New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is so rich . He is worth over $17 Billion Dollars and can afford anything . Today he bought the Election ( again) .  

I have a friend that is a compulsive gambler . Today he bet me $20 he could stop gambling !  **  Today I asked my friend Mei if it's hard to stop smoking ?  She replied , " It's easy , I stopped smoking at least a hundred times ! "  ***  My balding friend John is so worried about his hair . " Suzie, what can I do to keep from losing my hair ? "  he asked . I told him  " Try using an empty cigar box !" **** My waitress friend Sally asked me if I knew the difference between Asians, Jews, Scots, and canoes ?   " Yes I do, canoes tip ! "  ***** I don't know anything about sports . I thought quarterback was a refund ! ***** My friend Edna is a compulsive shopper who will buy anything marked down . Yesterday she bought an escalator !

My friend Rajah asked me today why did that kid with the balloon get so much media attention ?  For hundreds of years in India we have been flying around on Magic Carpets !

David Letterman has three young and very attractive ladies working in his office . The Brunette said , " Look girls, I just found a box of condoms in Dave's desk ."  .... The Redhead replied , " Yeah I know, I punched holes in all of them last week ." ....  "  You Did What ? "  Screamed the Blonde just before she fainted . 

How do you sink a North Korean battleship ?  Put it in water ! ****   Kim Jong Il likes to boast his army has over 30,000 septic Tanks .  *** Dear Leader Kim loves to play Bingo every night . But when the number caller yells out  "B-52" , he runs for the air raid shelter .

The three former dumb blonde stars of  Hugh Hefner's " Girls Next Door " are so stupid . Kendra said she once studied all night for a blood test .  Holly admitted she brought all her cosmetics to school for a Make up test . And Bridget still believes her breast implants were manufactered in Silicon Valley !

My uncle went for a prostate exam yesterday . After pulling his pants down and bending over, he asked the doctor to use 2 fingers this time .  " Why do you want me to use two fingers ? " asked the doctor ."  My uncle replied, " Because i wanted a second opinion ! "

I made a killing in the market today . I shot my stockbroker !

I am so angry at me 95 year old grandmother . Last month she borrowed $10 from me to buy some rice and now she can't pay me back . I worked out a deal with her to do some work on my  transmission . If she can't fix it , then I'll have her move my piano into the basement .

This is a true story . Long before the bubble burst on Wall Street last year, I worked as an unlicensed stockbroker.  I was employed by a small Taiwanese company in New York's Chinatown . People used to ask me what i did for a living and I proudly told them , " I invest other people's money until it's all gone ! "