I carry a picture around with me, that of me fucking the CEO of Capital One in the ass, just like he's done to me all these years.
 What's in your wallet? [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: Weird
Keywords: capital one
Added: Thu, 20 Nov 2008

AP WIRE -- An
Idaho man who tried to burn his wife, choke her and set their bed on
fire has been sentenced to 10 years in prison.

In the May 6
attack, according to court documents, Hart splashed his wife with
lighter fluid, hit her on the back of the head, knocked her to the
ground and attempted to strangle her twice.
-------------------------------------------------
Haven't I been warning you people for YEARS about the dangers of E-Harmony!?!?  [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: News
Keywords: e-harmony prison
Added: Wed, 19 Nov 2008

AP Wire:
     Earlier today three young oranges on the way to school were accosted by a gang of African American oranges. When asked why they didn't "Holler Like All Get Out" the three replied "We were just trying to act tough".
     Alvin Orange said" When I was getting buggered, it felt like a freight train in my navel". The grove manager said unfortunately Alvin and his two buddies will have to leave the property, as they were no longer "Simply Un-Fooled Around With" [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: News
Keywords: simply orange
Added: Mon, 10 Nov 2008

Looking out her window, sarah spits coke out of her mouth as soon as she spies her cute lovable bunny eating a colorful corn cereal singing "Ah, the fruit flavored cereal with real fruit colors! Rasberry Red, Lemon Yellow, Orange Orange...WooHoo!"
Sarah snatches the box away from Lucky, "Wasilly rabbit, Tricks are for... The American People" [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: Weird
Keywords: trix
Added: Fri, 7 Nov 2008

Bob cited in federal court today that the Obama people stole the last half of their slogan of: "Can We Build It? - YES WE CAN!"
In a stunning upset, Campaign Spokesman David Axlerod said they had already changed to an entirely original slogan of: "Democrats, We're Magically Delicious!" [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: News
Keywords: bob builder lucky charms obama
Added: Thu, 6 Nov 2008

Today Bums and Beggars came out of the woodwork(and the woods) to rewrite their cardboard signs to exhibit the American spirit and take advantage of new opportunities. Their new signs read:
'I'm a candidate for change, can you spare any?'
They just nod as they walk up to you and mouth the all familiar "Yes We Can" [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: News
Keywords: democrats homeless
Added: Thu, 6 Nov 2008

This is the only day where the "Hanging Chad" is not just what we all did to a kid on the monkey bars in grade school. [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: Political
Keywords: hanging chad
Added: Tue, 4 Nov 2008

With songs like:
1. You Don't Smoke Plumbers Crack
2. Bald is Beautiful, But I'm Butt Ugly
3. 2-Hour Lunch Break, My Ass!
4. I'm Knocking On Your Back Door, Wink, Wink
5. Whip Me, Beat Me, But Don't Make Me Over Bill
6. Your Daughter's Cute, When Does She Turn 13?
7. Is That A Monkey Wrench In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me Grab Your Cock?
8. Keep Your Dog Away From My Crotch(Instrumental)
9. There's A Lein On Your Vehicle, Bitch!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Get Your Copy Now!  [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: joe plumber album
Added: Mon, 3 Nov 2008

Campaign manager Rick Davis said thursday "In the event McCain does not win this Tuesday, we have already notified LifeAlert(tm) to disregard."
 
PS. "I also call dibs on his Jitterbug phone." [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: Political
Keywords: lifealert mccain
Added: Sat, 1 Nov 2008

Steven Warshak, owner of Enzyte, was found guilty of 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud and money laundering and sentenced to 25 years in prison. His spokesman stated that Steven was "Doing intensive field study reformulating the recipe and will add 2 new ingredients, black cock and his ass." [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: News
Keywords: enzyte
Added: Sat, 1 Nov 2008

In a sting operation, the Axa Equitable Gorilla was taken into custody without incident today as he exited Gold's Gym. Witnesses say he would follow them into the steam room and make inappropriate gestures with a banana. Sgt Johnson commented "Apparently he was a member". Another witness, 8yr. old Billy Batson stated "He touched himself while he talked about annuities, it was really gross!"
Charges include: Stalking, Lewd Conduct & trying to sell shit to people who don't have money.
Axa was unavailable for comment. [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: News
Keywords: axa equitable gorilla
Added: Fri, 31 Oct 2008

     A spokesman for the cola giant announced Dr. Pepper's new "He's a nigga', she's a nigga' you're a nigga', I'm a nigga', wouldn't you like to be a nigga' too?!" commercial ad spot. This will follow a Brittany Spears ad but not for Pepsi, It's a "MASBFC-Mother's
against seat belts for children" group that saw Brittany with her own
child driving and asked her to be their new spokeswoman...She accepted.
     As you can imagine, the
Michael Richards ad is getting mixed reviews. But, surprisingly, not
from the black community. Eminem announced a new Christmas album
featuring songs inspired by Richards like: "Where's My Hubcaps?", "I
Got No Teef" and "I Funna Make Me A Sammich". Although we don't see the connection. We still think he's just some crazy white motherfucker.
     Eminem's manager commented Thursday about the release of the new project on the 26th of December(the day *after* Christmas) saying: "When people take they broke ass back to da' sto, to get they money back for they broke ass shit they didn't want, they can pick up a copy wif all da' money they got in they pocket now".
     Ebert & Roeper gave it one "thumbs up" calling it 'fresh' and 'witty', as well as 'un-imaginative' and 'abhorrent'.
     You can read all about it in my new book called: "Women are nice, but most are evil". It will be out this fall. [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: michael richards
Added: Fri, 31 Oct 2008

In light of this controversial subject, Walmart has come out with a new back-to-school starter kit. It comes with YAZ, the totally hip new pregnancy pill that comes in cool colors to match your iPhone. Also included are a pack of Camels and a 40oz malt liquor.  [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: News
Keywords: walmart
Added: Thu, 30 Oct 2008

I live in Sucker Brook, NY
But I take online classes in Cockatoo Grove, CA
My brother lives in Bitch Lake, ID
And I vacation in Hoboken, NJ
I need a network that will let me live the way I want to... in a place called:
 
SuckerCockaBitchaHo [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: Entertainment
Keywords: atamp;t
Added: Thu, 30 Oct 2008

Oxy-Morons are like: Military Intelligence, Jumbo Shrimp or a Good Ford. [more]

Author: Lickety Split
Category: Weird
Keywords: oxy morons
Added: Tue, 28 Oct 2008