The lead singer of the popular children's group, The Wiggles, has announced that he will stop performing with the group after being diagnosed with orthostatic intolerance, a chronic condition that causes dizziness, fatigue, and an odd attraction to minivan-driving soccer moms.

Danny Devito's drunken behavior during his appearance on ABC's "The View" caused a steady spike in Nielsen ratings until Devito began reminiscing about how much sex he and his wife, Rhea Perlman, had in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House, at which point viewers turned to "Martha," preferring boredom to nausea.

"N*GGA, PLEASE!"

No I said, "Nigg-a, with an 'a,' not 'nigg' with an 'er.' That one's only okay to those people."

My wife, who has for years told me of my Attention Deficit Disorder, now says that one day I'll probably have Alzheimer's.

Impossible: For how can I Forget her SH!T, if I never paid attention to it in the 1st PLACE

46. Pierced eyebrows diminish your Thug Quotient considerably.

When will parents ever learn?

"Suckerrrrrrrr!!!"

14. Thou shalt never, ever pirouette, arabesque or plie... never.

Now that Bob Barker has announced his retirement, dogs and cats worldwide are expressing their elation.