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Laura Weinberg "I'm not kidding. About anything. Ever."
Shoppers Heaven, NJ
     
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It's official. Thanks to widescreen TVs, home cinemas, mp3 players, laptops, video cellphones, and the cable, ITunes, and TiVo to fuel them all, Americans now spend more than we earn. The last time we Americans spent more than we earned was during the Great Depression. Maybe like us, those old folks were just having fun.
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Touchstone Pictures has announced a new epic from Mel Gibson, Madder Max, an apocalyptic tale of flood and end of times. As the banks of rivers overflow and sweep across the landscape, a lone shrimp fisherman and sooped-up speedboat collects floating people and treasures. Max rescues men, women and children in a landscape of floating trees and submerged houses. After the premier, Mr. Gibson declined comment, saying the film speaks for itself and that he was too drunk to add to it.
New Orleans Mayor Roy Nagin is protesting that only white people were saved in the film. Standing atop unfixed levies around New Orleans, he shouted to news cameras, "Save the Levees, Save the World."
In a bizarre twist, the director of Waterworld, Kevin Kostner, whose film had been called a mistaken Mad Max on waterskis, is contemplating a plagiarism lawsuit. Kostner commented, "That damn Aussie thinks he can get away with anything."
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John Edwards, the medium not the presidential hopeful, has embedded in a Special Forces Unit seeking Osama Bin Laden in the mountains of Pakistan and Afghanistan. Edwards is best known for television programs such as "Crossing Over," in which dead people appear to him. He has said that they are present and by talking to their loved ones, he helps the entire family to let them go. Said Edwards, "The Arab world is uncharted territory, a whole new audience for me. Osama's not dead, but I'd like to help him cross over. "
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A man referred to in court documents as John Doe born in Saudi Arabia was deported to an unknown location for alleged funding of terrorism. The family of NYC comic Steven Abdullah, missing for a week, claims he is John Doe. Abdullah occasional hawked his own T-shirts in downtown New York City, sporting slogans including: "If you "heart" open space, thank Osama," "This shirt paid for a soldier's flack jacket," and "Bush: A day late and 100 Billion dollars short." His brother Sam said of Steven: "He has a great sense of humor and cares about America. But the FBI can't take a joke."
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In Berkeley, CA last month, eight masked members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Dinosaurs PETD stole racks of fake fur coats made from synthetic derivatives of oil products from a Banana Republic store. Local law enforcement has so far failed to produce an arrest in the case, despite store video and audio recordings of the heist. On the tape, PETD chants of "Respect the Dinosaurs," "Oil for Cars," and "Pimp, Your Coat is My Ride" can be clearly heard.
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Celebrity blonde, Anna Nicole Smith, was found dead in her Miami hotel room. Apparently the combination of Trimpspa, vodka, and trinitrotuolene (TNT) she imported from the Bahamas was dangerous. Who knew? Her mother, Virgie Hart, appeared on Good Morning America saying, "She took the bombshell thing too seriously." The hotel summoned a bomb squad to collect whatever pieces of her were left after the press had blown through.
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