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Danny Lobell
Brooklyn, NY
      
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 Dear Listeners, thank you. You are logging on in such great numbers that we have exceeded our bandwidth and are being forced to upgrade to keep up with demand. So, if you are having trouble, just keep trying and we will remedy this as soon as possible. If you were lucky enough to hear the show today you learned some important shit. If not, this is what you missed:
Andrew Schulz came on today for “The Woman Whisperer” to address Greg the Intern’s issues with his girlfriend’s inability to orgasm. It was decided that Greg was not taking enough risks in bed, and Andrew suggested choking her and other more risque behaviors to focus his girlfriend’s libido. Of course, this paralleled Myka’s orgasm problems and in the interest of solving the matter a new contest has been designed. All the men out there, this is your chance. Call in and suggest the way you think you can make Myka orgasm, and if it has not been tried on her already, you move on to the next round. From there, Danny and the crew will determine who they think would stand the best chance at making Myka ejaculate across the room, and pit him against Myka’s current boyfriend. If you can get him to admit that you could do a better job at getting her to orgasm than he has tried, you are cleared to have a go at it. Good luck, lovers!
The Sklar brothers made their appearance towards the end of the show and were pleasantly surprised when Danny knew which Sklar was which. (Jason= glasses, Randy= no glasses.) The twins discussed their popular Andrew “Dice” Clay bit and Danny molested Jason about being the “Edgy” brother. While both are married, Randy has a couple offspring while Jason has none yet, and in a plea to keep the status-quo, Danny wished for Jason’s pregnant wife to miscarry. Jason compromised and promised to give his baby away for adoption once born. Good guys, those Sklars. Check them out tonight and Saturday night at Comix, they are doing two shows a night with excellent guests.
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So, basically, three things happened on the radio today.
1. Myka confessed she had a crush on Dave Kasten after watching him attempt to end Pauly Confusion’s life. So she’s into violence. So what? Shes not going to leave her boyfriend for Kasten. Even if she left her boyfriend, she said, she wouldn’t go for Kasten. Outraged, Matty Goldberg called in to console the Rabid Dog and to train him to master the art of seduction. They role-played so that Kasten could practice talking to a woman as a means of “getting” her, and resulted in a conversation that droned on with mild small talk. Unconvinced of Matty’s authority to teach Kasten’s way into a woman’s pants, Myka challenged him to try and pick her up. What followed in the next thirty seconds was a cacophony of childish name calling, assumptions of playing hard to get, and inevitable defeat.Kasten was not to give up easily, though, and revealed he had learned a MOVE. A secret move for pleasuring women known by few and desired by all. He wouldn’t give many details as he did not want to give away his hand, but he did admit that the MOVE involved his finger, tongue, and an assortment of canned cat foods.Good for you, Kasten!
2. Dillon from Punchline Magazine called in not to give a Punchline update, but rather to whine about having only a modicum of moral structure. Not enough morals for him to help a gas station attendant out by paying for the extra gas that was accidentally poured into his tank, but enough morals to feel bad about it at night when he is alone with his evil thoughts. In a miguided attemp, he sought the crew and listener’s opinions on what he should have done. Most everyone concurred that Dillon should have just paid for the gas. An attempt to contact said gas station attendant was made, but Dillon would not say which gas station it was fearing that we might find the attendant had killed himself over having to pay for the gas with three hours of extra work. Good for you, Dillon!
3. Speaking of evil thoughts, Kurt Metzger called in and admitted that he was raised as a Jehova’s Witness. Danny thought this was awesome until he was informed that Jehova’s Witnesses were not Mormans and could therefor not have a million girlfriends. What Danny and the crew discovered was that Jehova’s Witnesses were an entirely different religious sect (of Christianity), having only in common that they were practiced by the extreme crazies. Iacono went for blood looking for Kurt to admit that any success he gained from a comedy set in Montreal could be credited to the boyish laugh of one Danny Lobell. Metzger conceded immediately, offering that he had gained zero success from that set, and an uncomfortable silence was enjoyed by all. Kurt said it was great to find that Myka was still alive after she failed to reutrn his calls, and then went on to prove how well he connected with the MTV generation in his work there. Good for you, Kurt!
4. (okay, so more things happened) A call was place to former intern DINA. Six months pregnant, sirens could be heard from behind the hot-dog stand she was working at. She said she has been living with her mom and has decided to allow her abusive boyfriend into her and her baby’s life provided he attend counseling. Good for you, Dina!
5. The show wrapped with a Kasten minute about being annoyed by nature hikes and eating peed on leaves. Good for you, Chris!
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 Hey there, Comical fans! Today’s show featured wet dreams, followed by date proposals, then ended with incestuous rape… Another natural progression here at Comical Radio.
1) The show opened with Danny detailing his ineptitude at caring for his sickly girlfriend. Having left her in his parent’s backyard while he cataloged ruined possessions in a warehouse, Danny discovered his lady at a hospital hours later after she had passed out with an empty cup in one hand and her phone in the other. Turned out he was responsible enough to leave his girlfriend with an iced tea but not enough to charge his cell phone. Not to worry, he reports that she is okay, and that all of the details were handled by their mothers.
2)Having one crisis handled incompetently, Danny went on to take care of best friend Kasten’s love woes. After being coarsely (but justifiably) rejected by Myka, Danny went ahead and made efforts to humiliate Kasten further by lying that intern Genevieve had a crush on him. When Dave approached her about this, Genevieve had the unfortunate but familiar task of rejecting him. Why? Hes lovable! People deserve love, why not Kasten? Gen revealed she is dating a mystery comic whose name will be known when Danny can “Wheel of Fortune” his way through Genevieve’s clues!
3) In other news, Kasten admitted that Tuesday he had a Rumpelstiltskin nymph wet dream about Myka wearing a white dress and stockings and humping her in the woods. Danny and the crew were astonished because the very night Kasten released his DNA into his empty bed, Myka was actually humping her boyfriend in the woods and Chris was wearing white sheets at a rally. Coincidence? You be the judge!
4) First guest on the show was some Israeli chick named Adie that Danny tried to get Kasten to fuck. Another futile attempt; this girl was actually a funny comedian and not at all interested in Kasten. Nevertheless, she was put through minutes of debate between Kasten and Iacono over why Kasten is un-fuckable and why Chris is a greasy wop dego. Final results of said debate: David Kasten is un-fuckable and Chris Iacono is a greasy organ grinding wop with thinning hair. The Israeli chick slipped out of the studio before the results were in, but managed to plug the various open mics she performs at.
5) Next up: Jess Woods. Today we learned that her mom was a dug addicted nudist hippie and her dad raped her at the age of five. Danny performed a dead-on impression of Jess’s dad if he had visited a therapist, and no one in the room became uncomfortable. When asked how she was able to cheerfully relate a past that should have caused her to become a schizophrenic, Woods said that she had done a lot of work with a therapist. Therapy is enough to settle years of the worst kind of abuse? No way! What kind of sicko gets over being raped by her father?
6) The show ended with a white trash update from Katy Olson, reporting live from her home in Atlanta. First order of business, she now has a home made of walls. Katy regaled the crew with tales of a stripper named “Blondie” (so dubbed for her bleached African pubic hair), and Blondie’s rival, her niece. Blondie boasts an ability to crush a PBR can between her calloused cleavage, while the niece can crush one in her buttocks. Now this is radio! Katy also reported that her brother has decided to give up hoeing as he has become an inventor. He has created the world’s first drug container for placement in the rectum on the off chance that a person might get taken to jail that day. Perhaps he has never heard of a condom, but in any case, please do not pass along the details of this brilliant invention because he has not yet patented it.
And that’s it! Stay tuned for Friday’s show as it will brag of Dean Edwards from Saturday Night Live, Mike Birbiglia, and another comedian who deserves to have his name remembered and listed here. I said good day, sir!
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 Ok. Enough is enough. Kasten came into the show whining like a little bitch because that slut in Florida decided that she would rather have some balding fat guy invade her lady parts. Big deal. The money Dave would have spent on a plane ticket would have only been half what he would have spent on a prescription to cure the resulting syphilis. Now the only contagious disease is the bad attitude, which Chris Iacono contracted immediately from then sex talk and declared a moratorium on Kasten’s love woes until he at least makes it to second base with a living human girl.
The crew agreed to move onto more realistic goals, and decided to start a team in the comedy softball league. Chris held hope that The Comical could rally in the sport despite not even having enough players, while Danny was determined to make The Comical the most losingest softball team in history. The main objective: To waste the other teams time in the same way he does his guests on the show. When losing is the aim, victory is always a sure thing. Take note, Kasten!
In the News with a Punchline Update from Dillon: A new album of previously unreleased Mitch Hedberg material is slated to be released. Chris seemed concerned that coroprations were making money off the genius post-humously, maybe the bigger issue is that Iacono’s career is dead presently. Just buy the album and enjoy it. Also coming back to standup from the dead is Eddie Murphy. Can he come back from the hatred he has sewn from years of fat suits and talking animal bits? The comical crew waits on bated breath to hate him.
In an attempt to close the issue forever, Myka surprised Dave Kasten with a reenactment of his wet dream about her. She appeared in a white dress, white knee-high stockings and twirled around the room ala the nymph fantasy that had him cumming in his sheets less the a week earlier. Did he lose his shit? Did he turn his pants into a set of use bedroom sheets? No! He sat there uninspired and loathing his state of existence. Despite reservations, Myka was coaxed into sitting on his lap to complete the fantasy, and fortunately did not detect the immediate erection that resulted. Final Score: Fantasy gag: 0. Minutes of masturbation fodder: Thousands
The last hour of the show was graced with comedian Greg Proops, most famous from the original “Whose Line is It Anyways”, in town performing standup a Comix. Members of the crew took turns sharing the “Do you remember when you met me?” stories, and each of them was returned by Proops with a resounding, “No.” Proops spent the rest of the time fielding questions on the ramifications of exposing a personal life on stage versus not, and generally being smarter than everyone in the room. By the end everyone agreed that he show went pretty well for being recorded in 1948.
And that was the show! Make sure to listen this Monday, The Comical will return with Ray Allen, Dan Naturman, and Dominick Dierkes.
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Hi I'm Danny Lobell, up and coming comic on the NYC scene. You can see me around town playing the clubs every night and working hard to develop my act.You can also catch my comedy radio show which streams live on the Internet Fridays from 1-3:30pm est on WBMB 87.9FM or on comicalradio.com
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