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Erica Watson - Comedian (C)
Registered on: 01/31/07
Location:
NY
URL:http://www.dailycomedy.com/u/EricaWatson
Biography:
Originally from Chicago, Erica is a stand-up comedienne
and television director living in NYC. When she is not performing at Caroline's on Broadway,Gotham Comedy Club, Broadway Comedy Club, Comic Strip Live or New York Comedy Club, you can catch her hosting WICKED LAUGHTER @ Madame X, as well as the "Ocean Shower Show" @ SPLASH. Look out for her in the new 20th Century Fox Film release "Dirty Laundry" in theaters Fall 2007. She is also the DIRECTOR of the reality TV Series "My Model Looks Better Than Your Model" on the BETJ Network.
Just when you have nothing to BLOG about, God sends you an email message like this:
Erica,
May I offer a suggestion? If you are sending out an email to multiple people, please send it under BCC and don't leave addresses exposed to be picked up and used on other groups. It is good "netiquette." Nobody likes to be spammed. To be honest I am not certain how you got my email address but from the other addresses I recognize in the header I suspect it's from a friend or a friend of a friend.
I do not want to be included on future emails that do not have the addresses placed under a BCC. Thank you.
My first thought was: "Oh no! Some gay guy woke up on the wrong side of the bed, this morning, without his lube!" Surely, only a gay man would write something like this, right? But to my surprise, it was a WOMAN! Obviously a very BITTER woman who woke up on the other side of that un-greased gay man's bed!!!. Come on, there is no way a woman could be getting "dicked down" on a regular basis, and have time to write an email like this!
My second thought was: "I need to have this bitch send an email to MR.OLAYINKA ADEBIYI, The SENATE PRESIDENT of the FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA who keeps notifying me that I am the sole beneficiary of the total sum of Twelve Million Three Hundred Thousand Pounds Sterling from my cousin UMARU YAR'ADUA WATSON.
Wait. Let me explain.
On Tuesday I sent out an email blast to invite people out to my monthly comedy show called Wicked Laughter @ Madame X. This month's show is really special because it is being sponsored by the Columbia College Chicago Alumni Network of NYC. I got my M.A. and BA from Columbia College, and a lot of us are here in NYC making things happen. We are having a Networking Mixer before my show next Wednesday, August 29th at 6:30pm. I hope you will join us!
Anyway, I made a mistake and sent out the email without BCC'ing the recipients. Because of me, top secret email addresses and other forms of highly guarded intellectual property got EXPOSED!! Shame on me. Any idiot should know that email addresses must be safely guarded with the highest level of security.
I mean, come on! It's the internet, everything on the internet is secure. If we start letting email addresses get out in the open, can you imagine what would happen next? Soon, people might actually be able to create a fake identity on line, post pictures, write an explicit personal Ad, asking to meet someone special for a onetime intimate encounter at a buddy booth in the back of a sex shop! We may even be able to get a free ring-tone or possibly receive a Macy's gift card all with the push of a button!
That's where we are headed in the near future people. The end is drawing near! FIRST exposed email addresses, NEXT anonymous sex in the clearance section of Macy's to the sound of Rhianna's "Umbrella" playing on your phone. (That sounds kinda fun actually, although I prefer Hurricane Chris's "A Bay Bay" on my phone.)
Seriously, if email exposing continues, the world will become disintegrated and wasted, devoid of all natural resources. Then android-like humans, that are machine-made, will enslave real humans. In order to create the perfect world, a fake world will be created to fool the humans into believing that everything is alright in their world. Then a savior named NEO will join forces with Trinity, and Morpheus to lead the humans to freedom. ……WAIT A MINUTE…….
Oops…that's already been done in the MARIX!
I digress.
I don't know, maybe I just have better things to do with my time. I would never be able to visit www.beyonceworld.net 20 times a day, or www.mediatakeout.com if I sent a response to every unsolicited email that I receive. This chick needs to get a life!
Can you imagine what kind of life she already has? Sex with her has got to be the most boring, politically correct experience on the planet.
Does she spell check her "sexual ecstasy shouts"?
"OMG! OMG! Which is 'netiquette' or 'Acronymic Computer Lingo' for Oh My God! I am cumming! C-U-M-M-I-N-G, not C-O-M-M-I-N-G, which would mean the arrival or approach of something. Then again, I am approaching my climax, not K-L-Y-M-A-X-X, that would be an all-girl funk band from the 80's…..OMG…OMG…I am a Bitter SBF…38…DD Free….Netiquette Expert……OMG…"
BITCH, SHUT UP!!!
And what the hell is "netiquette" anyway? (Sounds like the way a toothless crack-head from Mississippi would say Connecticut). And what losers really follow "netiquette"?
I, Erica Watson, does not play by the rules in real life, so I for damn sure am not going to subscribe to some code of ethics for email. Maybe this really is the MATRIX? If so, I would love to have a threesome with Lawrence Fishburne and Keanu Reeves. (In the BIG GIRL clearance section of Macy's, no doubt! A Bay Bay !)
To finish the story, I guess this woman's concern's have some merit. Just as I was about to send her a curse out email with a bunch of miss-spelled words with everyone I know BCC'd on it, I get an email from one of the other email recipients saying:
Hey Erica:
Can you forward my Social Butterfly Promotions eblast to everyone on this list? Or, do you mind if I send it to them stating your permission. Let me know.
Hopefully, we will see you on Friday!
Malinda Tyson
I guess MS. NETTI (that's short for Netiquette from Connecticut) had a valid point. Malinda was gonna try to steal my precious email addresses to advertise her event! So my apologies MS. NETTI. I stand corrected!!
Hey! I hope you all come to WICKED LAUGHTER @ Madame X on 8/29/07 at 8pm to hear more about this and my other rantings.
And if you are in NYC, and you always wanted to learn how to do Chicago Style STEPPING, please go to Malinda's event. IT IS FREE in HARLEM every Friday. I will be there and I hope you will be too! Come and learn how to "Step in the Name of Love" and meet some beautiful people in NYC!
Anyone who knows me....knows that I have always had a bunch of close male friends. Ever since I was a little girl, members of the male species have always wanted to be my BEST FRIEND. Obviously there's something about me that all men love, and I think I've figured it out.....they love my FAT!!!
Come on...you men all know you have one!!! The fat girl who you hang out with all the time, confide in her about your insecurities and fears, invite her over for quality friendship time. Sometimes she'll even spend the night.....you love to cuddle and feel the jiggly warmth of her fat rolls. And, oh my God...she actually has titties.....big ones....pretty ones....but that's just "your girl"....your "best friend", right?
She's funny, extremely intelligent and you love her! You probably even secretly want to sleep with her, but you can't...she's fat!! Not only will your boys clown you, but you know that it is more important to be miserable and bored with a chick with a banging body than it is to be fulfilled and happy with a fat chick!!
Plus, you can always have the skinny chick as wifey and keep the fat girl as the "best friend" because your girlfriend would never think you would cheat on her with the Big Girl!! Even though deep in her heart she knows that you love and respect the fat girl in ways that she will never receive..she doesn't mind because after all she's the catch!!!
Recently, a wife of one of my "best male friends" called me to see how comedy was going for me. I told her that I was trying to lose weight and she said "Girl, you ain't hanging around my husband when you lose weight. He loves you too much...and if you get "thick" I know I'm out of the picture!" Now, I know she was just kidding...but it did make me think...while my weight has been a burden in some ways...it has also made people feel "safe." Will losing weight mean that I will also lose the coveted position of being every man's FAT BEST FRIEND?
DANGER!!! BEWARE !! All men watch out for the shrinking fat girl...you may actually fall in love!!!
Anyway, after years of being the surrogate fat girlfriend for a bunch of guys that secretly love me, but won't date me....you would think that I would be bitter, but I am not!! Actually I feel blessed because I have become an expert on men and relationships.
See, I get to know the inner workings of men in ways that no skinny chick ever will. Men tell me everything!!! Even things that their boys will never know about them, they tell me. From my best male friends that play professional sports all the way to my home boy that works construction, I have the heart of men. I may not get the sex, but I get their respect and love, which many times is more than the women that come and go in their lives ever will.
I went to workout at Lucille Roberts this weekend. Lisette the manager weighed and measured me....and the reality set in!!!! As I bounced up and down on the stair master machine, I realized that I the possibility to lose more than just weight. It's not just the size of my waist that will change...my relationships...and the way people relate to me will change as well!!!
I love all of my male friends....I've been one of the boys so long that I don't know how to be anything else. What will I do if losing weight also means losing the place I have in my boys lives......in their hearts.....Am I ready for that....?
Now, don't get me wrong....plenty of men like BIG GIRLS....and I meet them all the time...so it's not like I've been some ugly duckling that gets no play. And even though most of my close male friends say they are not attracted to BIG GIRLS, many of them have found themselves being attracted to my mind and spirit...and eventually attraction to my body followed....but my weight still held them back...I know it!!
So this time..the questions is not "can men and women be friends?"...but instead....Can men and former fat girls stay friends ? We shall see.......
I haven't lost any male friends yet...but I did lose 2 more pounds! Thanks LUCILLE ROBERTS!!!!
**And before wives start calling me...this issue does not apply to my TRUE BLUE male friends that love me like a sister. But the ones it does apply to know who they are...they are constantly offering to buy me a treadmill for my b-day!!
I just found out that I AM NOT GAY!!!! It's not that I question my own sexual orientation, but a lot of people do. Recently I reconnected with a friend of mine from highschool and she said "Erica, I heard that you are gay, and that you have a lesbian girlfriend that lives in Jamaica who is a doctor!" I said " Yes, her name is Escovitch! That's the only Jamaican fish I eat!" For some reason, ever since college, there have been a handful of people that have thought that I am gay! I do not know why?
Well, for a minute I was like "maybe I am" .... why would people say it unless I gave off a vibe or something? The thing is, lesbians never think I am gay, it's only straight women! Everytime I smile at a lesbian she gives me that "Why the hell is that fat straight girl smiling at me" look! So I am confused! Why do straight people think I am gay?
Well, not only do straight women think I am gay, but stippers do to! On Monday night I went to the strip club with three of my friends who will remain nameless to protect the innocent. Actually, scratch that...cause none of them were innocent....their names are ERICKA, JAY and STAN!!
I have always wanted to be a stripper. They say if you want to figure out what your stipper name would be, you have to take your childhood pet name and add your childhood street on to it. So, in that case my name is Kitty-Poo Drexel. Kitty-poo was the little dirty cat we had that hissed at my brother Eric too many times, so my parents got rid of it..and DREXEL is the street where I spent all of my life!!!
But actualy, I think if I was a stripper I would call myself "RED VELVET" because I love RED VELVET CAKE. As I pop...grind...and swing around the pole... I would pull out pieces of RED VELVET cake from between my legs and give it out to the men that tipped me!!! That sounds nasty!!
I digress....
Back to the Strip Club....we went to the CRAZY HORSE CABARET in the BRONX. Jay gave me and Ericka $100 a piece in singles to give out to the women who were dancing. I thought is was all in fun.....a novelty.....until one of the strippers...who was gorgeous, seemed to be very fond of me and Ericka. She came over by me and started dancing. First let me say, I am STRAIGHT....but this girl's body was amazing...especially for guys who like very thick women!!! I gave her a dollar..and the next thing i know....in one swift move she ended up sitting in front of me with her legs wrapped around my neck! HOW DID SHE DO THAT? I felt violated, yet intrigued at the same time.
I guess I looked so startled that she tried to comfort me....with her coochie in my face. I said to her. "Hey! I'm straight! I think!!" and she stopped and looked in my eyes and said "I can fix that!"
At that moment I totally understood how men can get addicted to these clubs. It's all a hustle!! These women make you think they like you...but it's all about the money!!! This girl was trying to hustle me!!! And SHE DID!! She got all of my damn money!!! I felt like a fool!!! After that, I was determine not to give out any more money that night!!!!
But, what was the most intriguing thing is after all my money was gone...the girl came and sat down to talk with me. I figured she was trying to get me to buy a VIP Lap Dance!!! She was out of her mind!!!
I told her I didn't have anymore money and that I was pretty sure I was straight!! Anyway, she turns to me and says "I just wanted to tell you that you are a beautiful full-figured woman, and I wish I had your confidence!"
WHAT THE HELL?
She told me that she was 18 years old, and that she had low self esteem and that's why she dances. This girl was so pretty, so sexy and the perfect size to ME...but to herself she was ugly and unworthy!!! I was amazed!!!
Here I am, looking at her, thinking "If only I had her body, I would be rich!"...but she HAS the body and is not satisfied!!
I realized at that moment that ALL women, regardless of size, have the ability to have low esteem!! Sometimes I think pretty smaller girls have it made!! Maybe they do....but not if they don't know it!!!
I always tell people, "I can't wait to loose weight so that I can be a stripper!"....and even though I say it as a joke, the underlining message is that I too do not feel worthy to show off or feel sexy unless I am smaller. So I am no different than the stripper!! And, she is no diferent than me!!
After talking to her....I decided that from now on, I am going to stop waiting until I loose weight....and start celebrating my body TODAY!!!! I am going to get butt naked and dance in my living room to some Too Live Crew music and start practicing my moves....so whenever the day comes...when I feel confident in myself...no matter what size I am....I can be the stripper I have always wanted to be!!! In the privacy of my own home ofcourse....for my HUSBAND!!! I AM STRAIGHT!!!!!
After I left the Crazy Horse Cabaret....I realized that I am in love with a STRIPPER...and her name is Erica "RED VELET" Watson!!
As long as I can remember, I have always had high self esteem. I do what I want, when I want...and I do not care what people think about it!! Yes, I am that big girl that is guilty of wearing stuff that even though it was made in my size, doens't mean it was made for MY SIZE!!! You feel me? But I don't care..I wear it...fat rolls and all!! But this weight loss journey has me thinking, is my esteem really high, or it is just a LOW form of HIGH SELF ESTEEM?
I mean, yes my high self esteem allows me to get on stage every night and tell jokes. But my low self esteem forces me to get on stage and tell self degredating jokes about my weight. My high self esteem allows me to date and get the attention of alof of guys. But my low self esteem forces me to be "emotionally available" for men who want to hang around me and be my "friend" and enjoy all the benefits of me being a "surrogate girlfriend" while they search for another non-talented skinny chick to date! (Damn, I am B-I-T-T-E-R !!)
This is why I question it. I was all set to go to Lucille Roberts and get weighed and measured, so that I can truly monitor my progress. Then I thought about it: I AIN'T PUTTING MY WEIGHT ON THIS DAMN BLOG...ARE YOU CRAZY? I mean, I know you all can see me...but if I tell you exactly what I weigh then you'll really SEE ME!! I don't know if I want ya'll to see me that well!!!
Sometimes, I think because of the way I carry myself, that many people are fooled into thinking that I am a skinny girl. Actually, I even fool myself sometimes. There have been times when I am walking down the street, minding my business, and a homeless man will get mad because I won't give him my phone number and he'll call me a FAT BITCH!! But, I usually look around confused like "Who is this fool talking too? Not me!".....see I live my life the way a skinny girl does for the most part!!! So, if I don't know my real weight and I don't tell you all my real weight, then I can continue to live in denial. But the numbers speak the truth! The real truth is : My esteem ain't as high as I think it is! Damn, the truth hurts!!
Anyway, on Wednesday of this week, I went to the St. Nick location of Lucille Roberts to work out. I took an "ALL IN ONE" aerobics class taught by a beautiful diva named WENDY!!! She was the bomb!!! For more reasons than one. After class I spoke to her, told her what I was going through, and she gave me her numebr so that I can call her when I am having one of my pretty fat girl meltdowns!!!
WENDY actually lost 105 pounds in 9 months...and her before and after picture, with her before and after WEIGHT is hanging up in the club!!! She told me that if she could do it, I CAN DO IT!!! You know someone is a good person when they can KICK YOUR BUTT in a workout class, but you still want to talk to them afterwards and THANK THEM for the workout!!!
I almost cried talking to her because she could relate to everything that I was saying. She too, was a pretty fat girl and was tired of it!!! During her class I felt empowered because she modified the advanced exercises for me so that I could do them and still feel rewarded!! That meant so much to me!!!
I loved the class, but I also wanted to cry during the workout because I can't believe I have let myself get THIS BIG!!! I have to acknowledge that with every pound I loose, it is going to pull back layer after layer of hurt, pain and anger that lead me up to the point where I eat to self medicate!!!! Sorry to get so serious guys...but being fat ain't no laughing matter when you really think about it!!!
Okay...I plan on going to class to workout again this weekend.....and then next week I am dedicating myself to go to the gym 5 times!!
Life is hard for pretty fat girls. See, if you are an ugly fat girl, there is no hope for you, because even if you lose weight, you just become an ugly skinny girl. And Lord knows we already have enough ugly skinny women in the world. But, when you are a fat girl, with a pretty face, all you do is piss men off. Even gay men say "You Fat Bitch! I would probably be straight if you weren't so fat!" And I tell them "Well, you might as well stay gay because I am going to stay fat. Matter of fact, I'll be at the Gay Parade with a bucket of Chicken! Want some? "
But if I can really stop and be honest with myself, I am TIRED OF BEING A PRETTY FAT GIRL!!! Everywhere I go, people always tell me "You have such a pretty face!"...as a matter of fact I have met lots of fat girls that say everyone tells them that. The problem is, some of the fat girls that tell me this ARE NOT CUTE at all!!! So, should I really believe this compliment? Furthermore, it's not a compliment...it's an insult!! Basically they are saying "Girl, your body looks a hot mess!" And I agree...it does...I have let myself go...but that is about to change! TODAY!!!
No one ever stops to think about all the pressure that comes along with being a PRETTY FAT GIRL. People tend to ignore ugly fat girls. Every time I turn on the tv, I see some homely looking fat chick saying how invisible she feels..even though she is BIG. But it is the total opposite for PRETTY FAT GIRLS. Eveywhere we go, we get a lot of attention...especialy from MEN!!
There is always some dumb guy telling me "You know, I usually am not attracted to BIG WOMEN but it is something about you!!".....or I get "Hey! I just love a big woman! Your fat rolls feel so good!" Now, correct me if I am wrong, but I hardly ever hear men go up to skinny women and say "you know, I just love the way your collar bone and rib cage protrudes from under your skin...sex with you is like sleeping with a twelve year old boy..and your lack of breast tissue is so sexy to me!" In my opinion, cute fat girls have it the WORST!!!
If you haven't guessed by now, I am a stand-up comedian. On Saturday, April 21st I performed @ Caroline's On Broadway at a benefit show hosted by my great friend Shelley Wade from Z-100 to raise money for the The Revlon Run/Walk for Women. Lucille Roberts: Fitness for Women was a sponsor for the WALK and they came to the comedy show to give away a FREE YEAR MEMBERSHIP to a lucky audience member. While I was on stage, I asked one of the beautiful representatives, Vanessa if I could get a membership too. And to my surpise she said YES!!! Can you believe it!!!???!! I wish getting a rich NBA player, or a White Husband could be this easy!!!
I just got my Lucille Roberts membership card in the mail today. Vanessa called me this morning and we promised that we would support each other as we attempt to loose weight!! I decided to create this BLOG so that I can tell eveyone about my weight loss adventure that I am about to take with LUCILLE ROBERTS!!! I hope I don't let them down!!!
Feel free to come back here from time to time to read about all of my success!! I have ALOT OF WEIGHT TO LOOSE but I am ready to do it!!
In the meantime, please check out http://www.lucilleroberts.com and look at everything that this gym has to offer...and maybe if you get a membership I will see you there!! I will be the big girl rocking spandex... trying my best to get all of the little cute skinny trainers/instructors to eat some cupcakes!! Yes, I am a hater....so what!!!
By the way. Everything that I say here is all in fun...and does not reflect the opinion of Lucille Robert's or their employees. I just had to put that out there, even though they did not ask me too. This is my own personal BLOG full of my rantings and narrow-minded opinions about being cute and big in America. We live in a very sensitive POLITCALLY CORRECT society where you can't say anything about anybody anymore...well, unless you want to call them FAT....you can definatey say that!! How ironic.
Feel free to leave any comments that you like. Thanks for visiting.
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Comedian ERICA WATSON will host a SPECIAL VIEWING of the movie DIRTY LAUNDRY on Friday, December 7th at 10:45pm. 
http://prettyfatgirl-ericawatson.blogspot.com/