Governor Arnold Schwarzengger signed a bill ordering a 20% reduction of carbon emissions in California by using alternative fuels such as cellulose fiber. If they'd use celluloid fiber instead they could double it just by burning unused copies of Terminator 3.

The current Miss USA scandal has brought out the softer side of the Donald, with Trump saying that he believes in second chances. And why shouldn't we believe him? After all, his hair belonged to someone else and it's getting a second chance.

Good news and bad news for Tara Conner, the current Miss USA and party girl, today. The good news: Donald Trump says she may keep her crown if she attends rehab and submits to random drug testing. The bad news: Trump wants to watch her pee in the cup.

 The Chinese restaurant industry is circling the wagons and prepared to take a big hit if they follow through with their threat to stop all late-night food deliveries to Rosie O’Donnell’s New York City apartment. The Chinese are chagrined about O’Donnell’s joke about how the drunken Dan DiVito appearance on the The View was reported in China as, “Ching-chong, ching, ching, chong....Danny DiVito.” The bicycle and paper bag industries are urging calm, asking their restaurant customers to reconsider their boycott as it will cause massive “rayoffs around the busy horiday season.”

The 41.7 inch long arms of Bao Xishun, the world’s tallest man, reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling plastic from their stomachs. Surgical attempts at removal had failed so veterinarians decided to ask for help from the 7-foot-9-inch herdsman from Inner Mongolia. Bao refused to interviewed for this story, saying through a spokesman from Outer Mongolia that he had to get to bed early because tomorrow he was giving himself a colonoscopy.

"New Hampshire people," explained Gov. John Lynch, a Democrat, "don't know much about him other than he points well and he's sort of black. Each visit he makes progress. For instance, we didn't know that he was actually born in Hawaii. He scored big points with the crowd when he told his security detail to silence the only Republican in the room by shouting, "Book 'em, Dano. He also displayed his playful side and sang Tiny Bubbles backwards, then threw a blunt of Hawaiian Gold out into the audience.

Worried that his botched joke has blown his Presidential ambitions, John Kerry will emcee this weekend at Open Mic Iraq. "You've got to break them in on the road," said the Massachusetts senator, "I've got some killer windsurfing stuff to try for these dentally-challenged goobers."