KUALA LUMPUR, Jan 26 (Reuters Life!) - Guard dogs protecting a fruit orchard in Malaysia have met their match -- a 7.1-metre-long (23-ft-long) python that swallowed at least 11 hounds before it was finally discovered by villagers.

"You bitches are lucky I'm full!"

The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, died Dec. 25th of congestive heart failure. However his corpse is still scheduled to tour.

12.28.06   Apollo Theatre            New York, NY

12.30.06   James Brown Theatre     Augusta, GA

Valentin Keller enlisted in an all-German unit of the Union Army in Hamilton, Ohio, in 1862. He died at age 41 of “dropsy,” which probably meant that he had congestive heart failure, a condition not associated with his time in the Army. His 39-year-old wife, Otilia, died a month before him of what her death certificate said was “lumpy booby.”

EL MONTE, California (AP) -- An elderly man drove a car onto a patio at a Starbucks on Friday night, injuring 10 people, two of them critically, authorities said. Police struggled to get details from the driver, who spoke only Japanese. When a translator finally arrived on the scene he confirmed what the police suspected all along. "He says what happened was, he's old....and he's asian..."

When you think of a group that has a dating edge, single parents probably don’t leap to mind. After all, unmarried moms and dads have to line up babysitting just to go on a date! While married ones can simply ask their spouse to watch the children while they go on a date.

President Bush turned 60 Thursday, and at the press conference was a surprise ending when a reporter noted to Bush that it was his birthday, too. Bush invited the reporter, 54-year-old Raghubir Goyal of the India Globe and Asia Today, onto the stage for a birthday picture. Replied Goyal  "Heh Thanks but I'd really rather-- I mean my hair is all.....fine..."

Wal-Mart has transformed small towns across America, but perhaps none more so than Bentonville, where the migration of executives from major cities like New York, Boston and Atlanta has turned this former backwater into a teeming mini- metropolis populated by Hindus and Jews.

And with their arrival came the term Wal-Mart Jews, a term not embraced by the Jewish population. Having a cheap connotation, they feel that it will only add to an already prominent stereotype. "I don't like the term, but it could be worse." Says one Transfer. "We could've been the Target Muslims."

Little Junior Buffet

Sat on his tuffet

While his dad made all the pay

And when it came time to retire

Warren gave away Berkshire

And Junior cried and cried and wailed and sobbed and threw a book across the room almost hitting his wife and then went out for a drink which turned into a few bottles and drove home wrecklessly in the middle of the night because what did it all matter anyway, but went on record saying how proud he was of his father

All the day.

The gay pride parade took place in New York City yesterday as thousands of people cheered in support of their colleagues, friends, and family members, who at one time in their lives may have felt isolated and ashamed because of their orientations. "The parade is a day for acceptance and awareness for all walks of life." Says one scantily clad Marcher. "Men who love men, women who love women. Women who like to dress like men, men who like to dress like Cher. Whatever your orientation, we're here to say 'Hey, its ok by me.'" At which point, the pedofiles began their march, making hypocrites out of everyone.