Went to a Spanish store yesterday looking for black  shoe polish everything was in Spanish so I asked the cashier who happened to speak English where the black shoe polish was located, she looked at me and said negro over there...  I said who the hell you calling negro? [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: Weird
Keywords:
Added: Mon, 28 Sep 2009

 A CONVERSATION WITH GOD (Revised for John Roy)

INT. GOD’S KINGDON-DAY
Michael Jackson is walking thru a beautiful garden with God, he is nervous as this is his first conversation with God since checking in.

MICHAEL
 God I just wanted to say that I didn’t do those things they said I did on earth.

God looks at Michael and smiles as he keeps walking.

GOD
Michael, I know you didn’t do those  things that’s why I made that kid tell the truth. I also want to say I’m sorry for taking you right now I know it was bad timing, but I just couldn't wait anymore. I was going to take you way back when but changed my mind at the last minuet, sorry about burning your hair.

Michael look’s at God.

MICHAEL
You did that?

God smiles! Michael and God walk into a open room with mirrors, Michael is confused.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Why are we here?

God looks at Michael,smiles and walks into the mirror suddenly we hear music playing it’s the sound track for Thriller, Michael is confused and looks around but can only see his reflection, then there out of the mirror God appears again but this time he has on one glove and penny loafers, he walks up to Michael.

GOD
Can you teach me how to Moon Walk?

CUT TO:

WIDE SHOT.
Michael looks at God for a few seconds, music gets louder, Michael starts to tap his feet, then snaps his fingers, does a quick move and grabs himself.

MICHAEL
Sham-on you know it!

The End [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: michael jackson
Added: Wed, 1 Jul 2009

 There are reports that God fainted like 13 year old school girl from excitement when Michael Jackson arrived at the pearly gates. Mr. Jackson has several concerts schedule including a birthday party in December!
RIP MJ [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: mj michael jackson rip
Added: Mon, 29 Jun 2009

 
NEW YORK - The craze for touch-screen gadgets, sparked by Apple Inc's popular iPhone, is raising worries that a whole generation of consumer electronics will be out of the reach of the blind.


Motown icon Stevie Wonder and other advocates came to the world's biggest gadget fest, the annual Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas this week, to convince vendors to consider the needs of the blind.


I think it's silly to want more out of cell phones for the blind outside of a brail phone. It's like asking the music industry to put more vibration in it's music.


Wonder told a CES event that his wishlist included a car he could drive — which he acknowledged was probably "a ways away" — and a Sirius XM satellite radio he could operate.


But wait Stevie we have the technology!
 



But no really, I think the real concern here is the loyalty of the care takers of Stevie Wonder clearly nobody has mentioned to him that he has a half of head of braids. [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: News
Keywords: stevie wonder iphone ian salmon joke horse car
Added: Tue, 13 Jan 2009

Mysterious drag queen wins national karaoke contest. No one knows who he is, he just showed up, rocked the house and left! [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: amy winehouse
Added: Tue, 7 Oct 2008

Synopsis:

The Predator, and it's superb fighting skills targets retired boxing legends in a quest to collect the skulls of these great worriers of the ring. However this time the predator played by Floyd Mayweather Sr has a bonus weapon, a mean right hand

In the first act of this fast pasted action packed movie the predator knocks out some of boxing’s greats with no problem.


In a dramatic twist in the end he has a change of heart as he goes for the last knock out and skull claim. He cloaks his way into Ali’s home only to be greeted with Ali's shaking right fist and mumbling words “Come on fool time for school“.


The Predator played by Floyd Mayweather Sr. then breaks down in tears.......

The End!

Mayweather was given the role primarily based on his striking resemblance to the deadly predator! [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: predator mayweather
Added: Sun, 2 Dec 2007

CNN) -- When China's lunar orbiter blasted off last month, there was not a cheer or smile or a "whoo-haaa" to be had in mission control.




Perhaps because for the government, it was just another small step in an ambitious space program which could ultimately see a Chinese Restaurant orbiting the Earth, a China Town on the moon, and a space suite cleaners on Mars.


In related news, South Korean space officials said Tuesday they plan to send an unmanned probe to the moon's orbit in 2020 and land a probe on the moon's surface in 2025 in hopes of opening several Carry Outs.

The country's Ministry of Science and Technology also announced it will develop a large-sized rocket capable of carrying 300 tons of fried chicken and mumbo sauce into space by 2017.


However they admit if this new vision is to work, African Americans will need to colonize the moon. They are already in negotiations with companies like Colt 45, Remy Martin and Boon's farm. [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: Blogs
Keywords: china joke space program
Added: Mon, 26 Nov 2007

A judge Tuesday sentenced polygamist sect leader Warren Jeffs to serve at least 10 years!


Well I’m sure he will feel at home in jail where multiple sex partners are common place. [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: News
Keywords:
Added: Tue, 20 Nov 2007

Sen. John McCain while in Colebrook N.H. said that he respected Hilary Clinton and would not take shots at her.

Translated: I wouldn’t be opposed to tapping that ass! [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: Political
Keywords: clinton mccain white house race 2008
Added: Sun, 18 Nov 2007

During the CNN presidential debate last night the candidates were asked a yes or no question “ do you support drivers licenses for illegal immigrants?”



They all jumped around the question, I asked myself how I would answer that question and decided that I would answer by saying that I am not against illegal immigrants having drivers licenses but I would support a bill to limit the shit you can put on one car. [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: Political
Keywords: illigal immigrants cars driver licenses
Added: Sat, 17 Nov 2007

MOSCOW, Russia (CNN) -- Members of a Russian doomsday cult barricaded themselves in a cave to wait out the end of the world as the cult's leader underwent psychiatric exams Thursday, Russian media reported.


The cult, which calls itself the "true Russian Orthodox Church," believes the world will end in May.

The cult leader is in police custody awaiting proceedings on charges that he set up an organization "whose activity is associated with violence on citizens and instigation to refuse to perform their civil duties," according to the state-funded Itar-Tass news agency.

In his own defense the leader said " Oh man I was only joking, I can't believe how stupid these people are golly gee!" [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: News
Keywords: cults jokes russia
Added: Fri, 16 Nov 2007

BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) -- The elegant iron-railing balconies were once catwalks where guards stood watch over the inmates to make sure they didn't try to break out. If you look closely, you can still see the outline of the holes from the iron bars on the windows.
Designers of the newly opened Liberty Hotel kept the prison guard catwalks as part of the hotel's lobby.

After a five-year, $150 million renovation, the old Charles Street jail is now a luxury hotel for guests who can afford to pay anywhere from $319 a night for the lowest-priced room to $5,500 for the presidential suite. The hotel, at the foot of Boston's stately Beacon Hill neighborhood, opened in September.


In keeping with the tradition of the old jail each room will come with a bag of home made wine located in the toilet. [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: News
Keywords: new hotel jail boston joke
Added: Fri, 16 Nov 2007

Gay couple is eliminated off The Amazing Race TV show after they fail to locate a bicycle marked with color coding on it amongst hundreds of other bicycles.

The two married gay women who are both ministers became confused after having coffee and space-cakes at the Rookies in Amsterdam. [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: amsterdam amazing race joke
Added: Tue, 13 Nov 2007

MOSCOW, Russia (AP) -- A Russian oil tanker broke in two in a storm in the Black Sea Sunday, spilling some 2,200 tons of fuel oil into the Kerch Strait and posing a serious environmental problem, officials said.

The tanker, Volganeft-139, broke about three miles from the shore.

"This problem will take several years to solve," Oleg Mitvol, head of the state environmental safety watchdog, Rosprorodnadzor, said on Vesti 24 television.


After getting word of this the Rev. Al Sharpton said he would be holding a demonstration in support of a faster clean up effort for the Black Sea, he has also made a statement saying “I’m not going to settle for any feet dragging on the clean up of the Black Sea it needs attention now, if this was the Red Sea you would see an army working to get that oil off the surface.” [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: News
Keywords: comedy jokes al sharpton oil spill
Added: Sun, 11 Nov 2007

U.S. safety officials have voluntarily recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots toys contaminated with a powerful "date rape" drug that has caused some children to vomit and lose consciousness upon ingesting the contents.

The Chinese government has sent an apology saying "Oh we so sorry, that shipment was for Japan".


In other news notorious child molester Tony "Lollypop" Bruno was arrested while shop lifting at a downtown Toys R Us. [more]

Author: Ian Salmon
Category: News
Keywords: toys drugs china ghb
Added: Thu, 8 Nov 2007