I carry a picture around with me, that of me fucking the CEO of Capital One in the ass, just like he's done to me all these years.

 What's in your wallet?

AP WIRE -- An Idaho man who tried to burn his wife, choke her and set their bed on fire has been sentenced to 10 years in prison.

In the May 6 attack, according to court documents, Hart splashed his wife with lighter fluid, hit her on the back of the head, knocked her to the ground and attempted to strangle her twice.

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Haven't I been warning you people for YEARS about the dangers of E-Harmony!?!? 

AP Wire:

     Earlier today three young oranges on the way to school were accosted by a gang of African American oranges. When asked why they didn't "Holler Like All Get Out" the three replied "We were just trying to act tough".

     Alvin Orange said" When I was getting buggered, it felt like a freight train in my navel". The grove manager said unfortunately Alvin and his two buddies will have to leave the property, as they were no longer "Simply Un-Fooled Around With"

Looking out her window, sarah spits coke out of her mouth as soon as she spies her cute lovable bunny eating a colorful corn cereal singing "Ah, the fruit flavored cereal with real fruit colors! Rasberry Red, Lemon Yellow, Orange Orange...WooHoo!"

Sarah snatches the box away from Lucky, "Wasilly rabbit, Tricks are for... The American People"

Bob cited in federal court today that the Obama people stole the last half of their slogan of: "Can We Build It? - YES WE CAN!"

In a stunning upset, Campaign Spokesman David Axlerod said they had already changed to an entirely original slogan of: "Democrats, We're Magically Delicious!"

Today Bums and Beggars came out of the woodwork(and the woods) to rewrite their cardboard signs to exhibit the American spirit and take advantage of new opportunities. Their new signs read:

'I'm a candidate for change, can you spare any?'

They just nod as they walk up to you and mouth the all familiar "Yes We Can"

This is the only day where the "Hanging Chad" is not just what we all did to a kid on the monkey bars in grade school.

With songs like:

1. You Don't Smoke Plumbers Crack

2. Bald is Beautiful, But I'm Butt Ugly

3. 2-Hour Lunch Break, My Ass!

4. I'm Knocking On Your Back Door, Wink, Wink

5. Whip Me, Beat Me, But Don't Make Me Over Bill

6. Your Daughter's Cute, When Does She Turn 13?

7. Is That A Monkey Wrench In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me Grab Your Cock?

8. Keep Your Dog Away From My Crotch(Instrumental)

9. There's A Lein On Your Vehicle, Bitch!

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Campaign manager Rick Davis said thursday "In the event McCain does not win this Tuesday, we have already notified LifeAlert(tm) to disregard."

PS. "I also call dibs on his Jitterbug phone."

Steven Warshak, owner of Enzyte, was found guilty of 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud and money laundering and sentenced to 25 years in prison. His spokesman stated that Steven was "Doing intensive field study reformulating the recipe and will add 2 new ingredients, black cock and his ass."