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Registered on: 08/08/06
Location:
URL: http://www.dailycomedy.com/u/MarshallDungan
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Biography:
Any real art is about a message. My message is "I'm not getting laid enough, and that should bother you."
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Page Views: 69
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Jokes: 8
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Videos: 0
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Comments: 0
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Fans: 0
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As I sit here at my computer, I have Dane Cook’s special, “Vicious Circle”, playing in the background. This is dangerous, because Dane Cook’s shittiness can really fuck with my writing. Anyway, I’d like to take this time to illustrate how much I hate the man known as Dane Cook, why I hate the man known as Dane Cook, and the demon who lives inside Dane Cook that is part of a systematic army of demon rectums that are destroying everything cool and great in the world.
*mutes the TV*
Yeah, let’s fuck that noise. As you all know from the preceding paragraph, I hate Dane Cook. Why is this? Why do I hate this man? I’ve never met him. He’s a decent-looking fellow. He’s never done anything to harm me. Or has he? Let me explain something for you. Since my early days of childhood, when I would camp out in front of a TV, waiting to hear a comedian say “damn” or “ass” (when you’re a kid, even the weakest swears are like forbidden fruit for your ears). From that moment, I began my life-long love-affair with Stand-up Comedy. It’s a passion that I’ve gone so far as to pursue as a hobby and, maybe one-day, a career. And because of that, I have tried my best to hone my tastes, to really become knowledgeable about what makes a good comedian. In short, it’s something I think about a lot. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time looking for good Stand-ups, and try to follow them and support them whenever I can (case in point: Patton Oswalt performs at the 40 Watt club in Athens, GA, Oct 26th).
And then there’s people like Dane Cook. The Mainstream Wonder. EVERYONE knows this guy. Even back when he’d just done his Comedy Central Presents, there were kids at my school who loved the guy. But only 2 or 3, and only one or two jokes. But soon enough, he’d exploded. I remember a Comedy Central poll where he was named the best stand-up among 30 or so who had been on the channel. “Whatever,” I thought. “Some people like apples, some like oranges.” And the problem subsided for a year or so. And then, the summer of 2005, it happened. Retaliation was released on CD/DVD. And it shot up the Billboard charts, doing something a Comedy album hadn’t done since Steve Martin.
And thus, the pain resurfaced, stronger than ever. And like any true Evil, it was seductive. I admit, I downloaded (illegally) “Retaliation” from Limewire. I listened to it. And I laughed. For about a week, I enjoyed Dane Cook.
Then, the week ended.
I headed off to College, and just like Napoleon Dynamite and Family Guy before it, Dane Cook had become omnipresent on campuses nationwide. With that, he had taken control of what Stand-Up Comedy was in America. Suddenly he was being quoted by anyone and everyone, day in, day out.
So what’s so wrong with that? Here’s your answer:
Dane Cook is not funny.
There are a few standard things that make Dane Cook not funny, and I’ve tried to make them as objective as possible, if only so I don’t have to hear “it’s a matter of taste” from people who feel scorned by my bashing of The Mainstream Wonder. It is a matter of taste, and Dane Cook has none. And here’s why: First off, his jokes are very easy. Let me unmute my TV to pull one out and examine it for you. Dane was just describing how he makes out with a woman, something that he is sure to do after a show, as the ladies think he’s such a piece of ass. In that joke, it’s essentially him going through the motions of kissing that any of us do, describing every inane detail, and over-exaggerating it to the point of insipidness. Now, this is indeed, a matter of taste, but the key thing here is, it’s an easy joke to tell. Give a comedian the subject of kissing, and the most common topic would invariably be a description of how that comedian kisses. It’s just easy. There is nail one: Unimaginative Joke-telling.
Next is his supposed “edginess”. Whenever a comedian is described as edgy, you have to immediately examine the material more closely. The reason is that no one can really define what being “edgy” is. At least, not in the Mainstream. People think Dane Cook is edgy because he exhibits a high level of energy in his delivery. He jumps around, he kicks stools, he throws his mic (simple sidenote: as a house manager at a theater, I know for a fact few things piss off house managers more than damaging equipment in a joke. A comedian might think it’s cool to drop the mic after a successful set, but in reality it is damaging a wireless Shure Vox mic that costs a few hundred bucks. And that makes you a douche), and he jumps around the stage, in order to drive home whatever punchline or setup he’s talking about this second. And that doesn’t make you edgy. There’s nothing dangerous about that. More than anything, it just spells out the joke for the audience, relieving them of any effort expenditure thinking about the joke. Serious edge there, Dane.
Third, and this is really more of a theory, is that I think he’s a hypocrite. Dangerous words, I know, but on more than one occasion, he’s spoken about how much he loves his fans and how they’ve made him who he is today. And that’s a great thing to say, and more importantly, it’s true. The fans do play a key role in success. But if you ask me, I don’t think he actually believes it. He spends hours signing autographs, and even more than that taking pictures and meeting the crowds. Sounds like a gracious guy. But when you think about it, signing autographs is basically a line of people who tell you how great you are. Taking pictures is a thousand chances to get your face out to more and more people. What I’m saying is, I think he gets a lot more out of it than the fans do. Then, if you listen to Retaliation, at the end, there is a heckler, who we don’t really hear, that Dane “viciously” reproaches and threatens to kick out of the venue. Within seconds, he goes from happy-go-lucky clown to angry, bitter, and verbally violent. Now, editing does happen on comedy albums (along with “sweetening”, that magical process of adding laughs), so it may be that the situation had been escalating throughout the entire show that was edited out, but if that was the case, why not just edit out that part as well? And furthermore, comedians are about being funny. And most of them have been working clubs full of drunk people long enough that they are incredibly adept at destroying a heckler, and making that just as funny as any part of the show. So, I think what I’m saying re: the Heckler on Retaliation is, either Dane Cook is duplicitous and doesn’t like this fans that much that he’ll angrily lash out at them, or he’s not a good enough comedian to be funny about it. Take your pick. Honestly though, doesn’t something about the guy just look like he’s lying to you? Like that guy in High School who everyone thought was cool, and would even talk to the lame kids—sure, he would say “hey” to the nerds, but it was in that insincere “what’s up” as they pass in the hallway. Maybe the analogy is too stretched. Or maybe I suck at describing it. Either way, I personally feel that the dude probably goes home and can’t wait to wash the thousands of fans off of him.
The fourth reason he’s not funny is very, very simple, and nigh-impossible to argue: He’s a joke thief. As in, the material he’s used on his albums was TAKEN FROM A BETTER AND LESSER KNOWN COMEDIAN. To me, this is almost unforgivable in comedy. Who you are and what you say up on that stage is your entire art, and to steal from someone else is the lowest of the low. I am wholly enamored with comedians like Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Brian Regan, and others, and quote their material very often among my friends. But I DO NOT and I WILL NOT ever perform that onstage. But Dane Cook has, and often as well. Several of Dane’s bits are retreads of Louis CK jokes that he’s done in the past. I love Louis CK, and that’s just disgraceful. Dane’s first joke on the second disc of the album is stolen (Itchy As
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The great thing about going to an art school is that I go to a school that is populated almost exclusively with the "Token Anime Chick". About 8 thousand students, every girl is the Token Anime Chick. Which is hilarious, because back wherever they came from, they were the only anime chick. Thus, they had the pick of the litter when it came to acne-scarred losers who can't wait to get their hands on an Original, NOT dubbed, copy of Neon Genesis Evangelion. Now, they go to a school overflowing with girls who wear socks on their arms, ninja belts, and armbands with Sailor Moon characters on them. In their hometown, they became the anime chick to be different from the girls who were all about being pretty and that bullshit. And now that they are in a place where they can truly be themselves, without any of the judgment of their high school contemporaries, they are exactly the same as everyone else. And so now, you have an even more dedicated level of "Holy Shit that chick likes anime" Anime Chicks, who have to amp it up higher just to set them apart from the Token Anime Chicks. It's all very interesting.
Say it with me, folks: "Uniqueness is common."
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This idea has been tossed around, and though there are those who would probably debate it, I think it's pretty ingenious: Make it so that every law has a time limit. Let's say, 5 years. If the laws against murder, rape, and theft were continually in danger of ineffectuality, then lawmakers would be much more attentive to the really important laws, and we wouldn't get these "Okay, it's fine to have a gun, just not a little one that you can tuck in your pants, at least, not for a few years, then it's okay, but just don't kill anyone with it, well, you can, just make sure that they were trying to kill you, but if they weren't, just make sure you weren't in your right mind, well, even if you were, just show us that you didn't mean to until right when it happened, and you'll only go to jail for a few years, that is, unless you're really well-behaved, then you can get out in half the time, just make sure you check in with your Parole Officer, but if you don't, just make sure you don't commit any more crimes. You don't have a gun, do you?" laws.
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Everyone has to look back on their lives every now and then. You know, take stock of things. So, after many days worth of soul-searching, playing pong, and running down a slip-n-slide running on a homemade circulation system of Peach Schnapps, I thought about who I am and where it is I’ve been.
It’s an interesting time, being introspective. It’s like watching a reality tv show, only you don’t have to worry about blurring out nudity. And the cops have a smaller role. Several events got special attention, especially because of the lessons learned from them, most notably the time when I was 3 and I had my first sexual experience with Megan, the daughter of the woman who babysitted me at the time. 3 years old and third base is a beautiful thing. Kinda makes me want to call her.
I decided, after the 4th day when the slip and slide tore because I rode it in football pads and a beer helmet, that I should share these moments with my audience (all 3 of you).
So, in honor of my 19th birthday, I’ve decided to share for all some excerpts from my upcoming autobiography, Clever Titles Make Me Gassy:
CHAPTER 2:
“Christina was the loveliest tomboy in Kindergarten, as far as I was concerned. She had long blonde hair, a Salvation Army “Rainbow Bright” T-shirt, and a devil-may-care attitude that caused her to win my heart, as well as kick me in the groin several times over a 3 week period.”
CHAPTER 5:
“No one ever pulls you aside and tells you how to deal with a bully. That first confrontation, everything is hyper-real. My heart was pounding, my arms were heavy, my legs felt like jell-o, and I’m quite sure that I was about to bite through my own lips. The bully, Tavis was his name, punched me in the stomach. In retrospect, it was more mercy than Christina had showed me. But the humiliation of everyone seeing me gasp for air planted a seed in me. Sure, the whole school didn’t see it, but every time Tavis walked to class, we’d exchange glances until he couldn’t turn his head, on account of the spinal headgear he now had to wear. I didn’t intend to hit him directly in his 6th vertebrae with a soap on a rope in the bathroom, but I never got punched in the stomach again.”
CHAPTER 12:
“I wasn’t used to the idea of a teacher not liking me. Up to that point, I was often accused of being a teacher’s pet. But Mrs. Thomas hated me. I never could pinpoint the first incident of her hatred, but I’ve always thought it might be the day I showed up to class wearing a Snoop Dogg concert tee from his 1997 tour. In any event, it probably didn’t help things that I’d slashed her tires—but in my defense, I didn’t know that she was 8 and a half months pregnant at the time. I always thought she was just fat.”
CHAPTER 15:
“Rat-tail haircuts never stopped scaring me after that point.”
CHAPTER 17:
“My breath was hot. Here I was, a boy of only 15. My palms were sweaty, as was the rest of me, really. I’d never been held after class before. My parents always expected me home promptly at 4:30. But Ms. Skinner wasn’t that kind of teacher. There I was, alone in the room, with thousands of thoughts running through my head. On the chalkboard, the next day’s assignments were written out. On a normal day, I’d have been pleased to know what we were working on the next day. But now I could only think about my fate. Outside the room, in the hallway, I could hear students making their way for the bus. Every few minutes, one would walk by and I’d catch their eye just before they kept moving. Ms. Skinner walked back in. I was so worried I’d be in trouble. My heart was racing. I found out two things that day: that I hadn’t gotten a bad grade on my quiz, and how to feel the difference between natural and silicone breasts.”
CHAPTER 25:
“Sure, most people smoke weed when they get to college. But on top of a rollercoaster? I was NOT prepared for that.”
CHAPTER 30:
“As I wrote my autobiography, I found it harder and harder to type. Looking back, it could have been because of my lack of sleep, or the fact that my heart rate was 215 beats per minute on account of the speed I’d been doing. No matter what the reason, I was faced with the reality that I had broken the laws of space and time, and had no exit strategy whatsoever.”
Marshall Dungan’s CLEVER TITLES MAKE ME GASSY will hit bookstores July 27th. Pre-Order on Amazon.com now!
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(ma, and then nure)
Here are two words that should NEVER be uttered on a first date: "Irritable" and "Bowel".
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(and it feels so good)
"Don't smile so much. It causes wrinkles and everyone knows about your crabs."
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(friendly neighborhood asshole)
"When it comes to women, don't be yourself. Think of it this way: You've been being yourself, and how often have you gotten laid? Yeah, time to try being someone else."
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(from apathy to zealots)
"Is it sad that my life up to this point can be defined by ZZ Top's 'Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades'?"
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(sad but true)
"Being unable to get laid is a great deterrent in unwanted pregnancies. Works 100% better than condoms."
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(waaaaaaaaa)
"Film majors only have to work about 35% as hard as other majors for the first few years of their college career. And of that 35%, 90% of it is done the last two weeks of school. Even so, I'll still be complaining as though I've been shot in the neck for the next 3 days."
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(and here's where I lose people)
"I feel like I should send a Thank You card to this girl on my Facebook, for all the good times I've had masturbating to her beach photos."
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(with a bullet)
"The next person to say something about my Mac is getting kicked through the motherfuckin' window."
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(damnation) "Remember when you were young? Yeah, those were good times. Now stop living the past and grow the fuck up." "Losers always whine about their best. Then they are forced to extinction because evolution favors winners." THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(makin' moves)
"A bunch of crackheads fuck up their lives.
You just saw Requiem for a Dream." THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(parentheticals rock!)
"If evolution is really true, then within the next 100 years, Horses should have built-in horseshoes."
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(pissed off and ready to play)
“People who wear popped collars are dead to me.”
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(and still champeen)
"Procrastination is the acknowledgement of your own personal nature, and is a healthy step in realizing your full lack of potential."
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(gotta love it)
"Oklahomans can't be trusted."
THE WORLD'S MOST CURMUDGEONLY CURMUDGEON
(and it feels so good)
"Tripping is fun. And more importantly, it isn't considered assault in a court of law. And even more importantly, it's funny as shit."
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