One time I hit on this black girl and she was like "You couldn't handle

One time I was on the road and I was drunk and trying to hit on this girl at a bar.  At one point in the conversation I said, "You're pretty."  To which she replied, "I also have a brain!"

She said this angrily, as if I had insulted her in some way.

Understand that I am not generally annoyed by this kind of feminine bullshit, but this bitch weighed at least 180 lbs.  Plus she bore a striking resemblance to Meatloaf, both the singer and the food.  So if she did indeed have a brain, then it was clearly missing the part that processes the information from her reflection in a mirror.

I don't know when fat chicks started having so much self-esteem, but this is not the kind of world I want to live in!  I'm getting fat myself, and I haven't noticed any waves of self worth washing over me as I look at my gut in the mirror.  I don't say things like "Wow, I'm on the road to developing a sexy front-ass!  I hope women don't get so horny that they forget how good I am at word jumbles!

It took an eight ball and half a bottle of Jaeger to make me want to talk to this homunculus. I probably took a year off my life, so how about a little God-damn, Christian appreciation?  I guess that was a little too much to ask from miss fat genius!  "Hold on there, pal!  Don't think you're just going to waltz in here with some smooth compliment and get your hands down these size 18 panties!  The only reason I came to a singles bar was to be challenged with brain-teasers and riddles!"

The other day I was reading about America’s future plans for space travel. The article described thrilling plans for the colonization of Mars! Of course, many would ask, “What does this mean, if anything, for Christians?” That’s a good question. After all, the Bible says very little about space travel.

As Christians, however, it’s important to remember that every new piece of information we learn must first be tested against our faith before we can safely store it in our brains.

For example, the other day I saw a movie about sea monsters. While the nonbelievers around me may have been laughing and clapping and enjoying the sea monsters, I was busy thinking about how God feels about sea monsters! After all, he is the ruler of all creation including sea monsters. Were the makers of this film in compliance with God’s laws about sea monsters, whatever those laws may be? I’d be willing to bet that not one of them prayed to God before writing the script or shooting the picture. I hope for their sakes their film does nothing to subvert God’s plan for sea monsters. Of course it is impossible for us as mere humans to fully understand God’s plans for sea monsters, but rest assured they are perfect. The same goes for robots.

This brings me back to Mars. I don’t know what man’s achievements in space will be before the end of time. However, I am looking forward to exploring the wonders of the universe when I am an angel, in a spaceship made from clouds that is powered by Christian contemporary soft rock!

Pray with me now!

Oh Greatest, best God.
Master of all robots and sea monsters!
Why did my wife leave me yesterday?
Forgive me for drinking this, a fifth of whiskey.
Before writing this devotional.
It’s not easy coming up with fresh ideas every damn day!
Sorry I said damn.
Amen.

How great is it to be saved? Often while driving I am reminded of Rev 15:2-4 which describes how saved Christians will one day stand at the edge of the lake of fire, playing harps and singing the song of Moses whilst the unrepentant are tormented forever. How truly wonderful it will be to spend eternity playing that awesome song while the damned are burned alive in front of our very eyes!

The other day I was cut off in traffic by an atheist. Quickly, I sped up next to him and leaned out my window, singing the song of Moses as loud as I could. He looked at me as if he didn’t understand, but he’ll find out soon enough when he is burning in the lake of fire along with his hipster science friends!

Imagine the look on his face when he lifts his head up from his many torments and sees me singing the same verses of that very song and then rocking out with an extended harp solo! I guess the idea of a six-day creation isn’t so stupid now, is it scientist? Perhaps also a beautiful, unsaved model will call out to me from the fire saying, "Brother Metzger, please let me come out of hell to hang out with your band and bear unto you a child!" And I will say, "Sorry lady, you shouldn’t have had that abortion!" Then we will turn on some strobe lights and the soul of her unborn child will slap out a funky, damning rhythm on bass!

Pray with me now.

Oh Lord, you who wrote the song of Moses,
Whose skill at producing is like that of a thousand Quincy Joneses.
Teach me to play the harp, that I might shove my salvation in the face of the unbeliever as he is tormented forever for trusting in the fossil record, rather than your perfect word.
Amen.

Like most Christians, I am often called upon to use the miraculous power granted to me by our Lord to heal the sick. As we well know, any who truly have faith can be healed of absolutely any affliction through the laying on of hands. In my congregation, I have my flock get in line at the end of the service to be healed one by one, as time permits.

Well, last Sunday I had a real doozy! I had just finished healing a blind man when I was approached by a young girl of 16. "What is your affliction, sister?" I asked, never dreaming that her response would be, “An unwanted pregnancy!”

It was a real pickle! This girl clearly had enough faith to believe the Holy Spirit could end her pregnancy, but what about the ethical questions? After all, God’s word is very clear that all life, no matter how small, is sacred, except for homosexuals and Moabites.

I prayed for the wisdom of Solomon and asked her if she thought the child could possibly be a homosexual or Moabite. However, she could give no clear answer either way. We had to stay after service for a good three hours fervently praying for a way to hash things out. Just as I was beginning to lose faith and consider returning to my former career in jazz dance, God made the answer apparent.

It turned out that this girl had been reading books to her unborn child after hearing about a study suggesting that children can learn while still in the womb. What books had she been reading? The entire Harry Potter series! Her unborn child was now a witch!

Without hesitation I laid my hands upon her pregnant belly! As the Holy Spirit sent her witch-baby hurtling into the lake of fire, both of us gave thanks to God for answering our simple dilemma.

Pray with me now.

Oh great God in heaven!
Master of the universe and granter of wishes.
Praise be unto you for giving your servants the
Super powers necessary to combat the witch whore
JK Rowling and her tiny, unborn servants of Babylon. Amen.

As Christians, we often have our faith tested by nonbelievers claiming that the Bible contradicts itself. They may then show us scriptures where the Bible is clearly and obviously contradicting itself in order to lead us away from our faith and possibly even into homosexuality!

How do we, as Christians, reconcile these apparent contradictions? Very simply, we must always keep in mind that though the Bible is indeed the inspired word of God, it is written by Jews. I think anyone who’s ever dealt with a banker or lawyer knows what a tricky lot they can be! I think it should serve to strengthen our faith that we have God’s word at all, considering just how many Jews were involved!

Pray with me now.

Oh Lord God, the Alpha and Omega,
Thank you for your inspired word,
In your infinite wisdom, you knew that
In order to draft your perfect laws and commandments,
You would need to consult with the wily Jew. Amen.

Kurt Metzger is a qualified youth pastor who often plays acoustic guitar as he raps with kids. Also, he often throws in ancient hebrew words with his normal speech in order to sound more "bible-y." Please send your love gifts to dangermint@yahoo.com. (By love gifts, we mean cash.)

The other day I was heading to my car just after closing up the Bible-Time Players Theatre Youth House when a young man in a wheelchair approached me with tears in his eyes.

He told me that he wanted desperately to come to the youth center and learn about the tender mercy of Christ's forgiveness, but could not enter because he was in a wheelchair and the center was built without ramps!

Imagine the tears of shame I shed after he spoke, as I quickly wheeled him the heck away from God's holy house of worship!

For, as Leviticus 21:16-20 tells us, 16: And the LORD said to Moses, 17: Say to Aaron, none of your descendants throughout their generations who has a blemish may approach the alter of his God, 18: For no one who has a blemish shall draw near, a man blind or lame, or one who has a mutilated face or a limb too long, 19: or a man who has an injured foot or an injured hand, 
20: or a hunchback or a dwarf, or a man with a defect in his sight or an itching disease or scabs or crushed testicles; they shall not offer the bread of God.

Over the years, it has sometimes been difficult to uphold God's righteous laws at the Youth House. Often, a lame or crookback man will sneak in and hide in the bell tower. Occasionally, a group of dwarves will climb on each other's shoulders and put on a large trenchcoat, posing as one without blemish. As if that weren't bad enough, I can't tell you how awkward it can be making sure every young man in the Youth House has healthy testicles!

And here now, a man with an injured foot and a limb too long had nearly breached the perimeter of God's holiest Youth House and Bible-Time Theatre! It looks like God is telling me I'm going to have to install that security grid after all!

I just watched clips of the Jill Carrol interview where she describes being captured by insurgents.

Holy shit! I'm not going to mention the name of the religion I'm about to make fun of because I don't want to be killed with a curvy sword. Let's just say that it's crazy and people who believe in it can't have, and don't deserve, democracy. The only way to keep those people in line is with a ruthless dictator with a powerful mustache willing to wipe them out with poison gas when they get too whoopy and dancey. Please understand that I use the term "those people," merely to illustrate that I don't understand or like them.

Here is an example of me making an effort to learn about this religion and not judge it. It's a transcript of me talking to a friend of this persuasion who I like to get fucked up with.

Me: So why is it wrong to eat pork? Why would God make an unclean animal?

Dusky Friend: That's a common misconception. Actually, it's not that the pig is unclean, it's that there is a part of every pig that's unclean and we don't know which part it is.

He actually said that with a straight face! God created a mystery sweepstakes animal! Because I like this guy so much, I had to sit there and nod my head in understanding as if that wasn't one of the stupidest fucking things I have ever heard of in my life! I am clearly a very big person.

The real reason we as Americans can't call this an insane, made up, nonsense religion, is that it would call into question our predominant horseshit faiths such as Christianity and Judaism. We have all the same gibberish about stoning the queers and covering up the women in our holy books. It's just that we have the decency to ignore what our bibles say and pay only hypocritical lip service to our pretend faith. That and we don't kill you for making fun of it.

That is the key to a healthy modern society. Having a religion and not following it. Rather than exporting democracy, we should be exporting hypocracy.

p.s.

You, know what? I am tired of being afraid to talk about this religion, so I'm just going to come out and say it. Fuck the Sikhs!

So today I was listening to some Kanye West songs I stole off the Internet and one of the songs has this weird lyric in it. It's the song he does with the tranny from Maroon Five.

Right in the first verse he raps the line "... and I know the gub'ment administer aids!" Then he changes the subject and never brings it up again.

Now, I'm not going to argue Kanye's point that da gub'ment be givin' out aids. I am sure he has an entire paper trail of evidence tucked safely in his backpack, to be released to the media in the event of his death.

I just don't understand why a gub'ment plot, that big, only gets one line. It seems like it would warrant at least a whole song.

Maybe da gub'ment sent agents that made him edit the rest of the information out, 'cause I heard they be doin' that.

It reminds me of the time Chuck D. revealed that Colt 45 was putting a chemical in they forty ounces that made brothers wile out. I think it was called alchohol.

RICHMOND, VA. - Sen. George Allen apologized Tuesday for remarks that offended a man of Indian descent who was tracking the Republican's re-election campaign for Democratic challenger Jim Webb.

Sen. Allen -

"This fellow over here with the yellow shirt—Macaca or whatever his name is—he's with my opponent," Allen said. "He's following us around everywhere."

Well it turns out that the guy's name wasn't Macaca! It was something Indian-sounding. It turns out Macaca is a genus of monkey and also a city in South Africa.

Imagine how that Indian guy must have felt when he got home and spent three hours researching what the hell Macaca means, only to find out he had been called a genus of monkey and possibly a city in South Africa! Angry and confused I'll bet!

Imagine how George Allen feels, having randomly picked a funny name to call some guy and having it turn out to be some kind of racial slur. I'm sure it was an honest mistake. Republican senators from Virginia don't read enough to learn obscure racial terms.

One time I called someone a "spink" because I like to make up silly words. It turned out the guy was Philippino and Dominican and I had to apologize to his family and promise to buy them all one sock. (Spinks always have just one sock on because they are only half Dominican).