A runway at JFK airport was shut down Wednesday morning after 78 turtles crawled onto the tarmac.  So let's recap:  Geese taking down jets, turtles shutting down runways, pigs spreading the flu...I'm starting to think Old MacDonald is a terrorist.  

Sources say that Michael Jackson showed signs of IV drug use.  Sure enough, he had marks on his arm, syringes in his house, and in the past year, he tripled his home run total. 

Many of Governor Palin's supporters were shocked at her sudden, abrupt decision.  But let's face it...she named her kids "Bristol" and "Willow", so it's not like she's got a knack for thinking things through. 

Due to the slumping economy, Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.  Ironically, when they get to bankruptcy court, they'll have to wait in a line a mile long for two hours only to realize later that this ride really sucks. 

*This joke was also submitted to Late Night w/ Jimmy Fallon.

Hall of Famer Joe Montana's son, Nick, after years of watching his dad, will play quarterback at the University of Washington.  In a similar story, Brett Favre's son is quitting school and then re-enrolling, then quitting again, then going back for a year, then taking a break, then flirting with going back, then back to quitting but still studying a little, and then it's just a guessing game.

*This joke was also submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

The election in Iran was a lot like one held in America.  People were passionate, there were corruption charges, and Dennis Kucinich finished dead last. 

*This joke was also submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Jon Rubinstein – the computer engineer credited with building the iPod – has been named CEO of Palm.  They were going to give the job to the guy who created Twitter, but his resume stopped after just 140 words. 

*This joke was also submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Many are worried that Chrysler and Fiat form a team that looks good on paper but will crumble down the stretch.  Which explains why people call them "The automotive New York Mets".