Wal-Mart has announced plans to build a Super Center in Locust Grave, VA near a 145 year old Civil War battle field. The company also announced plans to hire that wars veterans as door greeters.

A four year old boys day care teacher discovered a bag containing cocaine in the boys pocket. The boy stated that his father gave it to him telling him it was candy. Before the discovery the kid shared the drug with other children, also telling them it was candy. The staff and teachers were outraged. As a percaution, teahcers sent notes to parents warning " If your child believes that cocaine is candy that you might not want your child attending next weeks annual gay and lesbian sponsored hot dog and taco picnic.

Burt Reynolds checked into Florida drug rehab facility last week for what his publicist said was an addiction to pain killers. The 72 year old actors equally famous 70's porn style mustache also entered rehab for what is publicist said was an addiction to Burt Reynolds.

The bad news? I over dosed on Extenze male enhancement pills.

The good news? I won a three legged race by myself. 

 The man behind the famous brand died last week at age 95. Oddly though he was buried with his head and feet outside the coffin. The family stated that this was because he was bun length.