This just in: Rare 111-year-old reptile to become a father.

Uh-oh. A scandal like this could really hurt the McCain campaign. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Political
Keywords: mccain campaign
Added: Thu, 7 Aug 2008

Mayor Carolyn Kirk denies that 17 girls at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts made a pact to become pregnant and raise their babies together. Kirk now attributes the rash of pregnancies to the school’s insanely successful Breeding Is Fundamental program. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: News
Keywords: gloucester pregnancies
Added: Wed, 25 Jun 2008

In an attempt to shed light on the obesity epidemic nationwide and in the fattest state in the U.S., three state representatives are proposing a bill that would ban obese customers from restaurants in Mississippi.

Hey, if the plan works at the state level, Congress is thinking of amending the Patriot Act to include the obese on the FBI’s no-fry list. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 8 Feb 2008

A friend of mine has Traumatic-Post Stress Syndrome, or what he calls fear of mail. I figure he inherited the condition from his father, who works for the post office. He’s a carrier, after all. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Weird
Keywords:
Added: Mon, 19 Nov 2007

Utah police desperate to reach their quota of WTF arrests, apprehended a 70-year-old Orem woman, and, after a struggle, charged her with “failing to maintain her landscaping.” Besides being an eyesore, authorities say a brown lawn violates Utah’s strictly enforced Whitest State West of Vermont edict.

“I’d a thought by now that homeowners around here woulda learned that brown lawns is as offensive as black skin,” said the arraignment judge, Klayton K. Klancy. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Political
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 20 Sep 2007

A Russian governor encouraged workers to stay home and make love to help boost the nation’s dwindling birth rate. And to help raise money to recharge the U.S. economy, the Speaker of the House urged every member of Congress to return to their home states and screw the middle class! [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Political
Keywords: politics sex
Added: Thu, 13 Sep 2007

Eeeeeeeeesh! Just saw the disturbing "Viva Viagra" TV commercial, and afterward all I wanted was a stiff drink. Stop all the smirking, guys: No matter what the makers of "natural male enhancements" say, an erection does not count as personal growth. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Entertainment
Keywords:
Added: Mon, 27 Aug 2007

I have a new girlfriend! Actually, we're “friends with benefits,” though not in the usual sense of that expression. We're not having sex...but I am on her dental plan. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Weird
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 15 Jun 2007

Police in Florida arrested a 6-year-old pupil at Avon Elementary School and charged her with three crimes after the girl allegedly threw a felony tantrum. Teach this li’l crimin'l a lesson now, I say, before she goes on a rampage at recess and becomes a serial kicker. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Weird
Keywords:
Added: Thu, 12 Apr 2007

Beginning immediately, soldiers deploying to Iraq and Afghanistan will serve 15 months instead of 12 months in the two war zones. It’s “a difficult but necessary interim step,” Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says, adding, “An extended trip overseas? Most people would kill for that — which, incidentally, is all we’re asking of these troops.” [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Political
Keywords:
Added: Wed, 11 Apr 2007

Amsterdam plans to honor prostitutes worldwide with a statue in its red-light district. In a reciprocal gesture, prostitutes in LA say they will continue to honor the all-you-can-screw coupons that Heidi Fleiss gave Charlie Sheen in the ‘90s. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Weird
Keywords: sex joke
Added: Fri, 6 Apr 2007

A study by scientists with too much time on their hands concluded what the world has long suspected: Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump cause more headaches than MSG. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Entertainment
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 22 Dec 2006

I'm Catholic, but I doubt I'll be pope. I may have a shot: After all, the Church does promote from within, but even then, the job usually goes to the nerdy priest voted "Most Likely to Be Pope" at the Theology School prom. Realistically, I figure the only way I'll ever become pope is if the College of Cardinals, the people who pick the pope, go to Spring Break in Daytona, get wasted, and turn the usually rigid election process into a Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes. So one day I'll be home sorting the mail and see that familiar screaming envelope: "JOHN DELERY, YOU MAY ALREADY BE POPE!" All I'll have to do is mail back my lucky numbers and promise to subscribe to Papal Magazine, the Vatican tabloid that prints stories like, "I Bore God's Love Child," and there's a picture of Madonna -- the original, remember her? -- surrounded by the Three Wise Men, who, curiously, look like Tom Cruise, Ben Affleck and Brad Pitt. [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: Entertainment
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 22 Dec 2006

It turns out Sylvester Stallone is planning one more Rocky movie. The finale of the franchise will be Rocky: 65. In it, our aging hero fights cuts to Medicare spending! [more]

Author: John Delery
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Mon, 18 Dec 2006