Child film star Dakota Fanning is not as talented as many of her peers, a source close to the 12 year old reports.  The source, who wished to remain anonymous, was Shawn Lugoire, Ms. Manning's jilted former movement instructor and currently a circus clown with Ringling Brothers going by the stage name "Blinky."

"One can easily see why someone with Mr. Lugoire's flabby resume and depressing track record would want to poo-poo those who succeed where he  has failed," noted a statement from child star advocate Sibley Martin. "But to do so to a little girl is just sick and Mr. Lugoire deserves all the bad press that is coming to him."

Mr. Lugoire responded to the statement by punching a makeup mirror in his trailer and being charged $120 dollars by Wringling Brothers, Inc.

"Mr. Lugoire has, in general, been a wonderful employee," noted a spokesman at Wringling Brothers, "But a few more outbursts like the one we saw the other day, and we'll be forced to terminate him."

Mr. Lugoire was briefly reached for comment, saying that he wished to put the incident behind him, and that he does not begrudge Ms. Fanning her fame or success, noting that "she's got a long road in front of her, and we'll see where she goes from here.  I for one know it's a long way down."

Then Mr. Lugoire ended the interview by walking out on stage and getting into a yellow polka-dot clown car followed by fifteen other clowns.

 Hundreds of rural counties throughout the nation have bonded together to petition the federal government to focus upon the passing of a national ammendment banning gay marriage, and protesting the enforcement of drinking water standards.

"We will not stand idly by as our marriages are trampled upon, while drinking water is treated like its so damned special," said Bill Hillensbett, Mayor of Grinty, Arkansas, population 400.  He went on to say that if the government wanted to clean up his drinking water, he would be damned if they would attach a rider onto the bill that demanded that his people pay for gay weddings.  "I mean, who would wear the wedding dress anyhow?  If I'm gonna pay for these things, I want some kind of say."

Ice contains a wide array of nutrients not found in water, including coldness, hardness and meltiness, Department of Health Services representatives announced Saturday. The representatives, many of whom were contained in straightjackets, made their announcement from a diversions room in New York's Bellevue Hospital.

"Eat ice every day, kind of like you would drink water, and I swear that it will make you at least ten years younger," said Billy McPhee, who then proceeded to twirl around singing "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

 Three hundred Google users were quarantined monday when they were found to be contaminated with a rare but deadly strain of the Tetris virus yesterday, authorities have noted.

 Dennis Johnson has been pondering some huge questions, while his mother waits for him to make room for her on the couch.