There was a parade yesterday in California to celebrate the return of the girl who was kidnapped 18 years ago. 'Cause you know what makes up for decades of being held captive? A teeny tiny car with a LOT of clowns. [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: News
Keywords: california kidnapping clowns
Added: Sat, 3 Oct 2009

The FBI arrested two suspected terrorists last week after finding backpacks and cell phones in their apartment. Also on FBI watchlists? Every ninth grader in the country. [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: News
Keywords: terrorist terrorism fbi backpacks cell phone
Added: Sat, 3 Oct 2009

A representative for Iran said this week that its recently discovered nuclear facility was built entirely for peaceful purposes.

They then mentioned that their machine guns are just to scare bunnies out of gardens and their tanks are there only to transport gummi bears to poor children. [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: Political
Keywords: iran ahmadinejad nuclear war nuclear power
Added: Sat, 3 Oct 2009

According to his doctor, Michael Jackson referred to the anesthetic propofol as his "milk."
Oddly enough, he also insisted on referring to actual milk as, "a dangerous drug that should only be administered during surgery." [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: michael jackson propofol drugs surgery anesthetic
Added: Fri, 28 Aug 2009

An Ohio judge recently ruled that election officials must accept provisional ballots from homeless voters, a move widely regarded to benefit Barack Obama since low income populations have a tendency to vote Democrat.
I actually think the homeless were some of the first Obama supporters.  Since the very beginning, they've been out on the street demanding change. [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: Political
Keywords: barack obama homeless change democrat election
Added: Wed, 29 Oct 2008

According to the New York Times, six NFL players have agreed to donate their brains to Boston University's School of Medicine.
It's like
my mother always said when deciding which clothes to give to the
Salvation Army, "If you haven't used it for at least a year, go ahead
and donate it." [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: Sports
Keywords: nfl football donate brain boston university
Added: Wed, 24 Sep 2008

Iran’s
President, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, declared today before the U.N. General Assembly
that, “the American empire” is nearing its end.
Shortly afterward, President Bush retorted: "





Of course this isn’t the end of the American empire.  How else would we keep track of whether the
pitch was a strike or a ball?” [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: Political
Keywords: ahmedinejad u.n. bush
Added: Tue, 23 Sep 2008

Scandal erupts amidst cries of "juicing." [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: Weird
Keywords: steroids world record kids
Added: Sat, 12 Apr 2008

An Ohio kindergartener was suspended from school this week for having a Mowhawk haircut, which his mother claimed was the boy’s way of expressing his individuality.

Administrative officials responded by saying, “At our educational facilities, we prefer that students express their individuality through school-shootings.” [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: News
Keywords: mowhawk school-shootings
Added: Sun, 2 Mar 2008

There was another school shooting this week, this time at Northern Illinois University.

The thing that bothers me about copycat killers is that they're so UNORIGINAL.

Sellouts.

They're like cover bands for murder. [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: News
Keywords: school shooting guns murder bunnies
Added: Mon, 18 Feb 2008

After years of conflict with the Catholic Church, China ordained two Vatican-approved bishops this week.

Catholicism is a little different in China, in that the altar boys are less afraid of the molestation than the asbestos-laden toys they’ll be given to keep them quiet afterward. [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: News
Keywords: catholic religion china asbestos
Added: Wed, 5 Dec 2007

An intelligence study released this week reports that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in 2003, contradicting earlier reports that the country was working quickly toward a nuclear bomb.

When asked how he could defend his previous statements threatening military action against Iran, President Bush replied, “Look, here in America, we ONLY attack countries that don’t have weapons.” [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: Political
Keywords: iran nuclear weapons bush
Added: Wed, 5 Dec 2007

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly has announced that he will debate 80s sitcom puppet, Alf, on his show tonight.

Sources say that immediately after the show was taped, O'Reilly had Alf deported: "Unfortunately, it seems that Alf was unable to document his status as a legal alien." [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: Weird
Keywords: alf bill oreilly immigration
Added: Fri, 30 Nov 2007

Gillian Gibbons, a British teacher in Sudan, has been sentenced to fifteen days in prison for allowing her class to name its teddy bear "Muhammad."

To appease the radical Muslims, Gibbons has agreed to allow the class to name their next bear, "Damn Jews!" [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: News
Keywords: sudan teacher muslim teddy bear
Added: Fri, 30 Nov 2007

Earlier this week, talk show host Carson Daly announced that his show will resume production next week without its writers.

The network fears that it will become apparent to viewers just how hard the writers worked to make Daly sound only mildly retarded. [more]

Author: Jill Twiss
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: writers strike carson daly retarded
Added: Fri, 30 Nov 2007