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Registered on: 07/06/06
Location:
NY
URL: http://www.dailycomedy.com/u/ErikBraunstein
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Biography:
Comedian, Writer, Pap Smearer, Carbon Dioxide Exhaler.
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Page Views: 1709
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Jokes: 147
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Videos: 0
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Comments: 0
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Fans: 5
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Recently, Presidential hopeful Barack Obama said one of his earliest memories was seeing "Born Free," a 1960’s film about lions. Coincidentally, his opponent John McCain said his earliest memory was watching people draw lion pictures in caves.
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This week, Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama met with Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke. I wasn’t at the meeting, but I’m pretty sure it went down like this…
Obama: Thank you Mr. Bernanke, for letting me speak with you today.
Bernanke: Actually, you’ve come at the right time- there is an urgent matter we need to discuss!
Obama: The housing crisis? Interest rates? Stagflation? What?
Bernanke: No. I don’t even recognize any of those terms. In fact, I’m pretty sure you made the last one up.
Obama: You mean “stagflation”?
Bernanke: Enough with your Zulu gibberish, heathen! Speak in the Queen’s English, Mustafa- you’re not in Kenya anymore!
Obama: What the hell are you talking about?
Bernanke: Silence!! The mighty Fed Chief is speaking. (Blows on loudly on conch shell) Now Mustafa, I have to talk with you, privately and preferably naked, on pressing matters... You see, for years I’ve been sporting a look that does not fit in with the classically handsome looks of a Federal Reserve Chief.
Obama: I think you’re quite handsome, sir. You’ve got a Trapper John M.D. thing going on.
Bernanke: That’s the problem. Trapper John is and will always be the Harvey “Two Face” Dent of late 70’s television- hideous to the core! I can never compare to the Adonis known as Alan Greenspan. That’s why I want you to make me look like him. Now hit me square on the face with this frying pan, then put these leeches on my eyebrows! Do it or I’ll create another housing bubble!!!
Obama: I think you’ve lost your mind.
Bernanke: Lose my mind? Never! I am Gozer the Key Master! Are you the Gatekeeper?
Obama: The Gatekeeper?
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson: I am the Gatekeeper. And like all gatekeepers, I believe covered bonds have the potential to increase mortgage underwriting! Now where’s my human sacrifice?
Bernanke & Paulson: (wearing war paint on their faces) Kill the pig! Slash his throat! Bash him in!
Obama: Man these guys are almost as weird as Sarkozy.
(Theme song from “Family Matters” plays) END
(Ok, maybe the meeting didn’t happen exactly like this, but I was really high when I wrote this post.)
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During a slow news cycle, the media usually seizes upon trivial nonsense, especially during a Presidential campaign. A few weeks ago, the press harped over John McCain’s admission of "computer illiteracy" and "laptop retardation". While I personally liked his honest confession, many thought that McCain’s lack of computer knowledge reinforced the Senator's image as being old, smelly, and out of touch.
Well Senator McCain, don’t you worry. Computer Iliteracy is the second biggest problem for people your age. (The #1 problem is death)
That’s why I am going to offer you, Mr. Senator, a brief tutorial specifically geared to your disturbing lack of tech know-how.
McCain Question #1:
1) “How do I connect to the Internets”?
Answer: I’m sure there will be a point soon where you’ll say, “Where can I escape the reality based media and direct my Botox addled mug to fascist horse-taint propaganda?” Of course, your first thought would be to turn on Fox News. But let’s just say Cindy is not around with that clicker thing that makes your TV box magically turn on- what do you do?
Here’s what you do: just turn on the computer, (press the big red or black button on that “Etch-o-sketch” looking thing) then use the mouse, (that little round pacemaker -looking object attached the “Etch-o- Sketch”) and click on “Internet Explorer”.
When you see the homepage, (I’m assuming it’ll be Compuserve.com, since the last and only time you used your computer was in 1995) type “The Google” in the search bar.
Once you’re on The Google, type the words “Drudge Report”, “Ann Coulter” or “William Kristol” and you’ll stay far away from anything resembling responsible journalism.
McCain # Question 2
“I’m having a hard time seeing the words on my computer. What do I do?”
Answer: Very easy, Mr. McCain First take the memo you wrote this morning on your Woolworth Five & Dime typewriter and retype it again on your Microsoft Word program. (Let Cindy explain to you what that is, I don’t have a lot of time here.)
Now let’s look at your title of your report:
“How to Swift Boat the Fuck out of Obama and Look Like I Had Nothing to Do With It”
Highlight the sentence by left clicking-that pacemaker mouse thingy and scrolling it over the sentence.
Then click “Font Size” and increase the size of the sentence to make it visible to your crusty, septuagenarian eyes. (I would recommend 872 pts)
Also, if you like, you can change the font style. Just make sure you choose a clearly heterosexual, gun loving, American font like Courier not something gay and obviously French like Century Gothic.
McCain Question 3
“How do I develop a PowerPoint Presentation?”
Answer: You don’t. You’ve gone through enough torture during your POW years. Forcing you to make a Power Point would probably violate many articles of the Geneva Convention. You want to make a visual for your campaign? I’ve got two words for you—magic markers.
McCain Question 4:
“How do I blog?”
Answer: See Question 3. The last thing anyone wants to read is your deepest, darkest thoughts on anything. Especially independent voters.
McCain Question 5:
“What is Facebook?”
Facebook is a social networking site that lets you collect friends like you collect money from Big Oil. Try not to “poke” anyone under the age of 18- they’re non voters. (They also might talk to the press and reinforce that creepy pedophile look you got going.)
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This week, a survey was released which showed nearly 60 percent of African-American children can't swim.
It should be noted, however, that another survey showed that 95 percent of white people can’t play any other sport.
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Having a big belly can boost your risk of getting dementia later in life, a new study suggests.
When asked about the study, Santa Claus said, “Don’t tell anyone, but I think Rudolph is trying to kill me in my sleep... Not to worry, I’ll slice that reindeer bastard into cutlets before he gets to me!”
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This week, Hispanic Governor Bill Richardson offered a strong endorsement of Barack Obama for President.
Richardson said the endorsement was made in an effort to, “destroy any chance of Obama winning the South on Election Day."
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A Clinton spokesman attacked rival Barack Obama this week, comparing Obama to prosecutor Kenneth Starr.
When asked about the comparison, Mr. Starr said, “Does this have anything to do with Bill Clinton’s penis? If not, then I don't really give a damn."
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A study released has shown that more than one in 100 adults are now behind bars in the U.S.
Many human rights activists find this figure disturbing. Most anal rape activists, however, are thrilled with the news.
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Starbucks is now welcoming customers with a new promise, "Your drink should be perfect every time. If not, let us know and we'll make it right."
A Starbucks spokesman said the promise is part of an effort by the coffee retailer to, "torture their employees."
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This week authorities in Aruba closed the investigation into the disappearance of Natalee Holloway.
In a related story, Fox News Channel CEO Roger Ailes announced that the network will be shutting down, due to lack of news content.
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