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"I'm not kidding. About anything. Ever."
Registered on: 12/19/06
Location:
Parkway Exit 168, NJ
URL: http://www.dailycomedy.com/u/LauraWeinberg
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Biography:
I take laughter very seriously. My other main interest is sleep, which takes most of my free time.
I'm writing to make myself laugh, retired after years as Dilbert the Memo Writer. I am the only Gen Xer I know living on a pension and social security. Nice work if you can get it. I like yoga because it uses poses and and a language (Sanskrit) that are a thousand years old, and parts of my body that haven't been used for about that long.
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Page Views: 584
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Jokes: 48
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Videos: 0
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Comments: 0
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Fans: 2
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 It's official. Thanks to widescreen TVs, home cinemas, mp3 players, laptops, video cellphones, and the cable, ITunes, and TiVo to fuel them all, Americans now spend more than we earn. The last time we Americans spent more than we earned was during the Great Depression. Maybe like us, those old folks were just having fun.
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 Touchstone Pictures has announced a new epic from Mel Gibson, Madder Max, an apocalyptic tale of flood and end of times. As the banks of rivers overflow and sweep across the landscape, a lone shrimp fisherman and sooped-up speedboat collects floating people and treasures. Max rescues men, women and children in a landscape of floating trees and submerged houses. After the premier, Mr. Gibson declined comment, saying the film speaks for itself and that he was too drunk to add to it.
New Orleans Mayor Roy Nagin is protesting that only white people were saved in the film. Standing atop unfixed levies around New Orleans, he shouted to news cameras, "Save the Levees, Save the World."
In a bizarre twist, the director of Waterworld, Kevin Kostner, whose film had been called a mistaken Mad Max on waterskis, is contemplating a plagiarism lawsuit. Kostner commented, "That damn Aussie thinks he can get away with anything."
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 John Edwards, the medium not the presidential hopeful, has embedded in a Special Forces Unit seeking Osama Bin Laden in the mountains of Pakistan and Afghanistan. Edwards is best known for television programs such as "Crossing Over," in which dead people appear to him. He has said that they are present and by talking to their loved ones, he helps the entire family to let them go. Said Edwards, "The Arab world is uncharted territory, a whole new audience for me. Osama's not dead, but I'd like to help him cross over. "
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 A man referred to in court documents as John Doe born in Saudi Arabia was deported to an unknown location for alleged funding of terrorism. The family of NYC comic Steven Abdullah, missing for a week, claims he is John Doe. Abdullah occasional hawked his own T-shirts in downtown New York City, sporting slogans including: "If you "heart" open space, thank Osama," "This shirt paid for a soldier's flack jacket," and "Bush: A day late and 100 Billion dollars short." His brother Sam said of Steven: "He has a great sense of humor and cares about America. But the FBI can't take a joke."
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 In Berkeley, CA last month, eight masked members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Dinosaurs PETD stole racks of fake fur coats made from synthetic derivatives of oil products from a Banana Republic store. Local law enforcement has so far failed to produce an arrest in the case, despite store video and audio recordings of the heist. On the tape, PETD chants of "Respect the Dinosaurs," "Oil for Cars," and "Pimp, Your Coat is My Ride" can be clearly heard.
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 Celebrity blonde, Anna Nicole Smith, was found dead in her Miami hotel room. Apparently the combination of Trimpspa, vodka, and trinitrotuolene (TNT) she imported from the Bahamas was dangerous. Who knew? Her mother, Virgie Hart, appeared on Good Morning America saying, "She took the bombshell thing too seriously." The hotel summoned a bomb squad to collect whatever pieces of her were left after the press had blown through.
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 After years of simulating life, the computer software simulated “The Sims” community has announced the death of several members and put up a grave stone for them.
The move was a first for the otherwise private computer game community. Said Jonah Sims, "We get mixed up with Molly Sims from MTV and the Simpsons all the time. By coming forward in reality, we hope to build our own identity."
Waukesha, Wisconsin offered the grave site, in historic Peace Valley Cemetery along the Fox River, to the Sims free of charge. Said Waukesha Mayor Todd Jefferson, "By building a bridge with the Sims, we begin to breakdown decades of discrimination against holograms."
"And now our town has some really cool Sim postcards, " he added.
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 Recent cargo from Sweden tested radioactive in a random screening, leading to Sweden's placement on the list of countries from which nuclear material is known to have been smuggled into the country.
The radioactive cargo, labeled "INTRUDA Snuggla," was children beds apparently made from radioactive Russian wood. Homeland Security Director of Port Security, George Pfiffenwhip, commented, "The manufacturer explained that the wood was bought cheaply from sources near the damaged nuclear power plant in Chernobyl." He did not turn the cargo away and reasoned, "The only dirty bomb coming from a Snuggla will be the one a toddler deposits during toilet training."
INTRUDA furniture spokesperson Sven Skondgesser, noted that children love beds that glow in the dark. He emailed a photo of bins at checkout containing ThyroShield, a protective agent against thryoid cancer (associated with radiation exposure), adding, “We care about our customers.”
Rose Petersen, while buying a Snuggla in Minneapolis, said, "I know about the wood. Well, at least it's not rainforest. It's a good price, and kids grow so fast, don't they."
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 German scientists have applied for a patent in the United States on a substance distilled from rats killed instantly while in the act of mating. The substance, dubbed "feral attraction" by scientists at the latest Conference on Hormonal Research, is not noticeable as a scent to humans. But the male scientists, who have worked on the project were each married when the project began three years ago, have since left their families and moved in together. When contacted at home, they declared themselves life partners. Said Dr. Hermann Schlussel, "Doktor Weiss ist die bestest von dem alle. McDreamy."
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 In the 4th quarter of the SuperBowl, as the Colts led by 12 points, the Chicago Bears converted. Too bad their conversion didn't involve ballplay.
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