Cleaning up after 8 years of the Bush Administration is like having a six pound wad of gum in your hair. Except everybody to the left of you keeps trying to YANK it out, while everybody to the right keeps trying to tell you what a lovely, grape-scented hat you're wearing... 

Mind-blowing thirst on an uncomfortably full stomach. 

Philadelphia Phillie Jimmy Rollins still maintains that his team is better than the Yankees, moments following their Game Six loss to their World Series opponent last night.

The only other notable thing said by Rollins during the press conference was, "Yes, I do vote Republican. Why do you ask?" 

News Headline: Protester calls former Australian PM ‘racist’ then throws boot at his head 

Well, that guy's screwed, now. Everybody knows that throwing a boot at a former prime minister is a bootable offense!

Headline: "Canadian Singer Killed By Coyotes"

I'll save you the trouble - it wasn't Celine Dion...

President Obama has gone on record that he does not believe that racial bias has fueled the heated rhetoric coming from conservatives since his inauguration. Which is a perfectly logical stance for him to take, if you ask me - because really...you don't think he WANTS to get shot, do you?

Us Weekly is reporting that pop star Avril Lavigne has left her husband of 3 years, Deryck Whibley.

Apparently Lavigne came to this decision after Whibley botched a trust exercise at a couples retreat. She fell, and he just watched.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is undergoing surgery today to deal with a case of spinal stenosis.

"And by spinal stenosis," said Anthony Caputy, the doctor performing the surgery, "We mean the experimental serum we invented to keep his feet from morphing back into hooves is wearing off."

I've been 30 years old for almost a year now, but I'm noticing things about myself lately that I think are surefire signs that I'm getting older...

1. My back will hurt for no good reason.

2. When I have gas, I don't hold it in as much. (Not that I CAN'T, mind you...I JUST DON'T CARE! Could be on line at the bank, could be in an elevator...it could even be in the middle of foreplay! Like James Brown said...got to release that pressure!)

3. I spend more time dabbing and shaking than I do peeing.

4. I like babies more, and teenagers less.   

Kanye West did something obnoxious at an awards show and everybody was shocked that he could behave in such a manner. Probably the only big difference between this and previous such displays is that some celebrities were now able to tweet their disapproval almost immediately.

Yawn.

I’m a little surprised that a music video award ceremony hosted by a cable network that barely runs music videos anymore is taken THIS seriously…by ANYBODY. So Kanye acted like a dick – big shock! Next time, act like a dick while wearing just a diaper – make some REAL news, for Chrissake…