnay on the
voibage, if you know what I mean!"

15 Then the Lord became angry, and
said, "Who made man's mouth?  Who makes
him blind?  Who makes him deaf?  And,
indicating Curly, He said, "Who makes
him dumb?

16 "Is it not I, the Lord?!"

17 And they saw His anger and they
said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!"  And they bowed
down, bumping their heads together
loudly.

18 And the Lord said, "Go, then, and
perform this wonder before the sons
of Israel.  Then go to Pharaoh, and
say, 'Let my people go, so they may
soive - I mean serve - Me!"

19 So Moses, Larry, and Curly assembled
all the elders and the sons of Israel,
and in their sight the staff became a
serpent, and crawled up Curly's robe,
and he danced wildly.

2

• Speaking to a driving instructor in Scotland, he asked: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"
• After accepting a gift from a Kenyan citizen he replied, "You are a woman, aren't you?"
• "If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." (1986)
• In 1966 he remarked that "British women can't cook." 
• To a British student in Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get eaten then?"
• On a visit to the new Welsh Assembly in Cardiff, he told a group of deaf children standing next to a Jamaican steel drum band, "Deaf? No wonder you are deaf standing so close to that racket."
• He asked an Indigenous Australian, "Still throwing spears?"
  
• Said to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary, "You can't have been here that long – you haven't got a pot belly."
  
• To the President of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional African robes, "You look like you're ready for bed!"
  
• To Lord Taylor of Warwick, who is black: "And what exotic part of the world do you come from?" Lord Taylor: "I'm from Birmingham."
  
• Seeing a shoddily installed fuse box in a high-tech Edinburgh factory, HRH remarked that it looked "like it was put in by an Indian".
• During a Royal visit to China in 1986 he described Beijing as "ghastly".
• "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" (in 1994, to an islander in the Cayman Islands).
• At Salford University, he told a 13 year old aspiring astronaut: "Well, you'll never fly in it, you're too fat."
  

Today I brought a frozen eggplant parmigiana (grilled, not fried) to the office for lunch.  This was the first time I brought such a meal – normally I do the sandwich route, but today I wanted something different.

Oh, I got something different.  You know when it says on food packages that microwave settings vary?  At home, I put the eggplant parmigiana in the microwave for 13 minutes and it comes out perfect.  Well, the microwave in my office seems to have been assembled at Los Alamos – I put it up for 13 minutes and the damn thing incinerated my lunch.  All of the cheese evaporated, the tomato sauce hardened into lava and only a few strips of eggplant remained unscathed.

Needless to say, I am both angry and hungry.  Though at the moment, the hunger is stronger than the anger.  And I have another five hours to go before dinnertime!

But on the other hand...I need to shed a few pounds.  Maybe this smaller meal is a blessing in microwaved disguise?

 Today, October 12, is my birthday.  It is also my least favorite day of the year.

This is not because I am getting older – I actually prefer the maturing process, as I feel far more comfortable with myself with each passing year (I am passing into year #42).  The problem actually stems from a stretch of time when it appeared that nearly all of my friends forgot or ignored my birthday.  I wouldn’t make a big deal of that, except that I never forgot to send best wishes for any of my friends’ birthdays (or their wedding anniversaries, or year-end holiday greetings).  I’m not making myself seem clever – all it required was writing the dates on a calendar and looking at the calendar every once in a while to determine what was on the horizon in terms of activities and events.

So being in a situation where I was sending birthday/anniversary/holiday cards and getting nothing back in return became rather depressing.  This was especially acute on my birthday, since it is the one day of the year where I would be feted just for staying alive.  With each passing year and each lack of recognition, I began to hate my birthday more and more.  In retrospect, it appeared that my distress was misplaced – why am I blaming myself and denigrating my birthday?

Perhaps the final straw came last year when my friend Jason (who was mentioned earlier in a posting about his zany driving) promised to take me out for my birthday.  I have to admit I had a child-like glee over that, since it had been many years before anyone ever bothered to make such an offer.  As luck would have it, he never showed up.  I was left waiting for 90 minutes at my home, calling him a few times to find out where he was.  I eventually got in touch with him, and he claimed he was traveling all day and wasbe too tired to keep his invitation.  He promised a rain check, but never delivered on that promise.  I discovered later he had been evicted earlier that morning – I could’ve accepted that as an excuse (hey, that is a bit more important to him in the ultimate scheme of things), but ultimately it ruptured our friendship and I never could truly forgive him.  We are no longer in touch.

Thus, my birthday has that odd residue to it.  Maybe someday I can recapture its value.  I think I am starting on that: I eventually jettisoned everyone who never quite thought it was worth the bother to take 60 seconds and send word (even in an e-mail) to say “Happy Birthday, Phil!”  Which, I guess, is the best birthday present I could give myself.

"SAN DIEGO (AP) -- Five people trying to sneak into the United States from Mexico became trapped in a narrow tunnel and had to be rescued Tuesday after the largest of them, a nearly 200-pound man, got stuck trying to climb out through a storm drain, authorities said.

Firefighters used jackhammers at the city's border with Tijuana to widen the opening and free the man, who had become stuck at the hips, said James Jacques, a spokesman for U.S. Customs and Border Protection. Then they pulled out the four others who had become trapped behind him in the drainage tunnel."

 It’s 1984 and I am walking up Fifth Avenue in New York one summer afternoon when I am stopped by a police barricade at 51st Street.  No one is allowed to cross over, and on both sides of the barricaded streets there are crowds of pedestrians.

“What’s going on?” I asked a bystander.

“The Vice President is coming by to give a speech,” I was told by the bystander, who pointed in the direction of a building opposite from us.

For those who don’t recall, the Vice President in 1984 was George H.W. Bush, who was elected President in 1988.  We won’t talk about his offspring here.

While I was not a fan of the older Bush, the idea of actually seeing him in person was rather exciting.  After all, it is not every day that you walk up the street and view the Vice President.  

As I was waiting for the Bush motorcade to arrive, I heard a telephone ring.  These were the days before cell phones, so a ringing telephone usually meant a street payphone was making the noise.  Sure enough, I was standing next to a payphone.  Since no one was taking the call, I picked up the receiver.

“Hey, is this the bakery?” said a gruff man’s voice from the receiver.

“No, this is a payphone,” I said.  “You have the wrong number.”

Suddenly, there was a huge cheer from both sides of the street.  Being I was ducked half-into the phone booth, I couldn’t see the inspiration of the cheering (Vice President Bush, whose motorcade came to a screeching halt before its destination).  However, the noise clearly aroused the curiosity of the wrong number caller.  “Hey, what’s that noise there?” he asked.

“The Vice President just pulled up on the street,” I replied.  

“Bush?” the caller said.  “Tell him to go suck my dick!”  And then he promptly hung up in my ear.

As I ducked out of the phone booth, all I could see of the Vice President was his hand from the doorway of his destination.  He waved a wacky-happy display of fingers and then disappeared into the building.

My disappointment in the moment was twofold: I never got to see the Vice President as a whole (just his hand), nor did I get to deliver the message that the caller asked me to share. Oh well....

Now here is a situation that only arises in the course of hypothetical debate: which is more appetizing, a lousy meal or lousy sex?  Having recently been deep in the midst of both, I would err on the side of the lousy meal.

The lousy meal is the ultimate disappointment for the inner glutton – a long-desired session with Mr. Knife and Ms. Fork becomes an assault on the olfactory passages and/or the taste buds.  The frustration becomes universal, since your dining partner and the person who prepared the meal are dragged into the sour mood created by your unhappiness.  But, of course, it doesn’t always have to be that way – a healthy variety of sterling lies can be tapped to negate the toxicity of the situation (“I guess I wasn’t that hungry,” “I’m too upset to eat,” “I’m still full from lunch,” etc.).  A doggy bag request can help wrap up the problematic meal for burial at a later date and distant location while a digestible alternative is sought out to fill the hunger void.

But those lovely excuses cannot be reconfigured when it comes to excusing oneself from lousy sex.  Honestly, what are you going to tell your horizontal playmate: “I guess I wasn’t that horny,” “I’m too upset to fuck,” “I’m still full from lunch,” etc.?  And you can’t really push away an unsatisfactory naked lover the same way you push away a poorly cooked plate of meat loaf.  Furthermore, one can easily replace an unsatisfactory meal with something more palatable – but works in the kitchen usually doesn’t work in the bedroom.

In the ideal world, every meal is gourmet-worthy and every lover is equally tasty.  But when quality is on an extended vacation, I’ll take a lousy meal to go.